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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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19 minutes ago, Tears_Always said:

Thinking how much life fs around with us. Been handed a bunch of stuff at work that I would have loved to have done 7 months ago, but now is just about ******* me cause I need to think and reason and I just can't do it.

Got the feeling, I'm currently leaving my job in two weeks, it could be a relief for me, I think it will be. I just can't keep working there anymore, that phase is finished. I really understand for what you're going through, you just don't want to put your mind there, and... is not that you don't want, is that, there are other forms of evasion of oneself, better forms, easier and more enjoyable forms than work.

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Posted (edited)

Too keyed up to sleep. Not depressed (yet) but anxious enough that I can't relax.

A few hours ago I could have fallen asleep--and I nearly did--but my mind kept waking me up everytime I got close, and then I got into this state and I couldn't stand lying down anymore.

I double-checked everything I was anxious about and it's fine, so I don't know why or when I'll come down now. Just gonna try to focus on other things I guess. 

Edited by evalynn

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45 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

have you ever finally accepted that the dreams you had are never going to happen, and it's too late forever for you.......not a nice feeling

Yeah I have.  It's just survival at this point.  It's making it to a tomorrow I don't want to make it to and would have never asked for in the first place at this point.

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I am tired, but I can't go to sleep. I can't go to the sleep in the daytime anymore, which I'm glad because I won't be able to sleep at night. I went out today as usual. I got hit on by an old man. It's funny I always get hit on by crazy or old men. I know I have mental problems, but they take crazy to the extreme. 

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Posted (edited)

I guess I finally took a Me Day of sorts.  Got a haircut, which always makes at least a part of me feel better, got a Subway sammy and then it was back to bed for the day.  I suppose it's the past few weeks catching up with me.  Today I don't give an eff about much of anything...there's been too damn much of that in my head lately. 

Even so, fighting off an anxiety attack at the moment.  Felt for awhile like I needed to cry when I got up, but that's passed.  I guess that's something.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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On 8/22/2019 at 12:23 PM, ladysmurf said:

where from? yeah seems like a nice place...i have an old co-worker who moved there years ago and she likes it..what do you do for work? (i mean was it easy finding a job?) etc? is it easy to get started..sorry i dont want to ask too many personal questions, ..only answer if you feel comfortable or pm..thanks!

San Francisco. I'm a software engineer.  I dont know the job hunting scene here since I moved here with a job already with my existing company.  However it seems like there are always hospitality job openings in the hotels if you want to go that route.  There are lack of teachers here too so i heard.  Medical field is such in demand here as well.  I have a feeling the place lacks good doctors though, i mean i'm sure there are some but there's for sure no oversupply of doctors here.  For sure there are a lot of restaurants here all over, that seems to need a lot of positions filled.  I think if you're not exactly very choosy, then i believe there is no problem finding one. ❤️

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Today has been a disaster.  You know I think I'm a plumber now and I've made a mess of things as usual.  I don't have that thing in me to ask for help though.  I keep trying and trying and making things worse and worse.  I'm so stupid I can't fix a toilet though.  There are 3 houses hooked to this well that I'm on and my broken toilet ran the well dry so now I have to try to fix it.  I know how to shut off the water but fixing it I'm making a total fool of myself so far.  I have 2 toilets so I'm tempted to just say who cares and let it go.

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Posted (edited)
3 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Today has been a disaster.  You know I think I'm a plumber now and I've made a mess of things as usual.  I don't have that thing in me to ask for help though.  I keep trying and trying and making things worse and worse.  I'm so stupid I can't fix a toilet though.  There are 3 houses hooked to this well that I'm on and my broken toilet ran the well dry so now I have to try to fix it.  I know how to shut off the water but fixing it I'm making a total fool of myself so far.  I have 2 toilets so I'm tempted to just say who cares and let it go.

i'm sorry! i wish i can help but i have zero knowledge about plumbing.  You'll get better at it though as you keep working on it!  Learn from previous mistakes and all.  Just take it one day at a time. ❤️

 

Edited by Marc C

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44 minutes ago, Marc C said:

i'm sorry! i wish i can help but i have zero knowledge about plumbing.  You'll get better at it though as you keep working on it!  Learn from previous mistakes and all.  Just take it one day at a time. ❤️

 

Thanks I'm going to blow it off for now.  I don't really know what I'm doing either.  My help is youtube videos that I watch for about 5 seconds and then I say I can do that.  I do that with everything.

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Tired and back hurts, but it's a good tired-- the kind that come from doing something, not from depression. The cake and frosting are done. I was going to make candied lemons but we'll play it by ear. The kitchen is already a pigsty and I have no desire to clean it. 😆

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It's more surviving this dark cold life alone.  On the show Dexter when he told the kids sorry for your loss in a monotone voice with no feeling at all wearing the Mickey Mouse ears talking about the loss of their mother that's actually better than everyone has been in real life so far after losing mom.  You don't get anything from anyone.  You're on your own.  People don't care if you sink or swim live or die.  Just make sure I don't have to clean up the mess is their attitude.

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15 hours ago, Marc C said:

San Francisco. I'm a software engineer.  I dont know the job hunting scene here since I moved here with a job already with my existing company.  However it seems like there are always hospitality job openings in the hotels if you want to go that route.  There are lack of teachers here too so i heard.  Medical field is such in demand here as well.  I have a feeling the place lacks good doctors though, i mean i'm sure there are some but there's for sure no oversupply of doctors here.  For sure there are a lot of restaurants here all over, that seems to need a lot of positions filled.  I think if you're not exactly very choosy, then i believe there is no problem finding one. ❤️

yeah i don't have those qualifications, but the people i know that live there in your field and doctors so they can make it. i won't make it there...but thanks..

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21 hours ago, sober4life said:

Yeah I have.  It's just survival at this point.  It's making it to a tomorrow I don't want to make it to and would have never asked for in the first place at this point.

just survival for me too sadly.....

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Posted (edited)

Try as I might, I'm not doing well.  Been unsuccessful all day fighting off anxiety, even though I got out for gas and the drugstore.  Heck, even broke out the screwdriver to put the renewal sticker on my car tag.  I also threw myself into culling my best pix from 2018 into an online album.

My landlord/friend checks into a hotel Tuesday, though his closing isn't until the end of the week.  Meanwhile, confounding both of us, the new landlord hasn't made any overtures to contact me, completely aloof, as though I don't exist.  To my mind, that doesn't bode well for my last two months living here.  That kind of noncommunication scares me...and I'm already scared enough.

Though I'm ok financially at the moment, It's taking every damn bit of effort I have to hang on emotionally.  I wish I had someone to just hold me and let me cry it out.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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3 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

It's taking every damn bit of effort I have to hang on emotionally.  I wish I had someone to just hold me and let me cry it out.

Mark, I wish I was close by as I would be right over to hold you and let you cry.  

Many times I have felt like that and wished the same thing. Just know that I am here and I care.:hugs:

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