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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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4 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Yeah I blow everything in my life to hell over and over again.  I try my best but fail over and over and I'm a disgrace to everyone including myself no matter how much effort I put in.  There are some words that Kurt Cobain sang that were meant for me.  She should have died when she was born.  I'm so disgusted with myself at this point.

Same, except I don't even try and put the effort in anymore. Don't mean to patronise you but you're not a disgrace to anyone here, you've helped me out for a start with your posts. Your story from what I've read breaks my heart, your mum being a constant topic, a pain i have been lucky enough to never experienced.

Me on the ther hand someone has tried to help me these past 2 years and I can't even be nice. It is disgusting. Gave me work and took me away for a week, makes my mum happy and I've destroyed it. And if I have, a May have to die, because I selfishly cannot live with that burden. All week I couldn't be nice, couldn't have fun. It's so sad. And it's all my fault for not taking the pills prescribed to me. I need them.

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Kinda meh this morning.  Got a good, if not completely uninterrupted, night's sleep.  Pleased I did my 4th the way I wanted...which was being the parental presence as Spot's "protector" as the fireworks went off for a few hours.  He hid briefly a couple times, but otherwise sacked out close to me on the bed...where he still remains this morning, quite content with his situation.

All I have of any import is a friend returning from Dubai tomorrow with his family and a few of us crotchety, old, fellow photogs have already staked out positions to catch their arrival.  It was part holiday and part scattering his dad's ashes at a South African game preserve, a special place for his family.  It's been particularly hard on his teenage son.  So, that's a way for us to support them.

I've decided to take the day at leisure.  I briefly started to dig further into discarding stuff from the closets the past few days.  But I'm taking that as the mood strikes.

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13 hours ago, Tears_Always said:

I hope yours is my effective than mine, she did nothing for me and even sent me back to my GP to adjust medications, I stopped going there, I am not paying for nothing.

Mine was pretty good!

Discussed perscriptions for anxiety, sleep and depression.

She didnt want to touch the Effexor, as that seems stable.

Anxiety - she brought up klonazipan, but ruled it out after listening to my past experiences then she asked how weed affected me! Given that it really helped with anxiety and I enjoy playing my piano after a nice toke - that was her recomendation.

Sleep...she asked how the trazadone was working, and suggested I try Seroquil...so ill TRY it...at this point I just need a full nights sleep!!

She also has put through a request to fast track my access to a counsellor...her words, right now you need support not medication.

Overall it left me feeling positive!

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I don’t know..empty as usual. 

Empty, redundant and futile. 

The world..is going to the proverbial dogs..if it went to REAL dogs I wouldn’t mind as they are way better than humans. Haha. Or cats. 

I have no place in this existence. I feel out of joint, both as myself, whoever that is and also out of joint with this world I live in. Don’t know who I am, what I want bla bla. Same old. 

Life has all ways been a scary and pretty pointless state. The future even more so. The past is..well the only good thing going is that the past has gone.

The present sucks, so that doesn’t leave much, does it.

Death is my answer.. Sooner the better.

 

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My insomnia has been raging for a while now but I actually slept fairly well last night, so that's a nice change.  I'm still tired though of course...I'm always tired.  A few days ago I decided to just take the day to stay in bed and try to sleep for as long as possible.  I felt pretty good afterward, though a bit disoriented, and a friend suggested that I try and do that once a week from now on.  It's not like I have anything else to do really, so I might.  

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I badly need some Klonopin before I lose it, anxiety is ******* me... Tried calling my GP today to see if he could prescribe some but he's on vacation until next month, go figure. I guess I could try to find a psychiatrist but there's usually long wait times and here they're very reluctant to prescribe meds in the first place so I doubt that they'll help me, most likely they'd just label me a drug seeker. Haven't taken any in years since I was able to manage my anxiety without it but it's getting to be too much. FML

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Taking it day by day. Seeing how far I have come in such a short amount of time.

Me and my ex-fiance are starting over again. This is momentous for me and a true testament that I'm heading in the wellness direction.

It means a lot to me bc I hurt him big time with my manic episode about ten months ago. I was quite mad in the crazy sense and it scared him. We broke off the wedding and separated and I ended up staying with my mom. I was so low for nearly 8 months after I stabilized with meds and came down off my "high." I was so low that I got SSDI on my first try after I lost my job as well. But my ex kept on reaching out to me even though my shame told me not to bother with him anymore, not after what I did to him. He would come visit me and I was so depressed all I could do was cry. I figured he'd move on and I even begged him to. But he didn't give up on me once he realized that my illness and being off meds drove my behaviors, words, and actions. My family comforted me as well. 

But like a train my life is picking up steam again. I've been mostly stable on my meds for a while now, but my suicidal ideations a few months back (that made me go to a hospital) I believe were not because of a chemical imbalance-induced depression, but actually situational awareness of how I has hit rock bottom once again, and I may never get back up from this. I wanted to die bc I couldn't find an ounce of hope of my past life where it seemed I had everything going for me. 

But little by little, my situation has changed. I moved in with my sister and niece for two months. My mom helped me a lot, but knowing that she is a woman just like me and I could never pay her back was depressing as hell. At least I could help my sister. Then I went out of town with my ex-fiance/now bf and had a great time in the land of the living. Hence after that we started dating again and going to church as we had done for nearly five years before the separation. My life feels like I'm a fish back in the water again. Soon after I got a job that knows about my illness and is working with me plus I got my own apartment again thru my mental health provider, provided I pay my rent, stay on my meds, and go to therapy. A caseworker checks on me 3-5 times a week to see how I'm doing. My family, and even my bf now check on me and want to be involved in my mental health support system as well, which is all I can ask for. I could not ask for a better team in my life. My goal now is to take my stability day by day, and be proud of every small victory I have.

Sorry for the long-winded answer. I just thought I'd never feel hope and goodwill again.

So currently, humbled and happy. 🙂

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13 hours ago, Kogent5 said:

Volunteering is making me feel very incompetent at both what I do there and how I socialize. I'm pushing myself on both fronts but failing miserably. My only friend there who has been volunteering less than a year already is way more trusted and liked than I am. If I can't even handle volunteering, I don't think that bodes well for living a normal life...

At least you are trying. It will get easier.

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45 minutes ago, want_to_try said:

At least you are trying. It will get easier.

I tried volunteering but failed miserably to show up on time, so that was obviously not a good sign. As most jobs that I might have a chance of doing requiring adhering to a schedule I fear the worst. Working from home is not an option as I can hardly motivate myself to get out  of bed. Not even when its really hot! 

I just wish I could get a circle of friends around me and from time to time socialise without pressure.. i guess they all slowly parted ways. I think having friends is a good way forward over everything else but its the hardest thing to accomplish when you  suffer. I occassionally become disassociated too, which can quickly put space between you and everybody

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24 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

there's absolutely no hope for me..

I feel a little that way today too, and I really ’t know what would help me feel better this evening. A thunderstorm and heavy rain might be good for me. Is there  really no hope or are you just not seeing it today, this illness in all its forms can really blind us

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10 minutes ago, Extremebeginner said:

I feel a little that way today too, and I really ’t know what would help me feel better this evening. A thunderstorm and heavy rain might be good for me. Is there  really no hope or are you just not seeing it today, this illness in all its forms can really blind us

none.....decades of going to doctors with absolutely no results....

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I understand, psych docs, therapists, general doctors and psychologists, they provide some relief in some instances but they drain your wallet faster than I thought possible.

my best hopes have only come about by chance and in the last 10 years I can count them on one hand. I thought summer would help me but it hasnt, I’m just hot and uncomfortable. I think i paid for the doctors to be air conditioned though.

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25 minutes ago, Extremebeginner said:

I tried volunteering but failed miserably to show up on time, so that was obviously not a good sign. As most jobs that I might have a chance of doing requiring adhering to a schedule I fear the worst. Working from home is not an option as I can hardly motivate myself to get out  of bed. Not even when its really hot! 

I just wish I could get a circle of friends around me and from time to time socialise without pressure.. i guess they all slowly parted ways. I think having friends is a good way forward over everything else but its the hardest thing to accomplish when you  suffer. I occassionally become disassociated too, which can quickly put space between you and everybody

I don't socialize much unless I have to. I've made too many mistakes in that department. But I keep my circle small and that is all I need. I got a job bc it forces me to show up on time bc I I get a check. Volunteering doesn't give me any incentive to get up either, sadly enough. I'm finding we do need at least one person to comfort us so if you find one don't take person for granted. So find some reason to find that person outside your comfort zone. Even if it is getting up on time.

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1 hour ago, want_to_try said:

I've been there several times. I'm amazed that there are people who still love me. There is hope tho. Hugs.

I've been there several times as well.  People gave up on me a long time ago.  I doubt they ever loved me.  I went out today to socialize with people and I might as well have been invisible.  Time's running out for me.  I can't do this much longer.

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2 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

I badly need some Klonopin before I lose it, anxiety is ******* me... Tried calling my GP today to see if he could prescribe some but he's on vacation until next month, go figure. I guess I could try to find a psychiatrist but there's usually long wait times and here they're very reluctant to prescribe meds in the first place so I doubt that they'll help me, most likely they'd just label me a drug seeker. Haven't taken any in years since I was able to manage my anxiety without it but it's getting to be too much. FML

I feel the same way you do.  If my life continues as is it's only a matter of time until I relapse.  It's day after day after day of waking up to an absolute nightmare!

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2 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I feel the same way you do.  If my life continues as is it's only a matter of time until I relapse.  It's day after day after day of waking up to an absolute nightmare!

The crying shame about klonopin or Clonazepam is that they are very effective for anxiety. The downside is the addiction and it gets you within weeks if not days, and coming off them is nasty. Use them wisely as I am sure you already know. Where to get them without a prescription is tough unless you know your pharmacist real good

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3 minutes ago, Extremebeginner said:

The crying shame about klonopin or Clonazepam is that they are very effective for anxiety. The downside is the addiction and it gets you within weeks if not days, and coming off them is nasty. Use them wisely as I am sure you already know. Where to get them without a prescription is tough unless you know your pharmacist real good

Not too worried about that tbh, I used to be on a very high dose and managed to come off it on my own. Yeah the withdrawal symptoms sucked but it's doable. But yeah, hard to come by if you don't have a doctor who trusts you, too much abuse and too much demand for it on the street. 

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3 hours ago, AloneGuy said:

My insomnia has been raging for a while now but I actually slept fairly well last night, so that's a nice change.  I'm still tired though of course...I'm always tired.  A few days ago I decided to just take the day to stay in bed and try to sleep for as long as possible.  I felt pretty good afterward, though a bit disoriented, and a friend suggested that I try and do that once a week from now on.  It's not like I have anything else to do really, so I might.  

It's great that you recharged. But watch out for sleep bingeing. It's another abnormal rhythm that will keep your sleep cycle off kilter. I'm a firm believer in going to bed and getting up at the same time each day, except not going to bed until sleepy.

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Well I feel pretty good right now which is why I am communicating. The afternoon slump is ending and my energy is coming back. I decided to go off duloxetine and am about halfway through my taper. To be frank, I just couldn't take the weird orgasms anymore! Worst sexual side effect I've had from any AD and I've tried quite a few. So far no withdrawal symptoms so I'm doing something right. Or maybe I will get socked at the end! Been through this before so I know what to expect. Happy weekend everybody!

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