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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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Every time I begin to feel better someone is put in my life to try to break me again.  I know it's on purpose by some force out there.  I'm sure of it.  The thought isn't this person is really suffering lets help them out.  No it's all scripted to make sure things end in a bad way.  This is hell simple as that.

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1 hour ago, Devlinkyla said:

Life is so painful 

Yes.  Honor the pain until it gets out and then switch your focus. 

Right now tired.  Had a slow day at work and felt like a sixth wheel for a car so I asked to go home.  I was really depressed so I pushed hard at the gym.  I felt a bit better.  Still concerned about my performance at work. 

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Pensive.

One of my late brother's x-girlfriends has a child who is probably my brother's.   He left half of his estate in trust to both of her children for their education--what he left for one he would surely not have deprived the other, though the younger child is not his.  It became obvious to me that even though Andy denied the question flat-out when asked by my younger brother if her elder child (17 years old) was Paul's.  And yet, she emailed him a photograph of a space she has created in her home--an altar, so to speak--with a beautiful urn of some of Paul's ashes and a photo of him holding her younger child as a baby.  She no doubt swore to Paul that she would not share this knowledge with my family, and yet, I have no doubt that though she verbally denied it, she wanted us to know. 

She and Paul broke up years ago, and all Paul told me at the time was that she wanted to get married and have a family and he did not.  So, she moved on.  Her second child is 12. 

There is a history of this in my family.  Paul located a half sibling of my father's through one of those DNA programs.  He said she sounded very much, in inflection and manner like our grandfather--of whom Paul had very fond memories--and said how glad and grateful he was that she spoke to him.  (W T F  PAUL?????????  Sometimes geniuses are the DUMBEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.)  But he never shared this information with my father because, after all, he hadn't spoken to my parents in decades.

My mother's mother died calling for her "baby" just before she passed away, though both my mother and my aunt were with her.   I interviewed and recorded the remaining 3 grandparents I had at the time (my father's father died when I was 7) when I was in my twenties, and my grandmother spoke of a man with whom she had been deeply in love--who was white--but whom she could not have, but left out any reference to a child.  When I asked her if she had been in love with my grandfather when they married, she said "no.  He was a nice guy, and I wanted to have children."

My father's mother had a cousin, Audrey, who came to stay with them a while, back in the days when an "illegitimate" child was something shameful.  It wasn't until years later, when Audrey was on her deathbed calling for her baby, that my grandmother put it together.  No wonder Audrey was isolated from her family for months!  No wonder she had to stay in the attic for her entire visit!  No wonder she couldn't go outside and play with the other kids in the neighborhood! 

The irony in all of this is that Paul and his first wife had 2 abortions; one of my sisters had a miscarriage, my other sister and I both had 2 abortions each.  There was a time when my younger brother thought he'd like to father a child and raise it with a partner (he's gay), but left the idea behind when he found out his partner was a drug addict.  I always assumed that the father of any prospective child I might have would come into my life at the right time, but it never happened.  So of the five siblings in my generation, four of us remain with no one to follow us, so to speak.  Hopefully, we use our talents while we are living and perhaps leave good works behind.  The time is now.   

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I called off for my shift tomorrow morning, like 20 minutes ago. 

 

posture is wreeking its painful havoc on my body, i spent most of the daylight out walking in the city, ran 3/4 mile, walked about 7 more. sitting at my current screen is painful, laptops about to die & i need to lay down on some heat, pain pain pain...grrr

 

fell asleep before posting. 

much needed extra day off from work...went well today did laundry made some food, talked to a friend..made a bunch of artwork today, feel better than i did yesterday. going back to work 8 am tomorrow, hoping for not much snow happening in between...

listening to a co-worker, as a dj on our npr station, at work she's my supervisor...practically my mentor there if anyone else that i work with would be worthy of that, only this girl or my team leader. 

feeling physically painful, but glad to experience her radio show 🙂

it feels good to not have to speak to anyone if i dont want to. 

i feel like my mom should have been more concerned when i told her i was experiencing depersonalization and dissociative episode sort of thing today, all she said was im sorrry

who's outta touch??

 wow!

 

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1 hour ago, SouthernSolitary said:

A little down and lonely 

Yes I'm very lonely!  I'm realizing this is it for me.  Each day I'll come back here alone and cry and go off into my own world.  One day I won't come back because why would my brain want to come back to reality.  My brain is tired.  It's done going through all of this pain every day.

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Still feeling better than normal, though last night was kind of rough.

My depression basically has three pillars:

Headaches
Loneliness
Sleepiness/fatigue

I'm doing what I can for all three, and have made some recent changes to work in each area. For the headaches, I started Propranolol about two weeks ago (which lines up with the start of my better-than-average mood), which seems to help reduce the headache. For the loneliness, I've gone and seen a professional cuddler (my therapist recommended this; I'm rather starved of human touch, and it did help quite a bit). I'm also trying to reach out to other people, though it's kind of rough when I had two different people agree to meet, then tell me after having me wait for 15+ minutes that they weren't coming... I hate the feeling that I'm being too "needy" by asking to hang out more than once every couple of months, and then when the meeting was supposed to happen, I get stood up... but I'm trying. I'm going to some meetup groups, too, despite my fatigue getting in the way.

And as for that fatigue, I went off of using a mandibular advancement splint back in December (for sleep apnea). My doctor and I were unsure how much it was helping, so I he recommended that I go off of it for a while. I was sleepy/fatigued on it, but I noticed that my gym visits went down to almost nothing in the time that I was off of it. I've started going again since resuming use. I still crash a lot (I had to lie down for multiple hours for more than half the days this week) but I'm making *some* headway in terms of exercise (I've made it to the gym more times in the last two weeks than I did in the two months of not using the device). I've also been taking adderall, which keeps me from falling asleep at work (I've got excessive daytime sleepiness, in addition to the fatigue). No changes there, just part of my symptoms management.

I also keep thinking about how I should move. If I were going to find a solid support network where I live, it would have happened by now. I'm mostly worried about the stress of a larger city and the cost of living in other areas. There's great scenery here, the city isn't too big, and I can afford a big house on the hill... I also haven't gone on a date in 5 years and only have a few friends who I barely ever hang out with and even then they flake on me.

//Better mood does not mean that I don't have a long way to go...

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

Yes I'm very lonely!  I'm realizing this is it for me.  Each day I'll come back here alone and cry and go off into my own world.  One day I won't come back because why would my brain want to come back to reality.  My brain is tired.  It's done going through all of this pain every day.

So far I just drink the pain away. Dunno which is worse 

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On 2/7/2019 at 7:39 PM, Kogent5 said:

Whenever I'm around normal people with healthy social lives, I feel like it's too late for me to ever be normal. It seems such a distant thing and they talk about it like it's nothing. I envy that.

Yes. I get this. When I see people having dinner together or doing social things with their friends, I feel like I missed receiving that DNA sequence. I do everything alone or with my mom. I haven't had a best friend since fourth grade and haven't been on a date in eleven years. Social grace will always be an unachievable goal for me. I so completely get this. Thank you. 

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I hope I can pull myself out of this.  I took the prescribed day off yesterday for physical recovery - and I am rested - but it spiraled into a depression and obsessive thoughts overnight.  I may just have to make it into a separate thread.  Yeah, it's that bad. 

I feel paralyzed.  I'm tired of being sick.  I'm angry with my life situation and the supposedly caring people who've completely ignored that I even HAVE needs.  fwiw, I'm gonna ask my T for a scaled evaluation Thursday. (I haven't dared run my own PHQ-9 online)

I'm hoping that maybe something like caring for my neglected potted plants on the porch might help...particularly since they're the first thing I see coming home.  Yep, this is a bad one and the second in a week.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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45 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

I hope I can pull myself out of this.  I took the prescribed day off yesterday for physical recovery - and I am rested - but it spiraled into a depression and obsessive thoughts overnight.  I may just have to make it into a separate thread.  Yeah, it's that bad. 

I feel paralyzed.  I'm tired of being sick.  I'm angry with my life situation and the supposedly caring people who've completely ignored that I even HAVE needs.  fwiw, I'm gonna ask my T for a scaled evaluation Thursday. (I haven't dared run my own PHQ-9 online)

I'm hoping that maybe something like caring for my neglected potted plants on the porch might help...particularly since they're the first thing I see coming home.  Yep, this is a bad one and the second in a week.

I'm sorry my friend, I wished there were something we could do to help you.  Try to hang

in there my friend until things lighten up some for you. 

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Life is indeed very painful for some. and others no . No one said it would be fair . for those who made fun of me and my negativity all these years, i hope you never feel this much pain or see anyone you love suffer this way. it's horrible.

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I hate these winter holidays. It feels like a reminder every month about spending time with a loved one. Here comes Valentines day. Best I can do is find a Singles discount from a business and stay home and watch Netflix.

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21 minutes ago, Stand_alone said:

I hate these winter holidays. It feels like a reminder every month about spending time with a loved one. Here comes Valentines day. Best I can do is find a Singles discount from a business and stay home and watch Netflix.

I won't have anyone either not for this Valentines Day or any other I'm forced to suffer through.  The only way I'm getting a card is if I go back to the days where I was in elementary school and the teacher made you give everyone a card.  Everyone who handed me a card looked angry because they had to give me one.

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7 minutes ago, Floor2017 said:

I need some help ASAP, I TOOK SOME MUSCLE SPASM MEDICINE And now I

cannot keep my eyes open. 

Floor, please get to a phone and contact 911. Did you take too much? Or is this a normal side effect

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2 minutes ago, Natasha1 said:

Floor, please get to a phone and contact 911. Did you take too much? Or is this a normal side effect

normal side effect

I didn't mean help like falling out and going to "RIP", I meant I'm fighting sleep and I can barely keep my

eyes open because my body is trying to go in sleep mode 

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