Jump to content
20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

Recommended Posts

Depression has come back pretty hard lately.  My mother died a few weeks ago, and I've been unable to land a job despite having an advanced STEM degree.  I have a few leads, but that's been the case since I graduated.  They never seem to go anywhere for whatever reason.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, sober4life said:

Life is short go for it!  We have plenty of regrets already that eat us up.  You not taking this golden opportunity will be another regret.

Ya. No. I'm not sure.

I see it as a mostly selfish opportunity. Something *I* want. And that gives it a negative spin in my way of thinking.

I'm not supposed to be happy but I'm supposed to make other people happy. That's how I've always been.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
35 minutes ago, blackfloyd said:

Depression has come back pretty hard lately.  My mother died a few weeks ago, and I've been unable to land a job despite having an advanced STEM degree.  I have a few leads, but that's been the case since I graduated.  They never seem to go anywhere for whatever reason.  

So sorry for your lost and the pain you are going through. Hang in there and keep posting. We are here for you.

BW

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, zenzang said:

in physical pain and not sure if it's just bottled low lying stress i can no longer detect consciously or actual physical pain.

I hope you feel better!!!

I understand this all too well.  One of the worst things about anxiety and depression, for me, is that I never know if I am really not feeling well because of illness or something physically wrong, or of if it's all just my body's reaction to stress and anxiety.  I find this most frustrating of all - and the constant thinking about what is causing the issue morphs into over-thinking and ruminating about this situation and that, of course, causes my anxiety and depression to skyrocket.  Crap!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, RiverLight said:

Thanks and great point! No, not such a bad thing I want things to get done! 

It is not a bad thing at all.  But, perspective it key.  That elusive balance.  You were right to say it is not life or death.  Do your best, then forget about it!!! 🙂  (I know, easy to say.  Still, that is where we all need to be to remain at peace!!!!!)

Remember - first thing at work is - breathing, being.   It's only work.  You can't control all outcomes. No one can. It's all good.  Do your best and then, well, then it's over and gone!!!

Good luck!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
37 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Ya. No. I'm not sure.

I see it as a mostly selfish opportunity. Something *I* want. And that gives it a negative spin in my way of thinking.

I'm not supposed to be happy but I'm supposed to make other people happy. That's how I've always been.

Hm? This post, above all others you've posted, really gets to the underlying issues for me, my friend.

I would just ask you two questions to consider:

1. Can you continue to be all that you can be for your daughter into the distant future doing what you are doing now?

2. Do you believe a happy and emotionally supportive father is a greater gift to your child (young woman) than money and support payments.

 

Now, admittedly, I don't know if your post refers to a career change at all.  And I don't know, if it does, how risky a proposition it is.

But from here what I see is a man ******* himself, slowly and painfully.  Drawing it out. I have been there.  For me there was nothing more awful that being in an abusive career I'd lost all heart for.  That was the worst experience of my life and it almost killed me. 

Putting your peace first and foremost trickles down to your daughter.  It tells her that you can take a chance and you should be true to yourself and you should never imprison yourself for decades in a situation that is ******* you.  In my opinion, these are three lessons worth so much more than money!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, salparadise6132 said:

It is not a bad thing at all.  But, perspective it key.  That elusive balance.  You were right to say it is not life or death.  Do your best, then forget about it!!! 🙂  (I know, easy to say.  Still, that is where we all need to be to remain at peace!!!!!)

Remember - first thing at work is - breathing, being.   It's only work.  You can't control all outcomes. No one can. It's all good.  Do your best and then, well, then it's over and gone!!!

Good luck!!!

Aw, thanks Brian! True words of wisdom! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, blackfloyd said:

Depression has come back pretty hard lately.  My mother died a few weeks ago, and I've been unable to land a job despite having an advanced STEM degree.  I have a few leads, but that's been the case since I graduated.  They never seem to go anywhere for whatever reason.  

My sympathies and prayers for you, i hope she went peacefully, you never get over it  but it will take time to get used to her being gone and until then take care of yourself 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Still, at this hour, trying to digest my week that started with a doctor who was condescending and dismissive of my concerns on a new, unwelcome and serious health issue.  It consumed my week.

First, I shut down completely for 24 hours.  Then I started to lay the groundwork for a written grievance against him.  Good for me.  I wasn't going to let him get away with it.  I'm holding him to account...and I don't care about the outcome.  As I've said previously, he caused problems by bullying me and I'm returning the favor by using the bureaucracy.

I wasn't expecting the test results for a week, but they came back positive within 48 hours, confirming my fears and the anxiety that will come with treatment in the next month or so.  At least I've been able to find some support on it all - both the abusive doc and diagnosis - in one of my HIV online forums.

Thursday, with the help of my T in the same office, I was able to dump the old PCP, secure a new one, and begin the formal grievance process.  I suppose it was cathartic to get it all out with the T, but it brought up anger issues I really don't feel I'm capable of adding to the mix right now.  tbh, I'm becoming annoyed with him that there doesn't seem to be any direction to my treatment that I can discern.  Feels like there are too many issues.  I'm trying not to shut down.  Also, it feels like, just as I start to get a handle on things, something throws a wrench into 'em.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Still, at this hour, trying to digest my week that started with a doctor who was condescending and dismissive of my concerns on a new, unwelcome and serious health issue.  It consumed my week.

First, I shut down completely for 24 hours.  Then I started to lay the groundwork for a written grievance against him.  Good for me.  I wasn't going to let him get away with it.  I'm holding him to account...and I don't care about the outcome.  As I've said previously, he caused problems by bullying me and I'm returning the favor by using the bureaucracy.

I wasn't expecting the test results for a week, but they came back positive within 48 hours, confirming my fears and the anxiety that will come with treatment in the next month or so.  At least I've been able to find some support on it all - both the abusive doc and diagnosis - in one of my HIV online forums.

Thursday, with the help of my T in the same office, I was able to dump the old PCP, secure a new one, and begin the formal grievance process.  I suppose it was cathartic to get it all out with the T, but it brought up anger issues I really don't feel I'm capable of adding to the mix right now.  tbh, I'm becoming annoyed with him that there doesn't seem to be any direction to my treatment that I can discern.  Feels like there are too many issues.  I'm trying not to shut down.  Also, it feels like, just as I start to get a handle on things, something throws a wrench into 'em.

I salute you for standing up for yourself and seeking the help that you need. 

It really is one damn thing after another isn't it?! I'm on the treadmill of catastrophy myself.

I'm not sure everyone meets challenges on quite the scale that some of us do...It seems a lot of people's challenges are smaller.

....but I salute you because you are a badass for taking on these challenges. 

Some people say that in a wierd spiritual way we choose our own challenges in order to learn certain lessons and grow into more spiritual beings....I choose to believe this and it helps me to have some sort of meaning for myself through and for the pain. Please disregard this if it has no meaning for you obvs.

Sending love and all the best. 

Nightjar

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Broke my leg last week. Gosh, I so envy you people for being able to walk and run and jump and go outside...

My temporary disability gives me an awesome reason just to rest and not do anything. But being depressed is even harder when you can't even go outside. Lying in bed watching movies makes me crazy already. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was cleaning up the house today and I came across the frog I bought mom in the hospital.  It's a frog that dances and sings about getting better and I grabbed it and threw it against the wall and broke it.  I can't take this anymore!  I need to make sure the doctors are held responsible for what happened to mom.  I can't let them get away with this.  I think @MarkintheDarkhas opened my eyes for sure with this!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

my self worth is not directly proportional to the amount of messages i get on my phone, in a day, or red numbers on my fb page. 

What is, directly proportional to my self worth, is how much joy did i share. 

eeek!

gtg to work, get in that bath and out the door. 

have a good day all 

❤️

m

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)
35 minutes ago, AloneGuy said:

I've been fighting a nasty cold all week but I think I'm finally starting to feel better this morning.  This week really dragged on forever...

That crap is going around at work too. My boss has been out all week! My daughter has called out sick from her job the past three nights as well. It's a nasty bug. Hope you feel better quickly!

Edited by JD4010

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...