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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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Trying to confront feelings and reactions to trauma talk. Group helps, but it’s scary. Changing perspective on something that has been ongoing for 14 years now is quite the challenge. I was nervous to talk about it and felt like shutting down this part of myself. So I told the group that I was feeling uneasy with my emotions and I need to combat the part of me urging to suppress. Verbalizing helped me step into those emotions a bit more and (try to) explore them without judgement (self criticism and self judgement for me is like a knee jerk reaction, so automatic). Hearing other people and their experiences/perspectives was helpful. I’m scared to continue, but that glimmer of hope, that faint light at the end of the tunnel is helping me to keep going. I’ll ride that out for as long as I can. 

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I've run the gauntlet of emotions today. I've felt alone, lost and like I miss my family even though I can never be close to them.

Also, very tired, have been running around trying to get house sorted for viewings and driving long distances to see houses. Moving is all consuming I find.

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Posted (edited)

I'm doing something for myself tonight, which is making me feel guilty. My daughter wanted to go to a videogame arcade but I just can't bring myself to do it. Those places are always hot, crowded, loud, and filled with obnoxious constantly flashing lights. They are also expensive. I'll have to tell my daughter "no" because I'm simply not up to it.

She can't get to the arcade on her own because she can't drive with her limited vision. Therefore she needs someone to drive her there. I don't like going to these places even when I'm at my best. I think it would take me right over the edge if I went there tonight.

 

Edited by JD4010

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Had a pretty good session with my therapist.  So, I am somewhat depressurized.

Made myself a nice lunch.  Leftovers for a couple of days.

Glad to be back at work.  Kind of down that I am going to have to stay in my field a while longer.  Going to study for another certification soon.  So I can broaden my current and future horizons.

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3 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I'm doing something for myself tonight, which is making me feel guilty. My daughter wanted to go to a videogame arcade but I just can't bring myself to do it. Those places are always hot, crowded, loud, and filled with obnoxious constantly flashing lights. They are also expensive. I'll have to tell my daughter "no" because I'm simply not up to it.

She can't get to the arcade on her own because she can't drive with her limited vision. Therefore she needs someone to drive her there. I don't like going to these places even when I'm at my best. I think it would take me right over the edge if I went there tonight.

 

I think if you explain to her fully, she should be able to understand. It’s normal to feel guilty, but your emotional and mental health is important too so don’t feel guilty for trying to take care of yourself. Hope all goes well! 

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I agree with you but I know how @JD4010feels.  I run myself into the ground for people over and over.  The guilt eats me up if I don't.  If I need them I won't be able to find them no matter what.  They'll avoid me until they need something again.

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Im feeling terrible cos I’m having PMS cos my period is coming. It’s bad cos it lasts for half the month cos I have both Pre-Menstrual Syndrome and also Post-Menstrual Syndrome. I only feel happy for two weeks (or less) and when PMS comes I fall so low and I hate everyone I see and I argue with my husband and I feel I should just die. 

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Starting to feel less optimistic after sitting with my thoughts for a bit. Took a nap due to mental exhaustion. Woke up and didn’t feel too different. I don’t want to eat even though my stomach is pretty empty. I’m going to stay in bed for the rest of the night. Not sure what I’ll do but I’m done working on myself for the day. I’m burnt out. I’ll start again tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll regain my hope with a new day. Right now the light at the end of the tunnel is extinguishing and it’s too far away for me to refuel it. So I’ll let it go out for the rest of the night.

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Posted (edited)

About as odd a day as I expected.  Another friend showed up to join me and my buddy shooting at dawn.  Not quite all the shots I wanted, but the companionship was worth it for my head.  I'm still surprised I'm going outdoors this late in the season with dew point at 75F/24C.  Did a load of laundry while I processed the pix when I got back...and more relaxing gossip with the neighbor.

Otherwise, felt wiped out and headed back to bed.  Anything after midday felt like a total loss. Have been holding down anxiety attacks all day - even now.  Feels like I'm operating at 50-60%.  Suppose I'll have to write about it more extensively here.  I've been reluctant lately to share some of my deeper sh#t here, so it's festering.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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1 hour ago, MarkintheDark said:

About as odd a day as I expected.  Another friend showed up to join me and my buddy shooting at dawn.  Not quite all the shots I wanted, but the companionship was worth it for my head.  I'm still surprised I'm going outdoors this late in the season with dew point at 75F/24C.  Did a load of laundry while I processed the pix when I got back...and more relaxing gossip with the neighbor.

Otherwise, felt wiped out and headed back to bed.  Anything after midday felt like a total loss. Have been holding down anxiety attacks all day - even now.  Feels like I'm operating at 50-60%.  Suppose I'll have to write about it more extensively here.  I've been reluctant lately to share some of my deeper sh#t here, so it's festering.

Shooting is quite therapeutic.  It is nice to not have to focus on all the crap that seems to happen day in and day out.  

It give you direct feedback about what you are doing.  And builds both confidence and humility.

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3 hours ago, Tears_Always said:

Still wasn't feeling great this morning so didn't go to work. Wish I could crawl in to bed and never get out, or better yet never wake again. (I would never be so lucky.)

Will go to work tomorrow but not really sure what the point is...

Me too tears. I prayed so much yesterday that I didn't have to wake up today, but here i am. 

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On 6/17/2019 at 4:46 AM, sober4life said:

I love you all too.  It takes everything in me to stay in this world at this point.  I want no part of being here anymore.  I hate every moment of my life right now.

Me too.  My life is too much pain and suffering.  I cannot take it much longer. 

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12 hours ago, bellerose said:

Trying to confront feelings and reactions to trauma talk. Group helps, but it’s scary. Changing perspective on something that has been ongoing for 14 years now is quite the challenge. I was nervous to talk about it and felt like shutting down this part of myself. So I told the group that I was feeling uneasy with my emotions and I need to combat the part of me urging to suppress. Verbalizing helped me step into those emotions a bit more and (try to) explore them without judgement (self criticism and self judgement for me is like a knee jerk reaction, so automatic). Hearing other people and their experiences/perspectives was helpful. I’m scared to continue, but that glimmer of hope, that faint light at the end of the tunnel is helping me to keep going. I’ll ride that out for as long as I can. 

Sounds to me like you aced it, BR!  The entire idea.  You spoke from your heart and admitted your nervousness and fear.  WOW.  What an accomplishment in front of non-virtual people, ie. people IRL.  Very, very well done, my dear.  I hope you keep at it and you can develop the skills and courage to confront your pain!!

Big hugs!  I was so happy to read this post!!!  A great accomplishment!!!!

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On 6/18/2019 at 6:06 AM, chucapabra said:

I feel bad. I had intense rumination and crying.

I am tired of bein treated like shit because im unattractive, ugly...

Yesterday I was walking and envoying the sun. When I came back a car drive by and the driver scream at me then drive aways. Back in high school it was a inside joke : the guy would scream in horror when they saw me cuz im ugly. 

The incident from yesterday was one of the same guy from high school. I graduated HS 12 years ago.. that same guy did the same when i was walking back in 2012 too. Can you imagine that same shit go on years after graduating. What is my crime? Being ugly. And I checked the bully fb and like most of my bullies he his pretty succesfull. 

Its weird before walking I was ruminating about the 2012 incident and that sh*t happen yesterday..the worst part is im always wearing my hat n sunglasses plus i gaigned 60pound since HS...

Im really tired of this.

 

What kind a person is still bullying 12 years after high school? A sociopath! I don't care how he looks on fb, guaranteed people hate him. I'm sorry you still have to deal with that turd. No matter how you guage success, at least you are not the type of person who treats others like that.

A lot of people here (myself included) struggle with our looks. I am low-key in love with my volunteer supervisor. He is 20+ years older than me and is the human embodiment of an egg 😀 But he is kind and funny and genuine. Certainly much more attractive than some jerk harrassing people out of his car.

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