Jump to content

How Do You Feel Right Now #10


Recommended Posts

2 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

I don't think happiness is something that comes, invited or uninvited.  It's something we have to carve out for ourselves minute by minute, and trying to do so with depression and anxiety is an exhausting job. 

Then again, maybe there is no "happiness;" maybe, along those lines, contentment is the best we'll ever have.

Yes, WOTL.  There is now considerable literature attesting to the fact that chasing happiness is a fools game.  Peace and contentment with what is is what we should be going for.  An inner calmness and acceptance.  That is attainable.  Happiness, Glee, those are fleeting moments and they lie as much as our moments of utter despair and hopelessness.  Trust neither of them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had a very nice date tonight with a woman I've known on the periphery for more than 30 years.  She asked me out.  She's smart, and a good conversationalist.  I like that. We went to a challenging Harold Pinter play and had a great time.  I really like her, as a person!

All that said, she has a big corporate job and travels the world on a whim and I am check to check and on a budget. I will keep this thing as a friendship, if she is willing, see a few cultural things now and again, get together to chat.  That,  in itself, is beautiful.  As for a relationship, although I may someday want to "make a pass" (LOL, what an old-school saying!!!), I will forever hold off on that.  Even if she was attracted enough to consider such a thing, I would be nothing more than a poor guy anvil around her neck.  

This is something I have to be at peace with and accept.

I think I can!!

Hugs, all!!!  You deserve it!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

Then again, maybe there is no "happiness;" maybe, along those lines, contentment is the best we'll ever have.

I'll never have either one.  If this isn't hell it's certainly hell for me.  Every day is as miserable as being on fire the entire day.  I've hated my entire life so far and will hate the rest of it too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel like I'm barely hanging on this morning.  I've never felt like this with DF before, but I wonder if I should even be posting and bringing everyone down with me.  I wish I could do what I often do and be able to at least share some glimmer of hope.  Well, I can't.

I'm sick of my medical issues and feeling like hell when I get up.  I'm resisting going back to using the cane.  Lately, despite my efforts, I'm in some kind of pain most of the day...and it's not going away.  Oh, I have my PCP Monday, but honestly, what the hell is that gonna do for me except confirm the decline of my health? 

I'm struggling every day and there's no one around who gives a damn about me.  I'm constantly reminded that I'm physically worse off than I was last year, the year before that and the year before that.  I'm in decline and there's nothing I can do about it.  I don't know how/if I can even survive the year.

Hell, at the moment, just sitting here at the keyboard, I'm trying not to cry.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You aren't bringing me down.  I care about you like you are family.  I'm a disaster myself right now.  I'm worse than I've been in a long time.  I worry that my posts will bring others down too but I'm feeling like I'm at rock bottom right now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, salparadise6132 said:

I had a very nice date tonight with a woman I've known on the periphery for more than 30 years.  She asked me out.  She's smart, and a good conversationalist.  I like that. We went to a challenging Harold Pinter play and had a great time.  I really like her, as a person!

All that said, she has a big corporate job and travels the world on a whim and I am check to check and on a budget. I will keep this thing as a friendship, if she is willing, see a few cultural things now and again, get together to chat.  That,  in itself, is beautiful.  As for a relationship, although I may someday want to "make a pass" (LOL, what an old-school saying!!!), I will forever hold off on that.  Even if she was attracted enough to consider such a thing, I would be nothing more than a poor guy anvil around her neck.  

This is something I have to be at peace with and accept.

I think I can!!

Hugs, all!!!  You deserve it!

You have to accept being a "poor guy anvil around her neck?"  I don't think it's fair of you to think of yourself like that.  We all have judgments about ourselves that DEFINITELY color our outlooks, but so does everyone!  We all have our "stuff" as I'm sure she has hers. 

Brian, the way you help others here is . . . wonderful.  You're a compassionate, logical yet feeling person.  And I know when we write here on the boards, we're hearing each other's inner voices -- who we really are.  And the man I hear is beautiful.  (I wish I could date you!)

Love and good thoughts to you --

WOTL

Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'll never have either one.  If this isn't hell it's certainly hell for me.  Every day is as miserable as being on fire the entire day.  I've hated my entire life so far and will hate the rest of it too.

That's how you feel at THIS MOMENT.  Every moment that passes affords you the possibility of contentment.  I've heard you feeling REALLY GOOD, and yes, you go up and down in extremes.  I wish there was a way to string all the moments of contentment together so we could have a continuum, but life intrudes and hurts and f u c k s with our moments of peace.  And that's our challenge.  That's The Job for which we will never be paid what we're worth.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know what you're saying but it isn't always about my bipolar disorder.  Sometimes I'm feeling appropriately.  Sometimes like now my life is completely awful and I should be miserable because of it because it's the right way to feel.  I hate my life more than ever now that mom is gone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So a co-worker spilled the beans and told this woman that I have known a few years that I had a crush on her... Which is okay but it hasn't developed any further since she knows. Maybe I should ask her out. Not sure though because I would be dragging her down into my own hell and I don't want to do that to her or anyone. That's me when it comes to relationships. I am always afraid of letting someone in only to hurt them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, roadking02 said:

So a co-worker spilled the beans and told this woman that I have known a few years that I had a crush on her... Which is okay but it hasn't developed any further since she knows. Maybe I should ask her out. Not sure though because I would be dragging her down into my own hell and I don't want to do that to her or anyone. That's me when it comes to relationships. I am always afraid of letting someone in only to hurt them.

You should ask her out.  Don't let depression ruin your life!  What you said not wanting to hurt anyone shows you are a good guy.  You deserve to be happy.  Go for it!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had to cancel all plans for the rest of the weekend.  I'm completely run down to nothing.  I don't have anything I have to do until Monday.  I'm determined to keep fighting to get a better life.  I have to get through losing mom somehow.  I have to survive it somehow and somehow I have to keep what little sanity I have left.  This time has been the most miserable nightmare I could ever imagine!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, sober4life said:

I know what you're saying but it isn't always about my bipolar disorder.  Sometimes I'm feeling appropriately.  Sometimes like now my life is completely awful and I should be miserable because of it because it's the right way to feel.  I hate my life more than ever now that mom is gone.

Yes.  I finally understand what it is to lose someone from your nuclear family; your first Tribe.  It hurts so much sometimes I don't think I'll be able to live with the pain.  I just want it to stop.  I will never see my brother again and that is SO HARD TO ACCEPT. 

I'm so sorry for your loss and for your pain.  I'm with you, dear. 

WOTL

Link to comment
Share on other sites

24 minutes ago, womanofthelight said:

Yes.  I finally understand what it is to lose someone from your nuclear family; your first Tribe.  It hurts so much sometimes I don't think I'll be able to live with the pain.  I just want it to stop.  I will never see my brother again and that is SO HARD TO ACCEPT. 

I'm so sorry for your loss and for your pain.  I'm with you, dear. 

WOTL

I'm sorry for your loss too.  I would do anything to take away your pain.  I don't know what the answer is to this.  I know I'll never see mom again either.  If there is a heaven she is there.  She saved so many lives as a nurse.  She was an angel that walked the earth.  I don't get to go where she went.  Knowing that I can't follow her is probably the only reason I'm still here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

You have to accept being a "poor guy anvil around her neck?"  I don't think it's fair of you to think of yourself like that.  We all have judgments about ourselves that DEFINITELY color our outlooks, but so does everyone!  We all have our "stuff" as I'm sure she has hers. 

Brian, the way you help others here is . . . wonderful.  You're a compassionate, logical yet feeling person.  And I know when we write here on the boards, we're hearing each other's inner voices -- who we really are.  And the man I hear is beautiful.  (I wish I could date you!)

Love and good thoughts to you --

WOTL

Thanks M, very much.  You're so kind yourself!!

I really do think I'm being realistic here, though.  My wife and girlfriend both dropped me due to my inability to provide the big things (travel, stuff).  I'm not about to get into that again.

Also, there is the little matter that we are, in so many ways, so different from each other.  Then again, I am so different from most people in this culture LOL - but, were she a bit more bohemian it would be one thing - but she's a down the middle corporate person who adores travel and fancy design and the best stuff (brand labels, Italian designers etc.)  She values basically everything we're supposed to strive for on the commercials.  I'm not like that at all.   

Finally, I seem to be incapable of falling in love, again.  I've been like this the past two years.  It's odd, really.  I can't even seem to arose a minor crush!  Freud said that he wished he could get rid of his sex drive - that that would be true freedom.  I'm feeling free because of it.  Still, not sure why it has happened this way.

I'm really Ok with it.  I have a new female friend (I value female friends because I get conversation I don't get with "the boys") and we can do the things together that don't involved smashing our heads together or attending Monster Truck events.  Plus, she's been through some hell herself and I hope I can help her a little.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hate my life and I can't wait to leave this place.  If things go the way I think they will go I will disappear from my life in April or May.  I can't wait until I never have to see these controlling abusive toxic people anymore.  I'll be sober a year and a half on Friday but because of these people around me I feel like I'm in prison or hell.  I should be happy and healthy right now but these people are destroying me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, blueskys_lemondrops said:

tired

confused

fearful 

That sounds like me in my life.  I saw in another post that you are planning to relocate to the south west.  I need to do something like that myself.  I have to get out of here!  This is a time in my life where I desperately need positive helpful loving people in my life.  The people in my life now drain me.  Being around them is like being poisoned every day.  It almost seems like they want to finish me off at times by their actions.  I want a happy peaceful life but to do that I have to have the strength to do it and these people are constantly toxic and they make me sick all the time.  Just when I start to feel better they mess me up and make me sick again.  I am fearful of everyone in my life right now and I can't continue to live like this anymore.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tired of feeling abandoned. I'm motivated to meet new friends, but I don't have time and might not until the fall. School and mental health are my priorities right now.

Angry that I wasn't there for my best friend when she passed away. She was twenty years older than me. Angry at myself that I was too lost in... I need to find a word for that... intrusive memories and dissociation and fear... to call her more than once when I got away from him. I'll call him Cain. I've put this issue on the back burner, because everything else is more urgent. I feel her absence every time I look at my phone and have no one to call. I could tell her anything. She never betrayed my trust. She never kicked me when I was vulnerable. She didn't pull punches or let me get away with excuses or fear. I loved this about her. She had high hopes for me and believed in me. I tried to get her to move in with me when I was alone a few years ago. She's had cancer on and off for several years. I didn't like the environment where she was living. She couldn't leave her comfort zone, even though I just knew I could make her more comfortable.

I was wrong. I do have a comfort zone. Just because people trample around in it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...