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How Do You Feel Right Now #10


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I do like the high created by exercise but not the lack of control.  I like the adrenaline high.  But with my health I have to tone it down.  I have been trying to quit alcohol as I have been drinking to get intoxicated although not heavily. 

A lot of what I do is control my behavior.  I am a very hateful person that forces himself to be kind. 

Right now I feel angry even though I am about to finish my cleaning and go to the gym.  Meeting an old friend for dinner tonight. 

I do not want to let go of this bezerker rage.  It got me through school, it got me a very coveted certification in the field I work in. 

I have read enough strategy to know to keep my emotions in check but it feels so good to push down the accelerator on an empty road, but I hold myself back as it burns more gas than needed.  I love to make that hit in a fight or when shooting.  But that is self control. 

I feel torn between the urge to release my wrath and self control.  Which I stupidly promised someone (who I will likely never see again) that I would control myself.  I control myself because of that promise and because I know it would get me into a fight I cannot win. 

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Accomplished enuf for me this morning that the little voice in me (and twinge in my legs) says it's time to stop.  I certainly could keep going, but I know if I keep going, as my team has reminded me, I'll overdo.  So I'll just stop.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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19 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

Accomplished enuf for me this morning that the little voice in me (and twinge in my legs) says it's time to stop.  I certainly could keep going, but I know if I keep going, as my team has reminded me, I'll overdo.  So I'll just stop.

Yes, you definitely need to listen to your inner voice 

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

I miss mom!  This is actually a very nice house but without her I just feel like renting a bulldozer and mashing this place over and hitting the road and never coming back.😢

Its ok to miss your mom. I do feel that she may prefer you to either live there, or sell it on to somebody who will enjoy living there, allowing you to free yourself of the constant reminders. Just a thought, but if you end up renting a dozer, lets go 50/50, I have memories to erase too.

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6 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Accomplished enuf for me this morning that the little voice in me (and twinge in my legs) says it's time to stop.  I certainly could keep going, but I know if I keep going, as my team has reminded me, I'll overdo.  So I'll just stop.

So I lay down and - pow! - out cold for six hours. wth?  (Every now and then I get a slapped with good dose of reality about my physiology...sheesh)

Edited by MarkintheDark
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I've been trying to solve a financial problem for 2 days straight and finally things have been figured out!  That's how I am I get sucked into a huge issue and never give up until I solve things.  I just want to rip out all of my hair right now.  It's like I've been in a who's on first type comedy routine with these idiots for days!  Finally it's over!

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1 hour ago, Extremebeginner said:

Its ok to miss your mom. I do feel that she may prefer you to either live there, or sell it on to somebody who will enjoy living there, allowing you to free yourself of the constant reminders. Just a thought, but if you end up renting a dozer, lets go 50/50, I have memories to erase too.

Of course I will and I'll help you bulldoze too.  I would like to bulldoze lots of bad memories away.  I was talking to my brother today and he said I never even thought you might not want to live in that house anymore.  It's like I live around a bunch of people that are from a different planet or we speak different languages or something.  These people are clueless!

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7 hours ago, APFSDS said:

Feeling somewhat ok-ish. But can't sleep! I don't want to take sleeping pills either - reason being they won't solve the problem.

I hope you were able to get some sleep tonight.  

Now it's my turn to try 🙂  Good night everyone.  

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I just hate life.  I've hated every moment of it so far.  I've taken many different paths and it leads to the same hell over and over.  I'm barely hanging onto any hope anymore.  I'm getting to the point where I'm realizing I'm never going to be happy in this world and never going to have a good life.  This is the last year I'm willing to try for nothing and make a fool of myself which is all I've done so far.  This year is my best year or my last year.

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All things considered, not bad. I got two hours of sleep last night, but I didn't feel as bad as I could've. Breakfast was great, the baby was so cute, and we had a good time. I got my husband to work on time and got myself home fine. I even walked the dog longer than I planned on it, so I don't have to worry about dealing with her for hours. Now I can just relax and try to get some sleep. My husband is even letting me off the hook of picking him up tonight if I'm too tired, as he can take a later bus. Phew!

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