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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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15 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

The ironic part of that is, you might actually be all of those positive adjectives...but depression blinds us and tells us the opposite.

I need so badly to believe that there could be a grain of truth in the things they’ve said to me. 

I do credit them with keeping me alive the past few years, because they have managed to put some doubt in my mind as to whether I am worthless and without any purpose as I have believed. 

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1 minute ago, SqueezeWax said:

I need so badly to believe that there could be a grain of truth in the things they’ve said to me. 

I do credit them with keeping me alive the past few years, because they have managed to put some doubt in my mind as to whether I am worthless and without any purpose as I have believed. 

I have been going through the very same thing...unfortunately, it has been for decades. The one thing I do know is that I'm a "likable" guy. People seem to genuinely like me. I tend to be outgoing and even "funny" around people when I force myself out from my usual isolation. But that has always been difficult and now after the divorce, I seem to be isolating even more.

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9 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

I have been going through the very same thing...unfortunately, it has been for decades. The one thing I do know is that I'm a "likable" guy. People seem to genuinely like me. I tend to be outgoing and even "funny" around people when I force myself out from my usual isolation. But that has always been difficult and now after the divorce, I seem to be isolating even more.

My therapist has told me I can’t be aware of my strengths if don’t give myself a chance and put myself out there. I have been going to an art school on and off for the past eight years, and still haven’t found my calling. I would start all over again at something different if I had the money. 

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UGH. Posting this here for some support. My mother wants me to wear her garter belt for my non-traditional wedding?! We have no guests! She also today told me I should wear our family jewelry. I don't want to! I bought a gorgeous jewelry headpiece to wear, a turquoise and blue flowery type of headpiece, and I want the rest of my jewelry to be turquoise topaz to match. I saw a gorgeous earring and necklace set on Etsy today that I'd love to buy. 

The bottom line is that my mother is upset she is not attending the wedding, and she wants to be involved somehow, but that involvement is now evolving into her being somewhat controlling about what I wear at my own wedding?! I am a bit annoyed, even though I am 100% compassionate towards her given her feelings. I, too, want to involve her, but I want to wear what I want, not what she wants!!!! It IS my wedding after all, right??? And it should be exactly how my fiance and I want it to be, not how others want it to be, right??? Isn't that my right here? Especially given that WE are paying for the whole thing ourselves???? I am a bit beside myself. 

ARGH. Why does this have to be so difficult when it comes to family? 

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48 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

The bottom line is that my mother is upset she is not attending the wedding, and she wants to be involved somehow, but that involvement is now evolving into her being somewhat controlling about what I wear at my own wedding?!

That kinda passive-aggressive behavior (imo) just makes me so dam mad...and she's not even participating.  Hell, it's YOUR wedding.  Do what YOU want.  I'd say more, including a few choice words I'd have for her, but I'll jus' shaddup now....

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Hi River,

Hope your wedding is a wonder, whatever form.  I am not a wedding planner, and have no background in the area, there's my disclaimer.  Without stepping on the toes of whatever shoes you choose, and given your 100% dedication to her feeling, I would suggest wearing the garter.  It's a thing that might or might not be seen, and perhaps would allow you mom a piece of the action without causing you concern.

best, Bulgakov

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35 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

That kinda passive-aggressive behavior (imo) just makes me so dam mad...and she's not even participating.  Hell, it's YOUR wedding.  Do what YOU want.  I'd say more, including a few choice words I'd have for her, but I'll jus' shaddup now....

Yes it seems like passive aggressive behavior. Or it’s ghat she just doesn’t know how to respect boundaries, which my sister just reminded me about. Thank u! 

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31 minutes ago, Bulgakov said:

Hi River,

Hope your wedding is a wonder, whatever form.  I am not a wedding planner, and have no background in the area, there's my disclaimer.  Without stepping on the toes of whatever shoes you choose, and given your 100% dedication to her feeling, I would suggest wearing the garter.  It's a thing that might or might not be seen, and perhaps would allow you mom a piece of the action without causing you concern.

best, Bulgakov

Aw thank u very much!! It will be amazing. We’re really looking forward to a real getaway. I may just say yes to my mom on the garter belt and not wear it OR use it creatively. Hehe. 

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Posted (edited)

Feeling better than I've felt in two months or more...just got off the phone with my best friend of 40+ years...his mother died a few weeks ago (he's an only child), and he's asked me to speak at the memorial service next week. I'll be headed to Atlanta next week (my stomping ground for 30 plus years) to reconnect with friends and  family, and very  much  looking forward to it.

I'm best friends with his cousin as well. The three of us have been hanging out since 3rd grade, the three musketeers, if you will .. Their moms are sisters, and they consider me one of the family, a surrogate son/brother/nephew. In the throes of black depression, it is all too easy to forget the love they have, and always will have, for me, and I for them.

Human beings take far too much important s.hit for granted 😕

If I have a "new year's resolution" (considering I find the whole "new year's" hubbub to be a bunch of random, arbitrary nonsense), it is this:

To not take important s.hit - the REALLY important s.hit - for granted anymore...

Edited by LonelyHiker

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1 hour ago, RiverLight said:

My mother wants me to wear her garter belt for my non-traditional wedding?! We have no guests! She also today told me I should wear our family jewelry.

Again, tell her you'll wear her jewelry only when she reimburse the full bill you paid for the wedding.

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Today was great thanks to the sun coming out to warm everything up well enough to go motorcycle riding. Went with my Dad and a few of his riding friends and spent the afternoon out on my Triumph 🙂 I'm tired though now so maybe I'll actually get some sleep. Tomorrow is also supposed to be warm so I'll probably go riding again.

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The Ambien worked (for once) and I got decent sleep.  I was up and alert for those predawn shots I wanted.  But their timing didn't work out.  I'm having one of those feelings that it's a precursor to how the rest of my day will go.  Maybe I should just quit before more stuff is eff'd up...and just wait until Tuesday.

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Seriously? I have to go back to work now? A full work week ahead. The last two weeks we had only a three-day work week. Now it's a full week. I have my monthly reports to write and then long client meetings... the bane of my work existence. PLUS, I have a presentation to give to my teammates today. Oh joy! Feeling kinda depressed about going back to work. Why can't I just win the lottery already?!?  When's my vacation?!? Oh yeah, not 'til May! GRRR. 

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