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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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Posted (edited)

Not so good. My parents finally caught me sneaking out. I know it was stupid to and it means leaving my little sister in the house alone (she's 10.) I've been sneaking out for an hour every friday so I can see my fiance or take a walk. The isolation here is hurting me. Just that one hour every week- I look forward to it so much and I can't even have that. I'm not allowed outside because according to my parents everyone wants to kidnap or hurt me on the street. Anyways, I was caught, so I'll probably never be allowed outside without a security camera watching me again.

Maybe they're not actually concerned for my safety. Maybe they just want to isolate and control and always, always watch me. There's cameras all over the house, except for the bedrooms. I can't even open my blinds at night to see the moon because people will watch me from my small second story window. I can't go outside without being watched because everyone is out to kidnap or hurt me. Is it all for my safety, or for my capture?

Edited by PraiseBrownies
Censored word alteration

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On 8/15/2019 at 6:08 PM, sober4life said:

I'm never going to be happy in this world.  It's going to be a long prison sentence from beginning to end.  I've tried everything I know to do to be happy in this world.  There's no hope whatsoever.

I hear you sober.  I am in the same boat.

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Posted (edited)

A bit annoyed and anxious.
Yesterday had a 12 hour shift, had 0 hours sleep and today is another 12 hour shift. I've done that before, but I was relatively healthy. I'm far from healthy now.
I am almost certain I'm going to shout at people at work.

Edited by APFSDS
missed a sentence

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11 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm feeling much better today.  I'm trying to get my life back on track.

It's truly amazing how one day we can feel like the weight of the world is on top of us, and the next day we can feel ready to punch life right in the face.

Wishing you the best of luck Sober!

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2 hours ago, APFSDS said:

A bit annoyed and anxious.
Yesterday had a 12 hour shift, had 0 hours sleep and today is another 12 hour shift. I've done that before, but I was relatively healthy. I'm far from healthy now.
I am almost certain I'm going to shout at people at work.

I haven't spoken to you in the chat room in a while I hope everything is going well with you!

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On 8/15/2019 at 5:21 AM, Depressedgurl007 said:

I’m such a disappointment to everyone. Can I die I just want to die I’m tired of living up to people’s expectations, I can’t be a role-model for my child. I’m tired.

Hugs, my friend!!!  None of this is true, but it is how you feel.  I get that!  

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7 hours ago, idkusername465 said:

It's truly amazing how one day we can feel like the weight of the world is on top of us, and the next day we can feel ready to punch life right in the face.

Wishing you the best of luck Sober!

I've said it before I'm a very fragile person.  My whole life I'm walking a tight rope.  I feel very strong sometimes and at other times like a helpless baby.  I'm wishing you the best of luck too.  I want all of us here to find a way to happiness.

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10 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

happiness does not exist for me...

I'm not sure it exists for me either.  I'm not sure anyone I've ever come across in my life has been as happy as they pretended to be.  I'm just going to try to find peace in my life.

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm not sure it exists for me either.  I'm not sure anyone I've ever come across in my life has been as happy as they pretended to be.  I'm just going to try to find peace in my life.

hollywood happiness does not exist sober4life. that much i know . but i would like to wake up 1 day and enjoy my breakfast, take a walk, ..enjoy the rain , the sun, etc.. the little things that people take for granted..

 

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Had to mostly take the day off.  Have gone through a few storage boxes full of stuff and culled some of it that will need to go in cardboard boxes for the thrift stores if I can manage that this week.  Also found a tech teacher at a local high school who will take my old computers for her tech repair class.  A lot easier than recycling and the disks are wiped anyway.

But when I started to feel an anxiety attack coming on - the place is in a bit of chaos with the boxes right now - I just quit for the weekend.

And, heck, have to remind myself I've just spent a couple weeks rescanning and/or restoring, plus uploading, probably eight dozen legacy airline images I've taken from the past 50 years.

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Last night, someone - I assume the same kids who have been damaging the fence - uprooted one of the peony bushes my Mum had planted. It's gone. I am already in a sullen mood because it will be 2 days to her birthday and I miss her.

I hate my neighborhood and I hate these people. I want to cry but I'm in the library.

I feel sad and numb lately. Life is just pain right now.

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3 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

hollywood happiness does not exist sober4life. that much i know . but i would like to wake up 1 day and enjoy my breakfast, take a walk, ..enjoy the rain , the sun, etc.. the little things that people take for granted..

 

Hollywood happiness is an escape fantasy for most people.  Most people are one really bad day away from ending it all or snapping like someone on the movie Falling Down.  Most people's day is just good enough to give it one more shot tomorrow.  The truth is life is just about survival and we live our lives in the jungle where you have to try to keep the things you have and get the things you want and you have to fight off vicious people that will rip you apart to get the things you have and want every step of the way.  The only happy people are the people in charge and the people too naive to know what's going on around them.

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3 hours ago, Kogent5 said:

Last night, someone - I assume the same kids who have been damaging the fence - uprooted one of the peony bushes my Mum had planted. It's gone. I am already in a sullen mood because it will be 2 days to her birthday and I miss her.

I hate my neighborhood and I hate these people. I want to cry but I'm in the library.

In my country you can go to the police to report this & they'll investigate it as a property damage offence.

…but your situation kinda makes you wanna put up a "WARNING: TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT" sign, doesn't it?

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