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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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I guess I'm doing a little better today and I'll just have to be satisfied with that.

The anxiety has subsided a little bit, at least enough that it's showing up as smaller waves.  tbh, however, I haven't accomplished much except to put yesterday's laundry in the dryer.  (idk that I particularly like practicing rigorous honesty here, but something in me knows it's necessary.)

I've pretty much decided I'm not up to tasks outside of home today.  Exception was a Subway sammy, just to get myself outside, even if briefly.  I didn't expect something simple like that to also remind me that at least I can actually afford to buy lunch. 

And although I'm not being pounded on this side of town by the likes of yesterday's storms, they are blowing up nearby and giving me some relief from the blinding, baking sun.

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5 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Wow. They are that controlling, eh? I feel a similar pressure in my life. I simply cannot fail at "life" or else. Maybe I'm lucky that my family is distant. But they are still watching. And then there's my ex who lives within a 15 minute drive from me. She wants me to fail because it would "prove her right".

Screw it. I'm living my own life. And if I let myself, I could be having a great time. Haha.

They are very controlling and demanding and never go away.  It's very hard when you constantly feel watched and judged.  Of course I'm mentally ill and there's no way in this world I should have made it this far.  I'm in way over my head all the time.  I'm like a monkey trying to land an airplane all through life but I can't let on that I'm struggling in any way.  They think I'm doing well.  They have to think I'm doing well.  I used to see them 4 or 5 times a week but I couldn't keep up the act all of those days anymore.  It's down to me pretending to be ok an hour or 2 a week now.

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11 hours ago, Shy80 said:

I lost my mom three months ago and I am think about her every day. People always tell me, well, I will get over it. It's hard now, but I will get over it. I don't know.

People cannot understand that everyone grieves differently and for the amount of time that they need. I think that depression makes the grieving worse as does having to meet others expectations of how we should react.

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I want to change my name and number and face and move to the dark side of the moon where not a single soul can contact me and I can just rot there and die like the pathetic human that I am. 

Since I can’t do that, I’ll just block everyone from my phone and just hate myself for doing that. I’m so good at running away. Everything is a mess and all I can do is run away. Wish I can run away from my job but i need to pay my rent. Can someone just **** me. 

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I went out for a walk today and this guy kept circling me and looking me up and down and walking very close behind me.  He probably was planning on robbing me or doing something stupid I'm sure but changed his mind.  This is the type of ridiculous things you have to put up with just to go for a walk in this world.

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2 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I went out for a walk today and this guy kept circling me and looking me up and down and walking very close behind me.  He probably was planning on robbing me or doing something stupid I'm sure but changed his mind.  This is the type of ridiculous things you have to put up with just to go for a walk in this world.

That's not good.  Maybe walk with a baseball bat.  If asked say you are going to play ball. 

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50 minutes ago, duck said:

That's not good.  Maybe walk with a baseball bat.  If asked say you are going to play ball. 

If I was a kid I could get away with carrying around a baseball bat.  If you're an adult carrying around a baseball bat everyone thinks you're up to no good.  I become the suspicious person then.  I just want to be left alone.  I don't cause any trouble.  I usually just do my own thing but these types of people always seem to find me.  I say I should stay inside but people like that will not take my freedom from me.  I refuse!

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On 7/25/2019 at 7:11 PM, CoffeeAddict103 said:

A lot better mentally last week or so. I am going to stop talking to people in terms of dating online, too many creepos about. 

So glad you're doing better! Yeah, I had to stop online dating too. I met a guy who tried to drug my drink. Horrible experience. 

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I am so pissed at my mom's side of the family. They don't even call or come over. Well, I have said this before. My dad's side of the family (sister) comes over more than they do. It seems like since my mom died, they would have common sense to check on us. They didn't do anything for her anyways, so they should feel guilty. People ask me sometimes if I have heard from them and I tell them no. They don't care about us. I have to call them, but I need to stop that because they're just playing with my emotions. I guess they feel good if I check on them even though they treated my mom like crap. Excuse me, but I hope they burn in Hell.

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5 hours ago, sober4life said:

If I was a kid I could get away with carrying around a baseball bat.  If you're an adult carrying around a baseball bat everyone thinks you're up to no good.  I become the suspicious person then.  I just want to be left alone.  I don't cause any trouble.  I usually just do my own thing but these types of people always seem to find me.  I say I should stay inside but people like that will not take my freedom from me.  I refuse!

Carry a bat anyways and bust is skull open. You are just protecting yourself.

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Posted (edited)
16 hours ago, Tears_Always said:

People cannot understand that everyone grieves differently and for the amount of time that they need. I think that depression makes the grieving worse as does having to meet others expectations of how we should react.

Since I've been on these mood stabilizers I haven't cried as much, but I think about my mom every single day. I had a dream about her and I knew she was dead, but I don't think she knew. She was just walking around the house and talking like she used to. 

My mom's side of the family and her friends believe I should have gotten over the same day we buried her. They are stupid anyways. 

Edited by Shy80

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4 minutes ago, Shy80 said:

Carry a bat anyways and bust is skull open. You are just protecting yourself.

I don't need a bat.  I can take care of myself just fine without it.  I brought it up not because I was afraid.  I was angry.  I'm tired of these types of people seeking me out in life.  All I'm doing is going for a walk trying to clear my head and this stupid stuff happens.  I don't want to constantly have to be tough all the time with everyone.  I want peace for once.

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8 hours ago, Icy_rose88 said:

So glad you're doing better! Yeah, I had to stop online dating too. I met a guy who tried to drug my drink. Horrible experience. 

Wow I'm so sorry to hear that 😞 whwhat is wrong with some people? I haven't had the guts to meet any men ive come to the conclusion that  i am not physically strong enough to defend myself should something happen. 

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Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Shy80 said:

I am so pissed at my mom's side of the family. They don't even call or come over. Well, I have said this before. My dad's side of the family (sister) comes over more than they do. It seems like since my mom died, they would have common sense to check on us. They didn't do anything for her anyways, so they should feel guilty. People ask me sometimes if I have heard from them and I tell them no. They don't care about us. I have to call them, but I need to stop that because they're just playing with my emotions. I guess they feel good if I check on them even though they treated my mom like crap. Excuse me, but I hope they burn in Hell.

fwiw, your experience is so similar to mine when Dad died.  In fact some of them were downright abusive in the immediate aftermath...then never bothered to check up on me, let alone apologize.  It took a while, but I had to conclude you can't squeeze blood from a turnip.  Despite some brief contact (I initiated) several years ago on another matter, they STILL ignore me.  They, like mine, are showing you who they really are.  If you pay attention to that, it can be a blessing.

tbh, I've found the exact same thing the past year as my elderly birthmother's condition has gone into decline, leaving me to handle it solo.  They're often quick to criticize - from 1,000 miles away - but won't otherwise lift a finger.  I've even had to block a couple of 'em.

Gravitate towards those with whom you find support...and, bluntly, to hell with the rest of 'em.  If they can't/won't check in, or try to make you feel guilty, that's telling you a lot about their problems.  Problems that, imo, neither belong to you and that you don't need right now.  Take as long as you need to grieve.  Do whatever you have to do.  We'll certainly be here for you as much as we can.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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