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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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21 hours ago, roadking02 said:

Just got back from walmart to just grab food for my dog but I ran into Katelyn... A girl I asked out when I was in college... I knew her in high school so she as well as everyone else who knew me at that time probably thinks I am just full of shit. I remember the day I asked her out, only to get a yes and shortly after that nothing. Just makes me angry because she probably is doing much better than I am. I cried while in the parking lot for a few minutes. Just keep having more reasons why I should just end everything. My medical problems... Social problems and what I want is just not possible for me to have.

I've been dodging raindrops for far too long
These clouds over my head they won't move on
I've been dodging raindrops trying not to get wet
I've been dodging raindrops for far too long...

well you never know. i know people who stand by their spouse with medical problems (yes even mental issues) because they love them and they are together for years. It's not easy to find those type of people but they exist that's all i can tell you. you are still young, so don't give up that easily..

 

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17 hours ago, sober4life said:

I hate Ohio.  I can't think of one reason to stay here anymore.  There's not even any good weather months here anymore.  There's not even a summer to look forward to here anymore.  We have two seasons at this point.  3 months of terrible winter and 9 months of unsettled unpredictable garbage weather.  It's impossible for me to be happy here.  I'm leaving this state for good in the spring.  I'm never coming back!

where are you going?

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Posted (edited)

Conflicted.  Day started off well b/c I put myself back to bed until midday.  I knew I needed to detox from an emotionally-draining past few days/weeks.  And a couple friends then came up with a photo opp for which I was the only one available. 

It got me out of the house...even as the new owner and a band of contractors were blocking my parking space as I rushed out and the truck hadn't yet picked up the bulk my neighbor and I put out yesterday.  Kinda like having to deal with my past and future at the curb.

The pix were great.  I'm gratified.  And the truck just cleaned up my curb.  But, looking at my porch a few minutes ago, with only the wrought iron table and chairs remaining, I felt a wave of sadness again sweeping over me.  And, again, I feel like I need a cry.

It's like any true happiness (dare I say joy) is now more fleeting than ever.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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18 minutes ago, Marc C said:

@sober4life Vegas is good. 🙂  I moved here last January and I'm loving it.  I surround myself with happy people and it seems to help 😂

* standard of living is cheap 

* got every shop you can think of

* plenty of things to do

* everything is 15 minutes away

❤️

It's possible.  I have relatives there that have asked me to come live there before.  Snow, cold and rain affect me negatively and I wouldn't have to worry about that much there.

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Sorry I haven't responded in a while. I went to my psychologist today and she prescribed Prozac. She put me on a low dose. I noticed she keeps me on low doses. The Trazadone finally started working. The Lamictal helps with my depression. My anxiety and panic attacks are horrible. I had an episode like I always have. My dad pissed me off today and I just got mad and started screaming, hit the counter hard, and fussed out my stupid brother. I told him that what he said when my Mom was alive hurt me. He doesn't remember. Of course, when people say mean stuff to you they can't remember. He told me when my mom was in the hospital from having a tumor removed that me and my Dad weren't taking care of her. We were the only ones by her side until the end. Now, my mom's friend kept on telling me that my mom should have had better doctors. She had the best doctors that she could afford. I took a long walk because everyone just pissed me off. I had to tell my dad before I left that I'm not my mom and you can't expect me to do the same things that she did like fuss people out who got on her nerves. I'm reserved and I only get riled up, if I'm provoked. Both my brother and my mom's friend have amnesia. When I came back I guess my dad thought about it and told me we didn't cause ma's cancer. People say that stuff because they don't like us. There is no cure for cancer. We can't cure it. I don't forget hurtful things people say to me. I may be medicated, but I'm not medicated where I forget. I still have feelings.

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Posted (edited)
3 minutes ago, sober4life said:

It's possible.  I have relatives there that have asked me to come live there before.  Snow, cold and rain affect me negatively and I wouldn't have to worry about that much there.

Snow, we had it for 2 nights last January actually, it was less than an inch and everyone freaked out LOL

Cold, I already forgot what cold means going through this very hot Vegas summer!

Rain, we had a couple of rains here and there, no big deal, thunderstorms here is crazy though -- quite frightening if you dont like lightning + thunder.  Other than that, it's really no big deal. 🙂

I hope you'll find your new haven soon!

Edited by Marc C

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On 8/20/2019 at 1:51 PM, BeyondWeary said:

Can you and your daughter share a place and help each other out? Sounds like you do a lot for her.

She lives with her mom at the house for which I'm still far in debt.  That saves money at least.

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Plunging down that deep well again. I'm on a week's vacation but I saw a work email notice pop up and made the mistake of opening it. One of the people I manage wrote an impolite email to someone in another department last week. I tried to smooth things over before I left last Friday--spent an extra 2 hours at work in fact. But word got back to my boss and now he's pissed AT ME for not bitching out this employee more than I did. Truth be told, the employee had a point but he went overboard in his message. I talked to him about it and then talked to other employee's supervisor. But nothing I ever do is up to the standards of my jackass of a boss.

I don't see how I'll be able to go back to work next week. I can't stand it. The atmosphere is horrible and the boss is such a meddlesome, arrogant and insufferable buttwipe. Day after day, I have to put up with his sh!t and try to convince "my" employees to go along with the boss's whims. I get a sick feeling in my stomach any time I think about it, which is pretty much all day, every day.

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33 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

She lives with her mom at the house for which I'm still far in debt.  That saves money at least.

I think you got the bad end of the deal. That is just awful. Wish there was a way to change that. Are there any lawyers who will take a payment after they help you make things better?

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Posted (edited)

It makes me physically and mentally ill, when the odds are not in my favor.

When it's me versus the entire planet, I feel like why does everyone in the world absolutely have to resort to creating alliances and making the numbers completely insurmountable for me?

Don't they have the ability to face me on their own?

Edited by The_Unwanted

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Better.  My chest hurts less, thanks Ibprofen.  Should have another short shift tonight.  Picked up a few things this week that I needed including an awesome set of work gloves that are probably illegal in a place I am glad I do not live even though the padding is to protect your fingers from cuts and whacks. 

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5 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Plunging down that deep well again. I'm on a week's vacation but I saw a work email notice pop up and made the mistake of opening it. One of the people I manage wrote an impolite email to someone in another department last week. I tried to smooth things over before I left last Friday--spent an extra 2 hours at work in fact. But word got back to my boss and now he's pissed AT ME for not bitching out this employee more than I did. Truth be told, the employee had a point but he went overboard in his message. I talked to him about it and then talked to other employee's supervisor. But nothing I ever do is up to the standards of my jackass of a boss.

I don't see how I'll be able to go back to work next week. I can't stand it. The atmosphere is horrible and the boss is such a meddlesome, arrogant and insufferable buttwipe. Day after day, I have to put up with his sh!t and try to convince "my" employees to go along with the boss's whims. I get a sick feeling in my stomach any time I think about it, which is pretty much all day, every day.

Sounds to me like you did the right thing, JD!!!!

Sorry you feel you're sinking.  

Here's one of those orange rings they have on beaches for you to hand on to ().  OK, so I'm not the master of emojis LOL!

But hang on nonetheless.  You approached it properly!!!

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9 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Plunging down that deep well again. I'm on a week's vacation but I saw a work email notice pop up and made the mistake of opening it. One of the people I manage wrote an impolite email to someone in another department last week. I tried to smooth things over before I left last Friday--spent an extra 2 hours at work in fact. But word got back to my boss and now he's pissed AT ME for not bitching out this employee more than I did. Truth be told, the employee had a point but he went overboard in his message. I talked to him about it and then talked to other employee's supervisor. But nothing I ever do is up to the standards of my jackass of a boss.

I don't see how I'll be able to go back to work next week. I can't stand it. The atmosphere is horrible and the boss is such a meddlesome, arrogant and insufferable buttwipe. Day after day, I have to put up with his sh!t and try to convince "my" employees to go along with the boss's whims. I get a sick feeling in my stomach any time I think about it, which is pretty much all day, every day.

Horrible place.  I think the correct phase is Toxic Workplace.

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21 hours ago, Marc C said:

@sober4life Vegas is good. 🙂  I moved here last January and I'm loving it.  I surround myself with happy people and it seems to help 😂

* standard of living is cheap 

* got every shop you can think of

* plenty of things to do

* everything is 15 minutes away

❤️

where from? yeah seems like a nice place...i have an old co-worker who moved there years ago and she likes it..what do you do for work? (i mean was it easy finding a job?) etc? is it easy to get started..sorry i dont want to ask too many personal questions, ..only answer if you feel comfortable or pm..thanks!

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17 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

where from? yeah seems like a nice place...i have an old co-worker who moved there years ago and she likes it..what do you do for work? (i mean was it easy finding a job?) etc? is it easy to get started..sorry i dont want to ask too many personal questions, ..only answer if you feel comfortable or pm..thanks!

My cousin loves it there.  She has been there for probably 30 years.

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On 8/19/2019 at 4:43 PM, sober4life said:

I wouldn't give up.  I would walk away from my life and start over somewhere else where nobody knew me.  I would go to another city and hide out with the homeless people or take my tent and live off the grid in the woods.

the only thing to remember is that even if we all try to move from our problems, and especially this illness, it will follow us.....because many have done it , and you can't escape this pain without dealing with it , but yeah the weather definitely helps for some

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1 hour ago, ladysmurf said:

the only thing to remember is that even if we all try to move from our problems, and especially this illness, it will follow us.....because many have done it , and you can't escape this pain without dealing with it , but yeah the weather definitely helps for some

I'm at peace with myself and I'm tough enough to protect myself from the people around here.  I'm not running from anything.  It's just time to start over.  If this was a video game back in the day I would push the reset button.  What I'm going to do is something like that.

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Went to see my damn therapist today no one told him I was there so I didn’t see him today I really wanted to talk to him today okay not much but I needed it oh well life’s a ***** at times I’ll get over I just need to eat I haven’t eat today yet

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52 minutes ago, Devlinkyla said:

Went to see my damn therapist today no one told him I was there so I didn’t see him today I really wanted to talk to him today okay not much but I needed it oh well life’s a ***** at times I’ll get over I just need to eat I haven’t eat today yet

Hope you had something nice Dev.

I feel tired and resigned.  Need to go for at least a few more hours.  At least my job is pretty easy right now.

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