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How Do You Feel Right Now #10


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16 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

If it means anything, JD, I know your current boss is a source of constant anxiety and frustration for you.  I wonder if you can imagine what life would be like without him, assuming the opportunity is out of house.

I won't deny there's some anxiety with change...and maybe we're not wired to think longer term (at least I'm not).   As I understand it, the worst that could happen is nothing changes.  Could you accept the possibility that a change might improve things...even a little?  Yeah, I know that's a tall order, but I'm putting it out there on the chance it might rattle around in your head a bit.

Hell, at least keep writing about it.

Yeah. This situation would be a complete change from my current life. An upheaval. I'd be forced to become a new person in many respects. The problem is, I'm stuck in this rut that I've worn down for the past 30+ years. Old dog, new tricks? I dunno.

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32 minutes ago, sober4life said:

My life is falling apart completely.  It's going to take a miracle now.  I have to face the worst stress I've ever faced in my life and prepare to leave this place at any moment.  It's a miracle I have a stomach left or any sanity left at this point.  I have to get myself well through impossible end times circumstances and prepare myself to leave here at any given moment.

Holy cow! What's happening? I'm here to listen. Send a PM if you want.

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13 hours ago, Extremebeginner said:

I’m happy that you enjoyed your birthday.

the return to reality is like stopping benzos you seem to crash further down before you restabilize!

are you tapering off the benzos, very gradually? i hope so, these like alcohol can shock the system if theyre not provided on a regular basis. both withdrawl from benzos, and withdrawl from alcohol can actually be fatal.

 

please take care!

 

i'm worried about some people on here, just hoping everyone is at least "ok" today. 

today starts 4 days off from Whole Foods. 

wheeeeee!!!

getting that laundry done, the kitchen's next.

when i feel insignificant i look at the sky and feel even smaller than a single cell looking longingly at the moon.

working n art all this week, going out side! 

i can feel the sun on my back, out my bedroom window, a city much like this is a buzz by this time of day. 

hey i hope you smile! 

have a good day!

❤️

m

IMG_20190305_133433.jpg

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24 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Holy cow! What's happening? I'm here to listen. Send a PM if you want.

I'm sorry to hear that things are not going so well for you, Sober 4life.  Hopefully

things will begin to get better for you real soon my friend

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I feel like I have overdone it somewhat today.

Had a Kickboxing sparring session last night, spin class this morning and now have been at work schlepping around muddy fields playing with pegs and spray paint. 

Hour and a half left, then can go home and nap for a bit and take it easy

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34 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Holy cow! What's happening? I'm here to listen. Send a PM if you want.

Thank you but I have to handle this on my own.  I care about you way too much to pull you into such a stressful situation.  It shows that you're a great friend though if you're willing to help when someone says things are so bad they might have to run for their life.  I won't put you in that position.

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

My life is falling apart completely.  It's going to take a miracle now.  I have to face the worst stress I've ever faced in my life and prepare to leave this place at any moment.  It's a miracle I have a stomach left or any sanity left at this point.  I have to get myself well through impossible end times circumstances and prepare myself to leave here at any given moment.

I feel for you. I know how stressful this is. I've been there. I'm still there, really, I've just been avoiding it until recently. Hug to you.

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22 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Thank you but I have to handle this on my own.  I care about you way too much to pull you into such a stressful situation.  It shows that you're a great friend though if you're willing to help when someone says things are so bad they might have to run for their life.  I won't put you in that position.

I understand exactly what you mean when you say this, but... I've mentioned this very thing to my therapist, and his response was 1) gifts like this don't often come along, and 2) maybe you should trust the other person's judgment. There is safety in numbers, truly. It's thoughtful and noble of you to hold back for someone else's sake, but they're allowed to be thoughtful and noble, too. You never know. They might hear you say something that helps them more than you're aware of, or they could learn something from this that helps them in the future. Remember that NBC clip, "The more you know."

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I know exactly what you're saying.  I need to stop worrying the people here that I care about.  Sometimes my life is so awful I feel like I have to say something.  I have nobody I really trust in real life.  I'll be ok.  I'm strong enough to handle whatever is coming my way.

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

Thank you but I have to handle this on my own.  I care about you way too much to pull you into such a stressful situation.  It shows that you're a great friend though if you're willing to help when someone says things are so bad they might have to run for their life.  I won't put you in that position.

Do what you gotta do. And if you need help...don't hesitate to ask.

 

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3 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Yeah. This situation would be a complete change from my current life. An upheaval. I'd be forced to become a new person in many respects. The problem is, I'm stuck in this rut that I've worn down for the past 30+ years. Old dog, new tricks? I dunno.

You can do it.  I have faith in you.  I agree that it is very hard for us to change but we are very strong people.  We are capable of amazing things if we give ourselves the chance.  If the new situation is a wonderful situation you might get hooked on the good feeling of the whole thing and put everything into it you have.

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I don't have a strong enough negative description to describe life anymore.  Sitting in the electric chair the entire day or being an animal getting ripped apart by lions in the jungle pretty much sums it up but it never ends.  It's endlessly without any relief that miserable.  There is never anything good to look forward to to keep me going.  I'm driven by endless fear.  I'm afraid of everyone and everything all the time.  I'm too damaged and worn down by life to ever be right again.

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5 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Do what you gotta do. And if you need help...don't hesitate to ask.

 

Is there a point to asking? You, me, or sober can list all the ****s we're going through in a post but do you really think any fellow members will be able to offer us solutions/advice along the lines of "here's what you can do"?

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19 hours ago, sober4life said:

I know exactly what you're saying.  I need to stop worrying the people here that I care about.  Sometimes my life is so awful I feel like I have to say something.  I have nobody I really trust in real life.  I'll be ok.  I'm strong enough to handle whatever is coming my way.

It's so hard not to have people that you trust. I'm sorry you're in that situation. 😞

You know what helped me to overcome my, "I can't let this go any further than my own head" way of thinking? I read two books - biographies - of women who had experienced similar problems. It made me understand that I wasn't alone and didn't have to be alone with this. Finding others who've been there is another story... 

Anyway, I read Never Caught by Erica Armstrong Dunbar, about Ona Judge, a slave of Mary Washington's who escaped, and My Story by Elizabeth Smart, who was kidnapped and held by a man who had a few screws loose, to say the least.

Have you tried this or would you consider it? Hope your day goes well. 🙂 

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Honestly what I'm doing right now is cancelling all plans for the rest of the week and getting myself well and preparing to leave this place soon.  All signs point to me leaving this place this month if things keep going the way they are.  I have to get out of here while I still have an ounce of sanity left.  It was always going to go this way.  I just didn't think it would be forced upon me so abruptly like this.

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In pain, worse than it's ever been. I'm going to try another doctor. Not because I don't like this one, but, who knows?

Encouraged. When I define myself only as The Woman Who Will Die Alone Because She's Too Jacked for Anyone to Want, I don't do well. There are things I'm good at, and when I remind myself of this, I feel better. I know I can find ways around that unhappy ending.

Edited by moodyjuniper
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I spontaneously cut my arm open so deeply yesterday that I thought I needed stitches. I’ve never required stitches before. These are by far the worst cuts I’ve ever made on myself. I thought I would hospitalized. I managed to avoid hospitalization last year. I had no choice but to show my father. He put rubbing alchol on and bandaged it, but he didn’t think I required stitches. He’s very much worried that I’ve been misdiagnosed since medications, TMS and ECT treatments have failed to significantly improve my depression. I saw my therapist an hour later, who has been pressuring me to go into family therapy for months. I finally had to bring it up to my father. My therapist believes the environment I live in may be contributing to my depression. It’s the one topic that hasn’t been thoroughly addressed, so he figures family therapy may be the answer. 

I’ve been frustrated over being surrounded by kids at school who are ambitious, know what they what, and seem to so easily master everything they try. 

I’m in class right now. The teacher hasn’t arrived yet. I don’t feel like staying.

Edited by SqueezeWax
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