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How Do You Feel Right Now #10


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Day ended on an up note.  Stifling heat just kept me bunkered in the a/c until I got a heads up from another photog about an unexpected sunset photo opp.  Actually beat the traffic, got the shot...and even ran into a buddy - yep, another photog - I haven't seen in a couple years.  Kinda made up for the rest of the day.

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didn't sleep last night and I figured I would be a wreck today wasn't as teary as I thought I would be. But wasn't tracking well, got dizzy off and on, and overall felt disassociated with the world. The shoulder that I dislocated in Feb is hurting really bad guess I didn't do enough to keep the strength up in it once I finished physio so now I have to work forward again.

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1 minute ago, Soarsie18 said:

When I'm distracted i'm good. As soon as i'm alone in bed I cry and pray to god that I don't have to live anymore. I don't feel alive anymore. I feel like i'm just waiting for time to go by.

I could talk about my feelings in more detail, like i used to, but i just don't have the energy anymore. I've been looking for a way out and I can't find one. It's all out of my reach, so now i don't even see the point in explaining myself anymore. Nothing could fix me. I'm so stuck I've given up on trying to help myself. Most people can imagine what they want their life to be like in 10 years time. I try and imagine that now, maybe to give myself a reason to keep on living, but I can't. Whenever I try to my mind tells me that I'm lying to myself. That I will just get hurt, and so i shut down again. I don't believe I will make it to my 20ties .

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1 hour ago, Nightjar said:

Well, I've been working hard. A bit too hard, granted but I don't feel too bad. Have a couple of things to do this afternoon but will try to get lots of relaxation in this evening. 

I work very hard too.  Age is catching up to me though.  It's that time in my life where I have to start acting my age.  I work too hard like a work horse when I do work.  If I keep this up I will fall over from a heart attack like most of my family do.  I'm going to start going through life with a different attitude.  Life is short so I'm going to start being more easy on myself.  I have to.

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2 hours ago, Ratvan said:

Released from Hospital today, now sat at home. Beginning the start of my 3 weeks rest and recuperation

bored already

Some of us are very restless.  The idea of 3 weeks rest is impossible for some of us.  There's been plenty of times where I was told I needed bed rest and I never listened.  I couldn't listen.

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19 hours ago, Tears_Always said:

nah you need no come live in the prairies we get heat but next to nothing in humidity.

Yeah, I could see myself in Alberta or Saskatchewan. I sometimes "drive" down highways in those provinces via Google Maps Streetview.

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8 hours ago, Soarsie18 said:

I could talk about my feelings in more detail, like i used to, but i just don't have the energy anymore. I've been looking for a way out and I can't find one. It's all out of my reach, so now i don't even see the point in explaining myself anymore. Nothing could fix me. I'm so stuck I've given up on trying to help myself. Most people can imagine what they want their life to be like in 10 years time. I try and imagine that now, maybe to give myself a reason to keep on living, but I can't. Whenever I try to my mind tells me that I'm lying to myself. That I will just get hurt, and so i shut down again. I don't believe I will make it to my 20ties .

Damn. I'm sorry.

I'm sure you're weary of people telling you that you are still young and that there's a whole life ahead of you. But from the vantage point of a guy turning 60 soon, it seems true.

I'm the world's biggest pessimist, but even I know that something good could come along and change everything around for you. It could happen, and it very likely will happen.

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11 minutes ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

I cannot control my moods swings. Anything sets me off, then I'm possessed. I don't know what has got hold of me.

I've been constant mood swings the whole time I've been alive.  I've never been in control.  It's like I'm strapped into an amusement park ride.  I just have to hope it doesn't crash.

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

Damn. I'm sorry.

I'm sure you're weary of people telling you that you are still young and that there's a whole life ahead of you. But from the vantage point of a guy turning 60 soon, it seems true.

I'm the world's biggest pessimist, but even I know that something good could come along and change everything around for you. It could happen, and it very likely will happen.

Thank you. That means a lot. The problem is i'm very sure of what I want to do. And at the moment I can't see that working out, ever. I can't see that I will be able to get over it. It hurts so much and I just feel so useless. I've never felt like this before and it scares me. 

And even though something good could come along, everyday life is so painful I don't know how long I can put up with it.

Edited by Soarsie18
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4 hours ago, Soarsie18 said:

at the moment I can't see that working out, ever. I can't see that I will be able to get over it. It hurts so much and I just feel so useless. I've never felt like this before and it scares me. 

Why won't it work out? Don't believe everything your depression tells you. Life can be scary. I'm old and I'm still scared of life.

One day at a time, one baby step at a time and breathe when the fear (depression) tries to take over. You are strong! 

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Defeated... I ****ed up and ruined my life, again... Basically I'm down to two choices, end it or sell everything of value and move to another country to try to get some breathing room and buy myself some more time to work things out. I'm leaning toward the former, I don't think I have enough fight left to try to start over again now that I'm almost 38, what's the point anyway? Nevermind that it would be a struggle for survival, I don't need this, not for a life that isn't worth living to begin with. 

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