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How Do You Feel Right Now #10


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I got an e-mail yesterday at work. the girl in my training class quit and now they are want me to work on Saturdays. I had saturday plans lined up. I’m going to find another job that is m-f. It feels rather demoralizing that the company incentivizes ppl to work over time by showing up Sat and work up to 2 hrs, while those stuck to work there get regular pay. Tbh working on a sat is an eye sore when there is a friday or mon holiday.

 

Sat is actually my self-care day

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Still just letting myself drift, as I did most of the week.  One thing I can say for the weekend is that there are no external pressures on me.  I've had a couple moments I've had to fight off anxiety attacks.  If ever there was a definition of meh, this is it.  I feel like I've given up caring about much of anything.  Just can't fight it.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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8 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm feeling pretty good today.  I'm going to enjoy this weekend and live the rest of my life like I have nothing to lose because I don't have anything to lose.  I like living that way because I always feel confident because there is nothing to worry about.

Go Get It Girl and with no Regrets

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On 2/20/2019 at 5:15 AM, RiverLight said:

This is going to be long. 

But WOW. What a roller coaster lately. I am listening to soothing ocean waves on my YouTube channel right now to relax before work. It's helping. I need my head together for work this week. 

We still don't know what's happening with my fiance's dad. We're figuring out when to fly down to FL. We cannot dip into our honeymoon fund for a funeral, though the right thing to do would be for us both to go. His brother may sport us one of the plane tickets -- hopefully he would. We're still on standby, not knowing what's happening. 

I am actually relatively Ok, so to speak. I feel a LOT stronger than I've ever been. I don't know what happened to me or when exactly, but I am able to carry this scary issue with his father, my work stress, his work stress and any other life stressors just fine right now. I am not falling apart, which blows my mind.

Usually by now I would be in pieces and not functioning as well. I'd probably be calling in sick to work for several days. 

Perhaps it's the fact that I have a caring and supportive work environment, and that it's making a BIG difference for me. It has its problems and is certainly not perfect, but it's supportive, and I can tell they truly care about me and value me. Maybe that's allowing me to hold it together right now and still function well. 

IF I had a toxic work environment like I've had in the past, I do think I'd be cracking at the seams. 

And if the meeting with my boss had not gone so well yesterday, I'd probably be calling in sick. He seemed happy to work with me on making our reports better and more efficient. He was very positive about the whole thing. I can tell he generally likes me as a person and as an employee.

He was also very positive about meetings he had Friday with two of my clients who seem very happy with my work. One client is considering expanding their contract with us. So that's positive. And two of my other clients? Their website traffic and sales leads have soared lately, and I've had a lot to do with it. I am very happy about that. 

Gotta hold onto ALL the positives!!!!!

So a takeaway for people here, from all my life experience and challenges:

Embrace and hold onto any positives you can find through life and/or mental health challenges. Always look for the silver lining in any seemingly negative situation. Focus on your progress and not on shortcomings or failures. Be grateful for all that you do have and don't focus on what is lacking. Turn negative thoughts into more positive ones. Life is too short. It is meant to be lived, and we are meant to be happy. Today is a brand new day, full of new possibilities. It's a chance for a new start. Every day presents a new opportunity for greater happiness and peace. 

Hugs to all. 

Thank you for sharing. You have instilled in me to keep remembering that tomorrow is a new day and to open my daarken eyes to see what is good. :rose:

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I did a lot today. A day of Meet Ups. One was an Anxiety meet up. For the first time people started talking about it, although it was a book reading. That guy who looked like my uncle was there. I sat away from him. Overall it was a good day.

I want to keep my Saturdays as my day to get better. 

 

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Oh, no here we go again I cannot sleep and I got to go back to work for another 12 hours shift with only two hours of sleep.  I’m lying here wanting to go to sleep but I cannot.  I want to scream 😱 but it want do any good.  I hope everyone else is resting well and are having a much better night than I am.

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I decided for my own health that I must leave another forum I’m on. I’ve been an active member there for a long time, but I’ve been attacked three times on there in the last week alone simply for expressing my honest opinions and thoughts. That place is toxic to me lately and it’s getting worse. I don’t need it. I care too much about myself and my own well-being to allow people I don’t even know to bring me down. They’re complete strangers and they’re completely toxic. And I feel it’s truly unfortunate because I’ve gone there for support and give a lot of support too. Too bad it’s completely toxic for me. 

Edited by RiverLight
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I’m feeling terrible. I’m thinking of leaving this house and finding my own place. But even then I’ll need time to find a good place on my own. It needs to be somewhere I can live in peace and have the proper necessities to be able to live my daily life to go to work etc. And must be a place I would be comfortable in cos I don’t wanna regret moving out. But this will be a big step for me. It’s not like I never tried running away and leaving the house before. I tried many times to live with relatives etc. but always end up coming back. I need my own place, I can’t be living in other people’s place anymore. And I’m feeling so overwhelmed by all this. I wish I don’t hate the people living in this house. I wish I don’t have them hanging over my shoulder and commenting on every single thing I do. I wish my anxiety and thoughts can just go away. But it can’t cos it has happened too many times already. I know as the younger one I should just say sorry. But it’s difficult and I just can’t stop the past from repeating again and again in my head. Oh how I hate myself so much. 

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Guess I’m feeling really disappointed.

I wanted to be a therapist at one point in my life, but I decided against it. So I joined mental health forums to not only get support through my hard times but to give it to back others to feed that side of myself.

And now I want to leave this other mental health forum because I am being attacked when I am just trying to help. It’s upsetting because I know I’ve been a positive influence there. But it’s for my own health that I leave.

The other side of it is that it’s exactly why I couldn’t become a therapist for real. Too hard and too draining. I take it home with me.

But a huge part of me really wants to help people who are struggling because I’ve struggled and have recovered.

It just seriously sucks that people have to become so nasty to one another when all we are trying to do is help. My heart has always been in the right place. 

Edited by RiverLight
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1 hour ago, RiverLight said:

Guess I’m feeling really disappointed.

I wanted to be a therapist at one point in my life, but I decided against it. So I joined mental health forums to not only get support through my hard times but to give it to back others to feed that side of myself.

And now I want to leave this other mental health forum because I am being attacked when I am just trying to help. It’s upsetting because I know I’ve been a positive influence there. But it’s for my own health that I leave.

The other side of it is that it’s exactly why I couldn’t become a therapist for real. Too hard and too draining. I take it home with me.

But a huge part of me really wants to help people who are struggling because I’ve struggled and have recovered.

It just seriously sucks that people have to become so nasty to one another when all we are trying to do is help. My heart has always been in the right place. 

What you're saying sounds like mom's story.  She was a wonderful nurse for decades but she took all of the stress home with her and it destroyed her completely.  You do what you have to do to protect you and keep you healthy and happy.  We love you here and we know you are a loving good person that wants the best for everyone.  I've thought many times about leaving this place.  It's very hard to come here every day and see all the people that you love in endless pain.  It's too much to deal with sometimes.  I want them to be happy but I feel very hopeless sometimes.

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28 minutes ago, sober4life said:

What you're saying sounds like mom's story.  She was a wonderful nurse for decades but she took all of the stress home with her and it destroyed her completely.  You do what you have to do to protect you and keep you healthy and happy.  We love you here and we know you are a loving good person that wants the best for everyone.  I've thought many times about leaving this place.  It's very hard to come here every day and see all the people that you love in endless pain.  It's too much to deal with sometimes.  I want them to be happy but I feel very hopeless sometimes.

Awww thanks Sober!!! It’s only natural to feel others pain and to feel helpless or hopeless over it. I wish everyone nothing but healing and greater happiness in life. Those of us with mental issues have a tougher battle than most to fight. It’s double the battle and pain. But happiness and improved well-being are well worth the fight. 

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