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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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physically less painful than the other day, emotionally, like an open wound, not new, just not healed either. obsessive thoughts are sometimes my make or break, i have to break them the thoughts wherever they are, that havent come to the surface yet, i was triggered bad last night at work, what else can i do but get better, or worse, I want to get better, so im trying to expend my powerful energy through body work, interpretive dance, poetry and watercolors almost all at the same time for the entire listen of black sabbath's album Paranoid...its still on im taking a break to unload my brain from waves.. fun. challenging, fluid movement feels real good. it helps my pain the rest of the day, so its becoming a hobby.

gonna put it on youtube someday. but not now. 

hope we all make it through the day with plenty more, of whatever we needed at the beginning of the day.

❤️ 

m

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Calmer than I was after dealing with that lousy, patronizing doctor who shut me down and dismissed my concerns yesterday.  Essentially, I closed down for the next 24, barely leaving my bed.

Today I was able to gather my thoughts enough to draft a formal dispute with the practice, a process I'll start Thursday via my T in the same office.  It helped to lay out exactly what happened, how his patronizing attitude made me feel, and how it had immediate effect in the course of the appointment (I was reluctant, for example, to bring up any other issues).  I also laid down that I refused to deal with him any further.  Period.  If you will, I effectively shut HIM down.

Put indelicately, he made trouble for me and now I'm making trouble for him.  tbh, it may not change a thing, but at least the complaint goes on his record.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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I'm proud of you @MarkintheDarkI act the same way at this point.  I stick up for myself against everyone.  Nobody is going to get away with acting abusive to me again.  The people are either on my side and want to help me through life or they can get the hell out of my life.  I've had it with people thinking they can walk all over me.  I still choose to be nice because that's how I want to act in my life unless someone crosses me and then they better watch out.  I want peace but nobody is going to mess with me or anyone I care about again!

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Guilty.

Has anyone seen the show Carnivàle? One of the characters could heal someone "magically," but at the expense of someone or something else around them. He heals a little girl in a cornfield (I think) and the crops all around them wither as he walks away.

Part of what I do in a universal, spiritual kind of way, is to try to leave everything and everyone I encounter better than I found them. Until last year, I think I managed it pretty well. Since last summer, two people who were close to me have died. And I wonder if, by seeking help with my traumatic relationship (that I've ended,) I'm leaving swaths of bad juju, as though his poison is spreading. That even talking about him gives him life, power. I know I need to process this and work through it "out loud" to heal, but I feel guilty for the things I have to say to do so. And for the emotions and behavior that it elicits from me. I'll just write a post about this another time.

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I don't appreciate being labeled as having abusive behavior in these forums. Just because I have a thought in my head that comes out doesn't mean I should be criticized for it. This place is supposed to help people but yet label someone as abusive for stating something that there illness has made them think! Smh!

Yes I'm bored 

Edited by watalife

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I feel selfish for needing help. Well, not for needing help. For having PTSD in the first place and affecting the people around me. "Why didn't you just leave?" No one has asked me that yet, but I do wonder if they think it. I do. It wasn't all bad. He wasn't all bad. Skilled at charm and seduction. Grooming, luring. And finding ways to make me want to stay. I wanted a family. He gave me one. Sort of. I don't even know if I'm capable of that now. I can barely take care of myself.

I'm starting to ask myself "what if...?" an awful lot lately. What if I had made a different decision on that day with that person long before he came along? I could be cozy and snuggling in a nice family. What if I had given in earlier and asked for help? The best way I can think to describe how hard it is to leave is someone playing a video game well past the point they should be in bed, because... just one more level. Or whatever video games have now.

I know it's not my fault. If I were to refuse help or stop trying, that'd be another story. I'm not the type to give up on something like this, though.

Why does he creep around my head when I have an assignment due? Every bloody time.

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I feel helpless and worried. My medically fragile sister is in the hospital again tonight after just having spent a grueling week there about 2 weeks ago. She just can't seem to catch a break. And because of her physical and mental handicaps she can't speak or communicate how she is feeling and is totally dependent on our care. I feel so bad for her and our family because it is exhausting for everyone involved. We take turns staying overnight at the hospital because she can't be left alone. She can't get sleep in the noisy hospital, and I know it's super stressful and uncomfortable for her. I wish I could take her pain away and nurse her back to full health. It's so upsetting seeing her have to go through this all the time and we are running out of treatment options at this point. It's getting really grim and I don't think I'll be able to handle it if they can't fix things this time. I think it's tearing all of us apart on the inside, because we want to help, but we don't know how... 

Edited by AKB48

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9 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Calmer than I was after dealing with that lousy, patronizing doctor who shut me down and dismissed my concerns yesterday.  Essentially, I closed down for the next 24, barely leaving my bed.

Today I was able to gather my thoughts enough to draft a formal dispute with the practice, a process I'll start Thursday via my T in the same office.  It helped to lay out exactly what happened, how his patronizing attitude made me feel, and how it had immediate effect in the course of the appointment (I was reluctant, for example, to bring up any other issues).  I also laid down that I refused to deal with him any further.  Period.  If you will, I effectively shut HIM down.

Put indelicately, he made trouble for me and now I'm making trouble for him.  tbh, it may not change a thing, but at least the complaint goes on his record.

Sorry that happened to you my friend.  I'm glad your taking action!!!!

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7 hours ago, Hertz said:

Inadequate, inferior, isolated, pessimistic.

Hertz, I am happy to see you posting. I missed you.  HUGS.

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This life just feels like being the ant that's getting burnt with the magnifying glass all day.  I try to enjoy this life but I don't.  I don't even bother to put on the fake smile anymore.  I'm always just bitter and angry and restless and I can't take this anymore!

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5 minutes ago, sober4life said:

This life just feels like being the ant that's getting burnt with the magnifying glass all day.  I try to enjoy this life but I don't.  I don't even bother to put on the fake smile anymore.  I'm always just bitter and angry and restless and I can't take this anymore!

Hang in there my friend and hopefully things will eventually begin to get better for you 

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I’m feeling ok at the moment and I’m about doing my usual things like Substituting Teaching today.  I really do feel so alive when I’m around these future leaders of tomorrow 

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13 hours ago, Hertz said:

Inadequate, inferior, isolated, pessimistic.

Took the words right out of my mouth...er, I mean fingers.

I can't seem to make things "happen".

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3 hours ago, Ratvan said:

Really excited, almost over excited. I get to pick up Percy (Rescue Cat) in a few hours

I want my grumpy floof now!!!

I love cats. Both of mine are rescue kitties. They were "surrendered" when they were eight years old. I've had them almost four years now.

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