Jump to content
20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

Recommended Posts

7 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Desperate... I'd **** for a hug and someone to tell me that things will be OK but I don't have anyone who'll listen to me, let alone hug me. Last night I spent hours researching different poisons and how they work, my suicidal ideation is getting out of hand. It seems like the only reasonable option at this point 😫 Only thing that keeps me alive for now is that I'm a coward but I expect my life to get much worse soon at which point the pain will be big enough that fear won't be enough to keep me around. 

Am sorry you feel that way :hugs:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Desperate... I'd **** for a hug and someone to tell me that things will be OK but I don't have anyone who'll listen to me, let alone hug me. Last night I spent hours researching different poisons and how they work, my suicidal ideation is getting out of hand. It seems like the only reasonable option at this point 😫 Only thing that keeps me alive for now is that I'm a coward but I expect my life to get much worse soon at which point the pain will be big enough that fear won't be enough to keep me around. 

Hugs, LF!!!!!!  Emphatic ones!!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Going downhill fast it's only a few hours now til when my life changed forever and so much for the worst, the beginning of the worst depression I have ever faced and the one I don't I will ever even sort of recover from. five months since my world ended, five months since my life lost all meaning and five months of being alone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Getting better at being alone.

29 years with some one always there, thats a hard habit to break - even while recognizing the abuse, manipulation and isolation

Have had really good talks with my children...thats a new experience!

Psyc intake/assesment tomorrow...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

My Aunt and my cousins (even the older one who was nice to me) has unfriended my mum on Facebook. They are still friends with my dad which shows it was a personal attack against my mum. It makes me angry seeing my mum upset like that. She looked after those kids when they were younger like they were her own kids, whilst my aunt was busy working all the time. There must be a lot of lies about us spreading in that house for them to do this to my mum. They're favourite aunt who has loved them like her own children. It breaks my heart. She doesn't deserve to be pulled into the mess I've created. 

Edited by Soarsie18

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm beginning to feel strong again because I finally know the way out of this hell.  I'm right up to the fence that's always been blocking everything my whole life from the ground to the sky.  I can see everything I want through that fence but this time there is a door and I'm going through it!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/23/2019 at 4:30 PM, ladysmurf said:

I agree!! Also pushed myself to go for a walk .. 🙂

 

On 6/23/2019 at 11:03 AM, Depressedgurl007 said:

Sometimes, we need to change our expectations of what we think our lives should be. No matter what happens to u, you’re more than the story you think you’re supposed to be. 

Sometimes, not getting something is the best thing that’s ever happened to u, cos the disappointment drives u to find something that’s more important inside of u, or maybe not getting it makes u look for another aspect of your life.

There’s a silver lining somewhere I hope u find it. 

i am with you on that. a lot of times in the past when i wanted something really bad, it hurt me when i couldn't have it.. but then as time went on i realized it was for the best..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I’m feeling better today. Been listening to YouTube videos and learned about how our thoughts are generated. Learned about   RWID: Relative Weight of Importance and Duration. Beginning to be more aware and trying to stop repeating the easy thoughts, and start repeating questions that are most helpful for my life right now. 

Wonder how long this good feeling will last.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

tired. i cried a bit. i dont think i will ever feel any happiness in this lifetime.

I'll never be happy in this world either but my life will be me coming up with wild ideas that I'm sure will work this time but nothing will ever work.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

Relieved that the whirlwind of last week has settled down a bit.

My cat is traumatised because she hasn't had her usual undivided attention from mum. It is kind of insane how much attention my cat needs. I'm back to square one again and thinking she needs a companion cat. I can't stay home 24/7 and when I am home I also have other things to do obviously. She's an attention whore!! 😂

Annoyed with myself for over eating but I understand why, I always do it when there is a bit more stress than I can handle going on 😕

Edited by Nightjar

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
59 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I'll never be happy in this world either but my life will be me coming up with wild ideas that I'm sure will work this time but nothing will ever work.

thats how I am...some days I say keep fighting, but nothing ever changes or works to give me some type or relief. doctors are clueless. it's just misery day after day.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Nightjar said:

Relieved that the whirlwind of last week has settled down a bit.

My cat is traumatised because she hasn't had her usual undivided attention from mum. It is kind of insane how much attention my cat needs. I'm back to square one again and thinking she needs a companion cat. I can't stay home 24/7 and when I am home I also have other things to do obviously. She's an attention whore!! 😂

Annoyed with myself for over eating but I understand why, I always do it when there is a bit more stress than I can handle going on 😕

I had a dog like that.  He had to be with you every second even when you went to the bathroom.  It was too much.  He only liked me and mom though.  He didn't like other dogs or people.  He would flip out every time anyone else was around.  I've been eating too much too.  I have stressful things to do tomorrow and then I will have to go through one of my "famous transformations" and lose 15 pounds the next 3 days after that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

After shooting the SpaceX launch in the middle of the night from one of my favorite venues, I looked at my folders and realized I've been on a photo binge for a week solid, frankly, the whole month.  Welp, that's fine.  A lot of my best work this year (if y'all see a few of the shots in my DF album).

However, combined with the heat, I realized it's worn me out.  It had to be a conscious decision for me to do NOTHING today except rest.  In fact I may extend that another 24.

The whole thing rather surprises me since it's such a contrast with more recent previous years when I've simply shut down from Memorial Day on.  A part of me feels as if I'm trying to grab and hold on to these experiences because I may lose the capacity to engage in these kinds of activities.  There's definitely been some anxiety involved.

Edited by MarkintheDark

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
41 minutes ago, user1492 said:

Had the intake assesment this morning...if it had been a video game id have the high score 😞

Also, when they ask what you do for anxiety, weed is not an accepted answer 😉

 

That's because they give medication.  Any other answer than medication isn't an accepted answer.  The real answer is life is short.  Do whatever helps you get through the impossible day.  The only reason I don't smoke it anymore is because it sends me on eating binges that put on too much weight.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Told my visit I’d come out and have dinner with her and my dad. Feeling too lazy to take the train out there. I wanna cancel but I’d feel guilty. I know she’d be ok if I cancelled, but probably concerned. I don’t want to make her worry. I feel like I do that enough already. We shall see what I do in the hours to come. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, user1492 said:

Also, when they ask what you do for anxiety, weed is not an accepted answer 😉

 

Rats! I'll have to cross that answer off my list then (in spite of the fact that it's the only thing that really works).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

These mood swings are exhausting. I have some work and have been feeling positive last few days on the whole but today hasn't been good. I am never at peace. I am back to the ideation again. Maybe I am just lazy but I can't seem to apply myself. Also being extremely sensitive to people's comments is making me miserable. I never used to be like this. I have an assessment on Thursday. 

Edited by CoffeeAddict103

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

After shooting the SpaceX launch in the middle of the night from one of my favorite venues, I looked at my folders and realized I've been on a photo binge for a week solid, frankly, the whole month.  Welp, that's fine.  A lot of my best work this year (if y'all see a few of the shots in my DF album).

However, combined with the heat, I realized it's worn me out.  It had to be a conscious decision for me to do NOTHING today except rest.  In fact I may extend that another 24.

The whole thing rather surprises me since it's such a contrast with more recent previous years when I've simply shut down from Memorial Day on.  A part of me feels as if I'm trying to grab and hold on to these experiences because I may lose the capacity to engage in these kinds of activities.  There's definitely been some anxiety involved.

I need to be more like you and do the things I enjoy.  Instead I'm putting all kinds of work into the house and property making this place look nice and not for one second do I believe I will be here next year to enjoy any of it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

Rats! I'll have to cross that answer off my list then (in spite of the fact that it's the only thing that really works).

Nah, just add 'because it helps me read' or some positive activity - that makes it ok

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

These mood swings are exhausting. I have some work and have been feeling positive last few days on the whole but today hasn't been good. I am never at peace. I am back to the ideation again. Maybe I am just lazy but I can't seem to apply myself. Also being extremely sensitive to people's comments is making me miserable. I never used to be like this. I have an assessment on Thursday. 

You are not lazy, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves often totally unreasonable pressure.

Beides you have taken steps to get back to applying yourself...your assesment booked for thursday!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, user1492 said:

Nah, just add 'because it helps me read' or some positive activity - that makes it ok

For me it made everything enjoyable.  Maybe I'll use it to deal with the miserable winter when it gets here.  It might be the only way to survive another winter. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...