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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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1 hour ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

Wow I'm so sorry to hear that 😞 whwhat is wrong with some people? I haven't had the guts to meet any men ive come to the conclusion that  i am not physically strong enough to defend myself should something happen. 

I feel the same way.  Most people that act attracted to me have plans to hurt me in some way.  It's always someone awful trying to trick me every time.

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14 minutes ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Not really... I am just so ****ing tired of existing. 

I feel so helpless that all I can offer is words of support.  I know you've been under ridiculous, intolerable stresses this month.  idk if this is useful, but sometimes I'll to go back and review some of my earlier posts in hopes something familiar will unconsciously toss me a psychological safety line. :console:

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1 minute ago, MarkintheDark said:

I feel so helpless that all I can offer is words of support.  I know you've been under ridiculous, intolerable stresses this month.  idk if this is useful, but sometimes I'll to go back and review some of my earlier posts in hopes something familiar will unconsciously toss me a psychological safety line. :console:

Yeah well... My plan of moving to another country isn't gonna work out, I haven't been able to raise enough money and I just learned that in Germany it can take 3 - 6 months to get your apartment's security deposit back (about $2K) which I was counting on to make it happen. Sitting in an almost empty apartment now just counting the days and being greeted by angry collection notices every day. Just had a huge argument with my "friend" who got me into this mess too because she's pissed off that I can't give her more money 😂 **** IT ALL, I am tired of trying to make things work, I am tired of trying to help others just to get taken advantage of and disrespected at every turn, I am tired of living. There is absolutely no point in even trying, I'm almost 40 years old and have NOTHING to show for it other than a damn laptop and a mountain of debt. No real friends, no relationship, no career, nothing. Unless a miracle happens I only have one option left, begging one of my parents to let me stay but what for? I won't be able to get an apartment anyway because security deposits are ridiculously high where they live and the banks will garnish everything anyway if I do find a job there and I sure as hell don't wanna stay with them for years. I'm just a burden on society and it's time I finally grow some balls and call it quits. 

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4 hours ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

Wow I'm so sorry to hear that 😞 whwhat is wrong with some people? I haven't had the guts to meet any men ive come to the conclusion that  i am not physically strong enough to defend myself should something happen. 

size and strength can hinder in self defense do yourself the favor of taking a class in it. Unfortunately in today's world you need to be able to help yourself. Also 2 things first - go for the eyes or if a male the 'nuts' second - scream FIRE as loud as you can, people come to that VS help or anything else.

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17 hours ago, sober4life said:

If I was a kid I could get away with carrying around a baseball bat.  If you're an adult carrying around a baseball bat everyone thinks you're up to no good.  I become the suspicious person then.  I just want to be left alone.  I don't cause any trouble.  I usually just do my own thing but these types of people always seem to find me.  I say I should stay inside but people like that will not take my freedom from me.  I refuse!

I am in the same boat.  Trouble makers always block the sidewalk and take swings at me.  

Carry a glove and ball along with the bat.😀

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7 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Yeah well... My plan of moving to another country isn't gonna work out, I haven't been able to raise enough money and I just learned that in Germany it can take 3 - 6 months to get your apartment's security deposit back (about $2K) which I was counting on to make it happen. Sitting in an almost empty apartment now just counting the days and being greeted by angry collection notices every day. Just had a huge argument with my "friend" who got me into this mess too because she's pissed off that I can't give her more money 😂 **** IT ALL, I am tired of trying to make things work, I am tired of trying to help others just to get taken advantage of and disrespected at every turn, I am tired of living. There is absolutely no point in even trying, I'm almost 40 years old and have NOTHING to show for it other than a damn laptop and a mountain of debt. No real friends, no relationship, no career, nothing. Unless a miracle happens I only have one option left, begging one of my parents to let me stay but what for? I won't be able to get an apartment anyway because security deposits are ridiculously high where they live and the banks will garnish everything anyway if I do find a job there and I sure as hell don't wanna stay with them for years. I'm just a burden on society and it's time I finally grow some balls and call it quits. 

All the people I have helped have turned against me.  

All the people my parents helped turned against them.

Conclusion: Do not help anyone. 

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Be yourself that's the way to get the life you want they will tell you but for people like me it's just an endless experience of seeing the world will hate me no matter who I am.  It doesn't matter what improvements I make to myself or my life.  I'm still seen as the throwaway the people that know me can't wait until I die.  I can see how this ends clear as day.  I'm the person that will turn my life around completely in every way just to still off myself in the end.  I'm determined to take the scenic route home it seems instead of just getting it over with.  Every time I start to believe in myself and feel better the world reminds me of reasons why I should hate myself.  I hate this life so much!

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5 hours ago, duck said:

All the people I have helped have turned against me.  

All the people my parents helped turned against them.

Conclusion: Do not help anyone. 

Yeah, sure seems that way. Humans are predatory animals, either you are the hunter or you're the pray. Neither kindness nor honesty have ever gotten me anywhere whereas I see people who take advantage of others leading happy lives. We like to tell ourselves that Karma will get them or that they must be miserable on the inside but the sad truth is that there isn't some universal governing force that makes this happen. Some bad people may indeed have bad luck at some point or are miserable on the inside but more likely than not they will get away with it and not think twice about those they hurt.

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

Every time I start to believe in myself and feel better the world reminds me of reasons why I should hate myself.  I hate this life so much!

Indeed! Doesn't matter how much progress I make life always seems to turn against me and I lose it all again. I know it's bad to prophecize and the future isn't written but at our age drastic change is unlikely and we just keep repeating the same patterns of misfortune over and over again. Sure, theoretically it's possible that we find love or win the lottery tomorrow but it's just as likely to get struck by lightning and no sane person would count on the later...

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1 minute ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Indeed! Doesn't matter how much progress I make life always seems to turn against me and I lose it all again. I know it's bad to prophecize and the future isn't written but at our age drastic change is unlikely and we just keep repeating the same patterns of misfortune over and over again. Sure, theoretically it's possible that we find love or win the lottery tomorrow but it's just as likely to get struck by lightning and no sane person would count on the later...

I know I've been here 40 years so chances are the last 40 will go like the first 40.  I used to be a dreamer and believe in a happy ending and a happy life but this life and people have killed off all of my hope.

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@lonelyforeigner I was just thinking the other day about karma. I don't think it's a real thing. All the a**holes I know are still sitting pretty with there horrible ways, and being rewarded for it too. They aren't  never going to suffer for the way they treat people. They just keep on doing it and getting away with it. God. They aint no god im assured.

Edited by watalife

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On 7/26/2019 at 3:41 PM, sober4life said:

I'm in way over my head all the time.  I'm like a monkey trying to land an airplane all through life...

I think you may have won the internet for that simile! Hahaha. But I know the feeling.

Edited by JD4010

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4 hours ago, watalife said:

@lonelyforeigner I was just thinking the other day about karma. I don't think it's a real thing. All the a**holes I know are still sitting pretty with there horrible ways, and being rewarded for it too. They aren't  never going to suffer for the way they treat people. They just keep on doing it and getting away with it. God. They aint no god im assured.

I agree. As my mom used to say, "Them what has, gets". The sociopaths win in this world and enjoy the fruits of other people's labor. They know how to work the system and they do it for their own personal gain, over and over again.

My family has always been on the losing side. We had our farm foreclosed upon by the bank in the early 1980s. Then some goddamn vulture corporation grabbed it up for pennies on the dollar. That was a huge eye opener for me...even if you work your ass off day after day, year after year, the greedy b@st@rds will come out on top in the end.

TANJ. There Ain't No Justice.

You're right. Karma isn't a bitch...it simply doesn't exist.

Edited by JD4010

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3 hours ago, sober4life said:

I've never been in more pain than I'm in now.  I want this to be over.  

Oh wow. What's happening? I hope you are doing better now.

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3 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Oh wow. What's happening? I hope you are doing better now.

It's just hard being in this world without mom.  I'm strong enough to do it but I don't really want to.  I know too much about this evil world to ever be happy or feel safe again.

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26 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

@sober4lifeYou are indeed strong enough. You, along with the rest of the DF family, are heroes of the highest order for continuing to fight the big battles.

Yes I am strong enough.  The people here are stronger than me.  I would have been dead a long time ago without the support here.  In real life I lost mom the only one that loves me.  The rest of my family wants me to die for 2 reasons.  One they see me as a loose end and two they want me to put them in my will.  They always pressure me to hurry up and set up a will.  There is no love or support from them.  They want the things I have and they want me to die end of story.  Should I be happy with this life?

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

Yes I am strong enough.  The people here are stronger than me.  I would have been dead a long time ago without the support here.  In real life I lost mom the only one that loves me.  The rest of my family wants me to die for 2 reasons.  One they see me as a loose end and two they want me to put them in my will.  They always pressure me to hurry up and set up a will.  There is no love or support from them.  They want the things I have and they want me to die end of story.  Should I be happy with this life?

Don’t put any of them in your will. Just donate it all to charity. 

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