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How Do You Feel Right Now #10


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I don't have much either.  Every day life feels darker and colder.  None of matters anymore.  I don't look forward to any of it and all the people are toxic.  I go out for a while and come back and lay in bed crying until I am exhausted and fall asleep.  I used to enjoy sleep because there was nothing but now the nightmares are back.  There's nowhere to go for any type of peace in this world anymore.  Like I said before this is hell.

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6 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I don't have much either.  Every day life feels darker and colder.  None of matters anymore.  I don't look forward to any of it and all the people are toxic.  I go out for a while and come back and lay in bed crying until I am exhausted and fall asleep.  I used to enjoy sleep because there was nothing but now the nightmares are back.  There's nowhere to go for any type of peace in this world anymore.  Like I said before this is hell.

Hugs my friend!!!!  

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50 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I don't have much either.  Every day life feels darker and colder.  None of matters anymore.  I don't look forward to any of it and all the people are toxic.  I go out for a while and come back and lay in bed crying until I am exhausted and fall asleep.  I used to enjoy sleep because there was nothing but now the nightmares are back.  There's nowhere to go for any type of peace in this world anymore.  Like I said before this is hell.

I agree it is hell sorry you feel that way also

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1 minute ago, Devlinkyla said:

I agree it is hell sorry you feel that way also

I know it's miserable.  I go out and see other people enjoy life and then here we are honestly believing this could be the real hell.  I wouldn't be surprised a bit if it was true.  I don't know what we did to deserve all of this.

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2 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I know it's miserable.  I go out and see other people enjoy life and then here we are honestly believing this could be the real hell.  I wouldn't be surprised a bit if it was true.  I don't know what we did to deserve all of this.

I don’t think you did anything to deserve this me on the eather hand I’ll tell yea I missed up pretty good not trying to sound I don’t know how ever that sounds 

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Turned into a scary day for me health-wise.  That li'l cold blew up a bit into a mucous-fest that put my COPD into overdrive.  Had a few coughing sessions that were exactly like the ones before I put myself into the hospital in October.  Not being able to draw sufficient breath is terrifying enough...shaking, gripping the edge of the table.  Add some anxiety that crests into full-on panic and that describes it.  Yeah, considered putting myself in the ER again.  tbh, too, considering my HIV, I have to admit pneumonia crossed my mind, despite having dodged it for 26 years.

Each time I managed to slow my breathing and calm down enough even to doze off, albeit only on my back.  My inhalers only helped a little.  Had to PM with one of my DF buddies for support.  Took me hours to build up the courage to venture out to the drugstore for the Robitussin DM they gave me in the hospital and that was the only thing that worked.  Yeah, that simple.  But not easy.

For the first time all day, I'm feeling like I may survive this round.  I'm physically and emotionally exhausted and may even yet indulge in a good cry.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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On 1/20/2019 at 12:32 PM, sober4life said:

I'm taking a break from this place for a while.  I don't have any hope anymore and I'm not going to just whine all the time.  I'm pulling away from everything and everyone for a while.

Oh hey. I understand...but PLEASE keep in touch with us. You're a family member as far as I and many others are concerned.

On edit: Congratulations for 500 days sober!!! What a remarkable achievement! You are a primary reason that I'm still sober as well.

Edited by JD4010
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1 minute ago, JD4010 said:

Oh hey. I understand...but PLEASE keep in touch with us. You're a family member as far as I and many others are concerned.

I'm not taking a break.  I changed my mind.  Every time I try to take a break I miss everyone here too much.  I can't do it and don't want to do it.  I'm just a very emotional person and let my emotions overwhelm me sometimes.

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Just now, sober4life said:

I'm not taking a break.  I changed my mind.  Every time I try to take a break I miss everyone here too much.  I can't do it and don't want to do it.  I'm just a very emotional person and let my emotions overwhelm me sometimes.

I hear ya. I do the same.

Oh...I added to my original post...but congratulations on the 500 days of sobriety. What a remarkable achievement! You're a big part of why I have remained sober as well.

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21 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Fat... I gained 15 lbs in the past 2 months. I gotta get my emotional eating under control... 

You and me both. When I get home from work, I plop my @ss into the recliner and start stuffing carbs into my mouth. I'm no longer drinking, but I'm "filling the void" with crappy food.

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Today I'm trying to decide if I want to make a huge change in my life. I was up most of the night thinking about it. I want to do something for myself for a change, but it would involve retiring. I've been here 30 years so I could technically do it. But so much is contingent on my continued employment, including health insurance (ever more expensive) and the huge monthly maintenance payment to my ex that I'm supposed to be making until I'm 65.

Oh, and she gets half of my retirement pension automatically too.

I guess that means I can't do what I want. I'm stuck in this rut from here on out. Same damned rut I've been in for decades already.

Round and round and round I go. I want off this sh!tty carousel.

Edited by JD4010
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34 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

I hear ya. I do the same.

Oh...I added to my original post...but congratulations on the 500 days of sobriety. What a remarkable achievement! You're a big part of why I have remained sober as well.

Thank you that made me cry.  You are a big part of why I stayed sober as well.  You have been a wonderful friend to me and I would do anything for you.  I'm so proud of you!❤️

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30 minutes ago, Floor2017 said:

I agree my friend try drinking warm water before you eat.  It helps feel the stomach and make you desire less food 

Yes that helped me.  Making sure I got the recommended amount of water each day cut down on my eating.

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2 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Yes that helped me.  Making sure I got the recommended amount of water each day cut down on my eating.

That's never been a problem for me, I'm super thirsty all the time and drink 3 - 4 liters a day. Probably because I'm always hot and sweat excessively. During winter when everybody else is shivering I still manage to steam up car windows, lol. 

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2 minutes ago, lonelyforeigner said:

That's never been a problem for me, I'm super thirsty all the time and drink 3 - 4 liters a day. Probably because I'm always hot and sweat excessively. During winter when everybody else is shivering I still manage to steam up car windows, lol. 

You and I seem identical

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10 minutes ago, lonelyforeigner said:

That's never been a problem for me, I'm super thirsty all the time and drink 3 - 4 liters a day. Probably because I'm always hot and sweat excessively. During winter when everybody else is shivering I still manage to steam up car windows, lol. 

If you are thirsty all the time you might have diabetes or it might be a medication side effect.

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1 minute ago, sober4life said:

If you are thirsty all the time you might have diabetes or it might be a medication side effect.

I'm pre-diabetic but don't think that's the reason why, I've been super thirsty since my late teens. No meds. 

My guess would be a high DHT level since I have many of those symptoms:

  • Excessive sweating
  • Acne
  • Balding
  • Excessive sex drive
  • High blood pressure

Maybe I'll have to bring that up next time I get a physical, don't think they check for DHT levels unless asked. 

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Thanks for the support guys ❤️ You are like a family to me :hugs: 

Yes, group therapy doesn't seem like a good idea at all... First of all, my anxiety wouldn't let me go and secondly, I had no clue that they let the more extroverted ones speak the most! That's unfair... They should let everyone talk as much as they want, or can! That doesn't help the anxious people looking for help! If anything, it would belittle them 💔  

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Fragile, but ok I guess.  The Robitussin takes care of the mucous which takes care of the coughing, which takes care of the shortness of breath.  But I have to limit any activity that stirs things up.  Managed some sleep a few hours at a time, too.

I don't have anything really until the pdoc Thurs afternoon.   So I'm gonna stay in bed.  My body still feels very tired.

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17 hours ago, Devlinkyla said:

My hole life is not okay why must I be stuck here if it’s not okay things in life are harder then they should be and a friend is just not as good friend as I thought maybe am wrong but I don’t have mental friends in this world in fact I don’t have much at all just going off about how lame I am agin sorry for that

Never apologize for expressing yourself..

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