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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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1 hour ago, chucapabra said:

I feel bad. I had intense rumination and crying.

I am tired of bein treated like shit because im unattractive, ugly...

Yesterday I was walking and envoying the sun. When I came back a car drive by and the driver scream at me then drive aways. Back in high school it was a inside joke : the guy would scream in horror when they saw me cuz im ugly. 

The incident from yesterday was one of the same guy from high school. I graduated HS 12 years ago.. that same guy did the same when i was walking back in 2012 too. Can you imagine that same shit go on years after graduating. What is my crime? Being ugly. And I checked the bully fb and like most of my bullies he his pretty succesfull. 

Its weird before walking I was ruminating about the 2012 incident and that sh*t happen yesterday..the worst part is im always wearing my hat n sunglasses plus i gaigned 60pound since HS...

Im really tired of this.

 

Don't believe everything you see on facebook.  Everyone is happy and successful on there.  The site is garbage.  People like him will use those sites to make people think his life is wonderful.

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Posted (edited)
16 hours ago, sober4life said:

I want you to be happy no matter what it takes.  I'll never be happy again.  I say I'm happy here from time to time and say I'm doing better from time to time mainly so people don't worry about me.  I'm never happy though never.

Of course I/we want you to be happy as well, no matter what it takes.

I had my sights set higher for many years but now I've lowered them. The disappointment of not being able to achieve what I wanted to do was tearing me up. Now, I look forward to the peaceful time with my cats right before bed. That is what keeps me going.

Edited by JD4010

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54 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Of course I/we want you to be happy as well, no matter what it takes.

I had my sights set higher for many years but now I've lowered them. The disappointment of not being able to achieve what I wanted to do was tearing me up. Now, I look forward to the peaceful time with my cats right before bed. That is what keeps me going.

I understand how you feel.  I love pets too.  It's like having children to take care of which is wonderful but I need more than that.  I need to also have someone that loves me in this world.  Pets heal half of my broken heart but not the whole heart.  I need to find someone to settle down with as well.  At this point my life depends on finding that person.

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Posted (edited)

I need a new identity or need to move to a different state where I haven't worked at every single retail or food establishment.  Or  i could sell everything and hit the streets. Or become someone slave. I like working but it's the worst part of my life. I was born to work and that's just stupid. Come on afterlife or non existence.  Whatever it is.

 

 

 

Edited by watalife

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Welp, don't like that the monthly injections take me down for a couple of days, but perhaps after 2½ years of this I'm finally learning just to take it in stride, write off those days and chill.  Even then, I'm still kinda surprised how easy it is for me to sleep in six-hour increments every few hours.  Whatever it takes, I suppose.

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15 minutes ago, watalife said:

I need a new identity or need to move to a different state where I haven't worked at every single retail or food establishment.  Or  i could sell everything and hit the streets. Or become someone slave. I like working but it's the worst part of my life. I was born to work and that's just stupid. Come on afterlife or non existence.  Whatever it is.

 

 

 

Yes. There ought to be more to life than work. But most of us are "wage slaves" and one pay check or short hospital stay away from homelessness. I know I am. Gotta stay on the hamster wheel to avoid sleeping on some sidewalk in the dead of winter.

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3 hours ago, watalife said:

I need a new identity or need to move to a different state where I haven't worked at every single retail or food establishment.  Or  i could sell everything and hit the streets. Or become someone slave. I like working but it's the worst part of my life. I was born to work and that's just stupid. Come on afterlife or non existence.  Whatever it is.

 

 

 

Most of my life has been so awful I've had the thoughts of needing a new identity and starting over somewhere else.  I fantasize about faking my death and resurfacing somewhere clear across the world and this is supposed to be life?

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48 minutes ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

Was in the best mood all year all day. An arguement with a family member shouting and screaming at me ruined that. My own family think I'm loopy. I walked the streets in heavy rain even took my jacket off. I have no where else to go but don't want to live here anymore. 

I know how you feel.  I would be perfectly happy if it wasn't for family!  I know how much it hurts to not even have family on your side.

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Calmer than I was earlier.  I am really trying to get a lot of old anger out.  Being angry at the past really does not help in the present.  

I have spent too much time looking back when there is not likely anything else for me to learn from looking back.

Mad at myself for doing so.  Angry at myself for not taking enough right chances.

Grateful that most of the people I woek with are decent.

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My work where I am now... better than the last job but not great. I'm in a job where it feels like i have deal w/ clients and have to deal w/ other people's shit. i realized some people i get are always angry ppl and will treat you like dirt. There are many times I deal with situations it is well out of control and people want a solution to what they want when really i can't do anything. I feel that is where the job is draining, and i feel I can do better with my life than this. No one want to work in a place where the same issues are about cleaning someone's mess.  

I know i am not a happy person. I am lonely and most of the days i feel friendless no one i can just talk to and laugh with. Thinking about it makes me sad. I feel I will die with no one to go to my funeral.  i imagine if i were to die, it will be a nice place . die like a rock star scenario.

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5 hours ago, sober4life said:

Most of my life has been so awful I've had the thoughts of needing a new identity and starting over somewhere else.  I fantasize about faking my death and resurfacing somewhere clear across the world and this is supposed to be life?

Why fake death. Just leave a note and say I'm moving on to find myself. Lol

 

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Didn't go in to work today headache was too close to migraine territory to risk it. Instead took a bunch of painkillers and slept til noon. Took more meds and had a nap mid-afternoon. More painkillers before bed and hopefully it will go away in the night.

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On 6/16/2019 at 10:23 PM, PraiseBrownies said:

At this point half my personality is just me being conflicted.  My head will flip back and forth from "my life sucks" and "I'm so blessed."  Or it'll flip between "my parents are abusive i have to leave soon" to "what if i never leave what if they're not as bad as i think"

I guess it's good that lots of people help snap me back to reality. The reality that it's tough and confusing and conflicting but I'm going to make it through okay. 

Right?

"conflicted"

Yeah, that's about it for us depressives, I think.  That's what I often am, too.

In my case, what my illness most does to me is makes me doubt how I actually feel about others.  Is it just because I am depressed?  Maybe they are not a cancer on my life?  Maybe it's just me, over-reacting?

I hate, most, the inability I have, especially when down,  to trust my true, sober instincts, clouded, as they are by depression, anxiety and the associated self loathing.

I'm 54 and still trying to figure out how I feel, when not submerged under the cloud and distortion of depression.

I say all this just to say:  I don't know what your parents are doing to you.  They may very well be abusive and a negative force in your life.  You will make it through, but only if you can find a way, perhaps with the help of a wise person, to make a judgment in your soul, without the depression talking, as to what their influence is doing to you.  I hope you can get there.  None of us need to endure abuse - be it from family, or anyone else.  We are better off alone and with DF and new friends who are true!

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Posted (edited)

Hopeful for the day, even if it's starting out oddly.

Glad I've made full use of a couple days to recover from the monthly injections' side effects. (And, heck, even managed gas, filling the tires, putting yard waste and trash on the curb.)  I'm still nowhere near 100%, but committed to a photog friend to do a predawn/dawn shoot this morning.  The light, weather and our venue are perfect.  There's a large cup of 7-11 coffee waiting for me.  We've previously shared our respective health issues with each other - he's a brain cancer survivor - and I'll probably fill him in on my surgery next month...and my post-op fears.

My sleep patterns were all over the place the past couple days which is why I'm up so damn early.  Took a long bath to relax myself.  Even at that, decided that coming on DF was preferable to tossing in bed with my head.  I just didn't like where my paranoia was going.  I've certainly been better than I am right now and I feel draggy at this hour, but these li'l steps will have to do.  I'm about a moment at a time this morning.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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46 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I feel like I've been run over by a truck but it doesn't matter whatsoever.  There's important things I have to do today.  The world doesn't care how I feel.

Hope you get your important things done today and have some energy left to appreciate that thare are people that care

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5 hours ago, Extremebeginner said:

Hope you get your important things done today and have some energy left to appreciate that thare are people that care

I know the people here care about me.  I love everyone here.  This place is my only safe happy place on earth right now.  I would do anything for the people here.:hugs:

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My friends are living their best lives and meanwhile my brain is falling apart.

I know people tend to only tell you the good things in their life and stuff like that, but there are limits. I guarantee none of them would trade places with me.

I'm just done with life. Everytime I try or things seem to be improving, something unexpectedly bad happens and it's like getting pushed off a tightrope.

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