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How Do You Feel Right Now #10


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I am back "home" (no place really feels like home to me anymore) after five days in Atlanta, where I lived most of my life until moving to Richmond with my now ex-spouse in 2005. I was there for the funeral of my best friend's mother. I hadn't been back to visit in over nine years, which is kind of shameful on my part. Everything has changed. I felt dislocated and empty. Like a stranger, despite being surrounded by people I've known and loved for over forty years. I am like a surrogate son/brother/cousin/nephew to them. Yet I still felt untethered and isolated. I wasn't ignored...quite the opposite, in fact. I talked and socialized and hobnobbed and kibbutzed and joked and laughed and cried and hugged and kissed and did all those things a person does when they are catching up with close family they haven't seen in a long time. But I still felt like an imposter, and feel like one still. Like none of it really mattered/matters. The rusty, pitted, pockmarked wheel of life turns and turns, I grow older and greyer, the world dims a little more, and my interior sun, what little of it there is, flickers and sputters a bit more strongly, inching closer and closer towards the final curtain, that day when it, and the shell of a person it inhabits, are extinguished forever.

Edited by LonelyHiker
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1 hour ago, MarkintheDark said:

Fragile, but ok I guess.  The Robitussin takes care of the mucous which takes care of the coughing, which takes care of the shortness of breath.  But I have to limit any activity that stirs things up.  Managed some sleep a few hours at a time, too.

I don't have anything really until the pdoc Thurs afternoon.   So I'm gonna stay in bed.  My body still feels very tired.

Understandable my friend try to get better 

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18 minutes ago, LonelyHiker said:

I am back "home" (no place really feels like home to me anymore) after five days in Atlanta, where I lived most of my life until moving to Richmond with my now ex-spouse in 2005. I was there for the funeral of my best friend's mother. I hadn't been back to visit in over nine years, which is kind of shameful on my part. Everything has changed. I felt dislocated and empty. Like a stranger, despite being surrounded by people I've known and loved for over forty years. I am like a surrogate son/brother/cousin/nephew to them. Yet I still felt untethered and isolated. I wasn't ignored...quite the opposite, in fact. I talked and socialized and hobnobbed and kibbutzed and joked and laughed and cried and hugged and kissed and did all those things a person does when they are catching up with close family they haven't seen in a long time. But I still felt like an imposter, and feel like one still. Like none of it really mattered/matters. The rusty, pitted, pockmarked wheel of life turns and turns, I grow older and greyer, the world dims a little more, and my interior sun, what little of it there is, flickers and sputters a bit more strongly, inching closer and closer towards the final curtain, that day when it, and the shell of a person it inhabits, are extinguished forever.

I feel you my friend it can be very hard fitting in within your own mind.  Even though nobody else knows what is going on in your head it still is difficult just trying to be one of the guys 

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I thought I had a pretty good relationship with someone.  This person has been kind of like a father to me.  Now he makes up excuses to not have to see me.  Faking like he is sick making up reasons why he can't be around.  He really helped keep me sober but I'm looked at like some disease by people.  Nothing lasts nothing works out.😢

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26 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I thought I had a pretty good relationship with someone.  This person has been kind of like a father to me.  Now he makes up excuses to not have to see me.  Faking like he is sick making up reasons why he can't be around.  He really helped keep me sober but I'm looked at like some disease by people.  Nothing lasts nothing works out.😢

I’m sorry my friend we are here for you 

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48 minutes ago, Floor2017 said:

I’m sorry my friend we are here for you 

I'll be ok.  I have to face the truth and truth whether I like it or not is nobody will ever care about me in real life again.  It's all me now and probably always will be.  In real life I don't come across is the needy person I do here.  In real life I pretend to be the strong one.  I hide my feelings because I don't trust anyone in my life enough to show those feelings to them.  My mind probably has about 6 months left.  It will go by the end of the year and my body will probably give out within a few years.  I'm just going to try to enjoy what is left I guess.

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4 minutes ago, Devlinkyla said:

Went to the doctor today 🤨 went okay feeling like my doctor don’t know for sure I remember her meh off the medication yay me 😊 and on a new one so I probably won’t go crazy  🙄 okay still can happen  😒

I hope everything goes well for you my friend 

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

I thought I had a pretty good relationship with someone.  This person has been kind of like a father to me.  Now he makes up excuses to not have to see me.  Faking like he is sick making up reasons why he can't be around.  He really helped keep me sober but I'm looked at like some disease by people. 

I'm wondering if he might have some issues of his own that have nothing to do with you?  Jus' a thot, dear sober.

I know my tendency is that when somone's standoffish my immediate reaction is that it must be something about ME.  ("But I use a deoderant!") Believe me, it's a conscious effort to get out and manually turn that kind of thinking around.  So, too, sometimes people move on and aren't particularly cognizant of the effect on me.  But that's on them. :console:

Edited by MarkintheDark
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12 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

I'm wondering if he might have some issues of his own that have nothing to do with you?  Jus' a thot, dear sober.

I know my tendency is that when somone's standoffish my immediate reaction is that it must be something about ME.  ("But I use a deoderant!") Believe me, it's a conscious effort to get out and manually turn that kind of thinking around.  So, too, sometimes people move on and aren't particularly cognizant of the effect on me.  But that's on them. :console:

Yes he has issues of his own.  I think I know what's going on with him but like me he hides a lot that's going on.  He was obviously lying to me on the phone though and even went to the extent of fake coughing pretending to still be sick.  I suppose I can't get too mad when someone acts like I probably would.  I've used the I'm sick story tons of times myself to get out of things.  I'm just very fragile.  Each day finds a way to make me feel more alone in this world.

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35 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

I know my tendency is that when somone's standoffish my immediate reaction is that it must be something about ME.  ("But I use a deoderant!") Believe me, it's a conscious effort to get out and manually turn that kind of thinking around.

Same here. I get super paranoid and think that I did something wrong. What's really sad is that I am aware of this but my paranoia coupled with BPD makes it almost impossible to stop those thoughts when the situation arises. 

18 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Each day finds a way to make me feel more alone in this world.

:hugs: Just try to remember that there are people who care about you on DF. There must be some in real life too who just don't know how to express it.

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My day wasn't bad today I got a job at the Huntington learning center as a Science Tutor it is only 2-10 hours a week so I have to keep my shitty grocery store Job. I have another interview next week so maybe I can get that job to. I feel so depressed tonight despite that getting the job I wanted. Now im just waiting for my trazdone to kick in so I can go to bed.

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8 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Same here. I get super paranoid and think that I did something wrong. What's really sad is that I am aware of this but my paranoia coupled with BPD makes it almost impossible to stop those thoughts when the situation arises. 

Every situation in person with someone either goes perfect or I consider it a complete failure.  If one thing goes wrong as far as something I said or they said or something wrong with how I acted or they acted I will obsess over the conversation sometimes for weeks or months.  I think I did something wrong almost every time I talk to someone.

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The saddest thing about all of this is I know exactly the life that would make me happy.  I know the person I love in this world and I know the happy life I want with that person.  I know exactly what would make me happy but there is no hope of it happening.  There's no hope that this person will even care that I love them.  I know for me I can't live this life knowing that nobody in my day to day life cares if I go on breathing.  A lot of them would probably be happy and throw a party if they knew I had passed away.  What a life.  I need to find some hope soon.

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Odd day.  Slept in until early afternoon to give my body time to recover from this cold (and my brief scare that it would put me back in the hospital).  I'm definitely improving, but not out of the woods.  I guess it feels odd b/c I'm not used to being ok with just letting my body heal in its own way in its own time.

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On 1/22/2019 at 12:00 PM, lonelyforeigner said:

That's never been a problem for me, I'm super thirsty all the time and drink 3 - 4 liters a day. Probably because I'm always hot and sweat excessively. During winter when everybody else is shivering I still manage to steam up car windows, lol. 

Ha. I'm a polar bear too. I turned off the heat in my office so it's 60 degrees. People come into the office and immediately mention how cold it is. I'm ust sitting there with short sleeves. 🙂 I may have to turn on the furnace starting later today...we are going down below 0F for several days. I've got the thermostat set at 55 degrees in my apartment. 🙂

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On 1/22/2019 at 11:53 AM, sober4life said:

Thank you that made me cry.  You are a big part of why I stayed sober as well.  You have been a wonderful friend to me and I would do anything for you.  I'm so proud of you!❤️

We've done each other a lot of good. Glad we got away from the poison!

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