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How Do You Feel Right Now #10


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9 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

Don't know/care if I overdid today.  It was such a miraculous (in my mind) break from the past few weeks in a gray hole, I don't care.

Given that today was my monthly injections, perhaps it was knowing that I'll be physically reacting to the meds in the next 24-36 that pushed me a bit.

As I posted elsewhere - I'd only admit it here b/c it's humiliating - I finally got around to washing the bedsheets for the first time in a couple effin' months.  Also decided to run my regular laundry.  Since I know I'm gonna be...er...off physically tomorrow, decided a hot tub bath was in order.

Nothing like clean smelling covers. You should sleep 😴 good with fresh covers.  😂

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As funny as the bedsheets story sounds, it's one of those things that's waaaay too close to the worst of my depression 35 years ago.  And it's the kind of reminder that scares me.

At that time, for example, I used the stove for heat b/c I couldn't pull myself together enough to get an oil delivery for the furnace.  Nor could I even get the trash out to the curb for months on end.  It would just pile up in my two-car garage until I could barely fit the car in there.  But I HAD to fit the car in there b/c the finance company was looking to repossess it.   They'd come knocking on my door and I'd literally curl up quietly in a corner until they left.

To me, therefore, something simple like neglected bedsheets is a warning sign to me about how bad my depression has been lately.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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Yknow, I've noticed that during my really bad moments I return here.  So I guess that indicates how I'm doing/feeling.  Not that I don't like you guys, I just don't really need as much support when I'm doin' okay.

I'm just.... numb.  I can't bring myself to do schoolwork as of late and just spend hour after hour rotating between games on my tablet and when I'm away from my friends and loved ones (Like when I'm at home) everything just sinks into a pit. I'm so tired.

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5 hours ago, sober4life said:

To be honest when I was at my worst and was completely reclusive and had my own apartment for 9 years I don't remember ever washing my bed clothes. 

Gross my friend.  I do laundry twice a week and that is for just me.  I clean my work boots daily sometimes.

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got my final letter from the social security admin.

I have officially come off of disability after nearly 14 years of my early adult life. 

I began working full time in August 2018, and they are just now telling me i owe them $9k back! 

ROFLMAO, cough, in a month!

so, life  ...well. is happening. right now i am in physical pain, attempting to work on a collage piece about the cycle of violence, interpersonally. tried to upload a photo of my collage i made, but it didn't work. meh. sure am enjoying these 70s-90s national geographics I got and finally dug into. my bed is my work space right now. 

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5 hours ago, Rattler6 said:

Gross my friend.  I do laundry twice a week and that is for just me.  I clean my work boots daily sometimes.

You're right it is gross.  I'm not like that anymore at all.  These days my house is always clean.  I stress clean every day.

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4 hours ago, meeegs77 said:

got my final letter from the social security admin.

I have officially come off of disability after nearly 14 years of my early adult life. 

I began working full time in August 2018, and they are just now telling me i owe them $9k back! 

ROFLMAO, cough, in a month!

 

The same thing happened to me the first time I went off disability.  I just went back to work full time without reporting anything and yes I had to pay all that money back.  They won't give you a choice.  They took $50 out of every check until it was paid back.

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I got my roof fixed and because of the stress of knowing I had a damaged roof it threw me into a strong manic episode and made me do absolutely everything else that needed to be done to relieve the stress in my head.  I always feel like a pressure cooker about to boil over.  I can't handle any extra stress because my brain feels like it's filled to capacity at all times so anything that happens can make me fall apart.  I'm not a loner.  I can't do this alone.  I thought I was a loner until I was forced to be one and it's agonizing misery all the time.  I can't spend all of my extra time doing things that "have to be done".  I have to start using my free time to find someone out there that will love me and put up with me.  I was ok when mom was still here but I can't live like this coming back here alone day after day and crying and feeling so alone!

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idk where this day is going.  Fought thru an ongoing anxiety attack to pick up my scripts.  Seemed it was better to distract myself with activity than sit and suffer.  The phone calls I want to make today are a crap shoot, however.

tbh, I'm rather surprised I'm relatively functional physically after my monthly injections yesterday.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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54 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

idk where this day is going.  Fought thru an ongoing anxiety attack to pick up my scripts.  Seemed it was better to distract myself with activity than sit and suffer.  The phone calls I want to make today are a crap shoot, however.

tbh, I'm rather surprised I'm relatively functional physically after my monthly injections yesterday.

That's what I have to do.  I have to get up and do things because every second I sit I'm suffering because I'm thinking and there is nothing good to think about ever!

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The posts above are mentioning daily issues that seem monumentally difficult when one is depressed. I'm fully on board with that...

Cleaning the apartment is a horrendous undertaking for me. Even something as simple as the bathroom sink. I used to be good at keeping everything up. Now my place looks like a disaster area. I'm in this never-ending "meh" mode of existence.

"The place is a horrifying mess!"

"Meh. Who cares? Ain't nobody coming by to visit".

My garbage disposal went south on me two weeks ago. Now I cannot use the kitchen sink's drain. So I put a dishpan inside the sink and wash everything in it. Then I pour the spent water into the toilet, and wash out the pan in the shower. The reason? I don't want my landlord coming into the apartment to replace the garbage disposal and seeing what kind of chaos I live in.

Edited by JD4010
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I know what you guys mean about not being able to do chores when depressed.  During my darkest times I would rarely get out of bed...so needless to say the upkeep of the house/apartment suffered greatly.  Cleaning just doesn't occur to me when I'm in a dark mental pit.  

Today I'm feeling kinda brain dead and "blah".  Could be worse though.  

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23 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

The posts above are mentioning daily issues that seem monumentally difficult when one is depressed. I'm fully on board with that...

Cleaning the apartment is a horrendous undertaking for me. Even something as simple as the bathroom sink. I used to be good at keeping everything up. Now my place looks like a disaster area. I'm in this never-ending "meh" mode of existence.

"The place is a horrifying mess!"

"Meh. Who cares? Ain't nobody coming by to visit".

My garbage disposal went south on me two weeks ago. Now I cannot use the kitchen sink's drain. So I put a dishpan inside the sink and wash everything in it. Then I pour the spent water into the toilet, and wash out the pan in the shower. The reason? I don't want my landlord coming into the apartment to replace the garbage disposal and seeing what kind of chaos I live in.

lol are you me I think the exact seem thing you should see my passenger seat it's filled with coca cola cans up to the seat I tell myself I'll clean it tomorrow and its been about two months my mother saw it and had a fit I told her I just don't give a shit because no one has been in the passenger seat for years except my siblings who I tell to stamp on the cans because im a lazy asshole

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4 minutes ago, scienceguy said:

lol are you me I think the exact seem thing you should see my passenger seat it's filled with coca cola cans up to the seat I tell myself I'll clean it tomorrow and its been about two months my mother saw it and had a fit I told her I just don't give a shit because no one has been in the passenger seat for years except my siblings who I tell to stamp on the cans because im a lazy asshole

Hahaha. My car is a garbage scow too. I used to drive the most spotless car imaginable. Now I simply don't care.

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5 hours ago, Stand_alone said:

I got a rejection e-mail from a job I just applied for. I almost had a nervous breakdown at work.

You will get over it.  Take it one thing at a time. 

 

27 minutes ago, bellerose said:

I'm an insensitive prick who can't communicate properly and rubs people the wrong way. 

I know how you feel. Sometimes the only way to say something is the wrong way.  I have gotten more tactful as I have aged. 

I feel rather impulsive and irritated.  I am calming down from this morning when I got angrier than I should have over something silly.  Which was not finding a damned piece of paper work.

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