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How Do You Feel Right Now #10


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4 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Just to show how far down the hole I've fallen: I finally began to clean the apartment last night. I need to have the garbage disposal replaced and the toilet tank is leaking so the landlord will have to come over. My place is a disaster area. I cleaned most of the kitchen and started in on the bathroom. This is stuff I used to normally do as part of my daily life. Now? It takes me weeks to convince myself to do it. Sometimes months.

I have a "who cares?" mindset. Stuff just doesn't matter to me any more.

I used to be that way.  Most of my life I have been that way but now I am on the other end of the spectrum.  My mind runs me ragged all day trying to relieve stress but nothing really works.  It's a manic episode basically.  Tomorrow I will wake up and think wow I mowed the yard.  I don't remember that.  I don't care anymore than you do.  I just have no control at all.  Sitting still is miserable.  I'm an endless pressure cooker ready to boil over.

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Doing better tonight than I did earlier today.  A photo opp came up for which I was the only one available to cover.  Rain made it annoying...but it got me OUTSIDE.  And it was just enuf of a nudge for me to later even do gas and groceries.  Not at all out of the woods, but it helped.

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Had a nice meltdown today, so that was fan-fricking-tastic. This morning my father invited my fiance over because he needed to talk to him and me. My father tried turning me and my fiance against each other since he manipulated an argument to his advantage. I just... I got so frustrated that my father wasn't making any efort to understand me that I just broke down in tears and I'm still feeling it now.  

Worst part is that my mind has already supressed the memory, so I can't even tell you guys what the argument was about. 

I'm just angry.  My father kept trying to get me to see it from his POV but I can't do that, and he refused to even attempt to get a grasp on mine. I know I'm wired a little differently, but it can't be that hard to make sense of "I won' t know I can't do something if I'm not explicitly told", right?

I don't know.  I don't know why I bother.  I only ever just... wanted to be normal.  Have common sense.  It's like... so many people got an instruction book that told them when to talk and what faces mean what and when you're actually suppossed to lie and I never got it.  I never wanted to be a gifted kid. I never wanted to be autistic, though I'm not upset that I am.  I never wanted to be anything special, I just wanted to be a normal kid with a normal life and a normal home and family.  

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I was pretty out of it today.  Watched a bunch of videos on youtube and did some gaming to refocus myself.  I felt crappy so I skipped my workout today which I am glad that I did.  Opting instead to just do some yoga in my room to help me be more aware of myself and my body.

Had a therapy session and my therapist said that I really need to get in touch with my pain.  I am tired of these cycles.  I am making progress towards some of my goals.  Which makes me feel good.  I just need to accept that I can only go so far. 

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1 hour ago, MarkintheDark said:

Woke up this morning, again almost nose-to-nose with Kitty...and that seemed to help my attitude in starting out the day.

He loves you for sure. The Egyptians thought of them as guardians and I think of them that way too. If ever I've been afraid at night it's never been the human that helps, it's ALWAYS been the cat. They calm me down and make me feel safe every time.  Sometimes I wake up in the night and my little one is quite literally wide awake and watching over me :hearts:

 

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4 hours ago, Nightjar said:

He loves you for sure. The Egyptians thought of them as guardians and I think of them that way too. If ever I've been afraid at night it's never been the human that helps, it's ALWAYS been the cat. They calm me down and make me feel safe every time.  Sometimes I wake up in the night and my little one is quite literally wide awake and watching over me :hearts:

 

Yes. Two cats live with me and they've helped me through countless tough times.

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I get to stand up in front of a crowd tonight and admit that I F'd something up. And then explain what should happen, even though it will be wildly unpopular. You can't believe how much I'm looking forward to that sh!t.

I should add that the problem stems from me not being adamant enough when the issue first reared its ugly head. My lack of confidence led to offering a lukewarm response. If I could have just said "no" in the first place...but I have a difficult time doing that.

Edited by JD4010
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“The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.” -Mark Manson

I’ve been thinking about this quote again and suddenly realised it is actually linked to gratitude. Acceptance is actually being grateful for what I already have. And being grateful means in Mark Manson’s quote to actually not desire or expect a more positive experience. Yes we can work for it but if we don’t get it, be grateful for what we do get and accept it, so being grateful is a positive experience. 

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I wish real life was like this place.  Maybe there would be a chance for me then.  In real life I don't expect anyone to ever come here again.  I don't expect to have a friend again.  I don't expect to have a family member that I can trust again.  I don't expect to have a significant other again.  I don't expect to have a pet again.  I expect the animals that are in the yard every day to even get sick of me and leave.

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On 7/23/2019 at 4:10 PM, JD4010 said:

Just to show how far down the hole I've fallen: I finally began to clean the apartment last night.

idk if it's any consolation, JD, but I've just gone three days without a bath, shower or shave and finally got around to it this afternoon.  Like you, that's one of my barometers.  And, welp, we got the tasks done finally.

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I rather just die than stress and worry over having a place to live. Why would a person keep on living when all they do is worry about having a place to live. If I had kids a husband or family that cared about being a family that would be something to fight for. But there is non of that. I know no one wants to here this but I'm putting it out there anyway. 

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Hi everyone. Feeling a bit numb today. Got a few health issues, plus I was studying non-stop on last two days, very few sleeping hours, just to not pass my exam. It sucked, I thought it was fine, they are so severe judging.

 

I decided to quit job in a month after working for more than 4 years on this company, I decided that may be better to relax a bit, things where getting overwhelming lastly. I hope I feel better tomorrow. Feeling a bit lonely too, but on the other hand, I don't want to see anyone.

 

Hugs to you, I hope your day's going better than mine.

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I'm tired. 

I never wanted any of this garbage in my life. I just wanted to be a normal kid with a loving family and have my only worries be my homework, not whether I'm being gaslit or if I'm playing a victim card or if I'm trying to be a decent person or not.

I just want to be happy and to understand people. My therapist says that I point fingers, refuse to acknowledge my own hypocrisy and denial issues, and try to play a victim card and that me being confused and not understanding things is just an excuse so I don't have to learn to be a better person.

I'm nowhere near this complex. I'm just puzzled by things easily. I don't think I'm a bad person just for forgetting minor things or not thinking too far ahead without explicit instructions. Am I? 

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8 hours ago, watalife said:

I rather just die than stress and worry over having a place to live. Why would a person keep on living when all they do is worry about having a place to live. If I had kids a husband or family that cared about being a family that would be something to fight for. But there is non of that. I know no one wants to here this but I'm putting it out there anyway. 

I feel the same way.  Every day seems like a test for me.  Maybe this will make her leave this world.  No that didn't work.  More and more keeps piling on every day.  I said I was ready a long time ago god.  Maybe you weren't listening.  You can take me right now if you want!  I will never have the family I want.  That's the only way for me to be happy and it's never happening so I want out of here right now!

Edited by sober4life
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