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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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Taking care physically.  This morning was my monthly draw plus injections.  I was uncharacteristically out of it.  Giving myself the usual 48 to recover from getting a month's worth of meds in one sitting.

However, it was like my NP was a telepath.  How's my mom, he asked.  He knows the whole story and I proudly stated I "assumed" ok since I'd had no contact since January.  He's well-acquainted with mild/moderate dementia, among other things, and mentioned he was surprised she hadn't nevertheless attempted contact.  I was able to respond that, in the immediate aftermath of my hospitalization last fall, I didn't hear anything at all from her for a month, not even a hospital visit that first week.  Kinda reinforced the notion with which I've struggled that, no, it's not ME.

Continuing his mind-reading abilities, he asked about the lesions.  I told him about my anxiety concerning next month's surgery.  He believes recovery will be about a week and I'll have access to proper pain management, despite the opiod panic.  I've learned in the past eight years his judgment is usually solid.

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5 hours ago, BeyondWeary said:

Sorry to hear that the change in hours makes in harder on you. Can you request your old hours back? It is just awful that change can be so hard with depression since life is hard enough already. Hang in there with us.

I wish I could get the old hours back but because I'm so flexible and will always say yes, the director put me on afternoons so she can use me to sub in the mornings. I have caller id, so maybe I won't, maybe I will answer. My passive- aggressive self definitely will  make several appearances this summer. On the plus side, I have decided to look for another job.

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Better than earlier. Still feel rundown, but I've barely slept the last two days so that's expected. I also have a short fuse and anxiety because I'm running in empty. But I've mostly cooled off, and I'm just watching TV and talking to a friend and trying to relax. It was supposed to rain today but it hasn't happened yet. Crossing my fingers it will stay nice until I get the dog out (she's currently hiding/sleeping in the bathroom aka her lair).

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22 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm in more pain than I've ever been in.  I hope I never see anyone again at this point.  I need to go back to hiding away again.  

Oh damn. I don't like the sound of that one bit. I'll keep reading through the messages in this thread to see if you're feeling better...

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15 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Well...I guess not. I'm sorry my friend. I know how you feel of course...but I'm here to coax you along.

I want you to be happy no matter what it takes.  I'll never be happy again.  I say I'm happy here from time to time and say I'm doing better from time to time mainly so people don't worry about me.  I'm never happy though never.

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9 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Taking care physically.  This morning was my monthly draw plus injections.  I was uncharacteristically out of it.  Giving myself the usual 48 to recover from getting a month's worth of meds in one sitting.

However, it was like my NP was a telepath.  How's my mom, he asked.  He knows the whole story and I proudly stated I "assumed" ok since I'd had no contact since January.  He's well-acquainted with mild/moderate dementia, among other things, and mentioned he was surprised she hadn't nevertheless attempted contact.  I was able to respond that, in the immediate aftermath of my hospitalization last fall, I didn't hear anything at all from her for a month, not even a hospital visit that first week.  Kinda reinforced the notion with which I've struggled that, no, it's not ME.

Continuing his mind-reading abilities, he asked about the lesions.  I told him about my anxiety concerning next month's surgery.  He believes recovery will be about a week and I'll have access to proper pain management, despite the opiod panic.  I've learned in the past eight years his judgment is usually solid.

Despite being sad to hear about your health issues and complications lately, it seems like you have a solid medical support team, which is such a rarity in this world. I hope everything settles down and you'll have be able to relax a bit.

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10 minutes ago, Kogent5 said:

Despite being sad to hear about your health issues and complications lately, it seems like you have a solid medical support team, which is such a rarity in this world. I hope everything settles down and you'll have be able to relax a bit.

Appreciate the sentiment.  The "normal" (for me) health issues I've mostly taken in stride over the years.  Actually, I've taken them in stride more than the depression/anxiety...which is weird.  But, no, I don't like the "new" one.  Thx.

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7 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

Appreciate the sentiment.  The "normal" (for me) health issues I've mostly taken in stride over the years.  Actually, I've taken them in stride more than the depression/anxiety...which is weird.  But, no, I don't like the "new" one.  Thx.

What's the new one?

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Sober, I surely hope this is just a dark stormy cloud hanging over you to make you feel this low. Your friends are still here to support you however we can, we  love you, stay with us and show us how you can be a strong resilient person.🤗❤️🤗

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20 minutes ago, Extremebeginner said:

Sober, I surely hope this is just a dark stormy cloud hanging over you to make you feel this low. Your friends are still here to support you however we can, we  love you, stay with us and show us how you can be a strong resilient person.🤗❤️🤗

Right now I'm doing what I have to to cut out toxic family from my life.  3 weeks is how long it will take to cut them all out of my life.  This isn't going to be easy.  That's a big reason I'm such a train wreck lately.  3 weeks from now things should be better.  Honestly I'm tired of looking down the road my whole life and saying things will be better then.  I'm tired of having to be strong and resilient.  I'm a person that has been through a 40 year war and I'm tired of it.

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I feel bad. I had intense rumination and crying.

I am tired of bein treated like shit because im unattractive, ugly...

Yesterday I was walking and envoying the sun. When I came back a car drive by and the driver scream at me then drive aways. Back in high school it was a inside joke : the guy would scream in horror when they saw me cuz im ugly. 

The incident from yesterday was one of the same guy from high school. I graduated HS 12 years ago.. that same guy did the same when i was walking back in 2012 too. Can you imagine that same shit go on years after graduating. What is my crime? Being ugly. And I checked the bully fb and like most of my bullies he his pretty succesfull. 

Its weird before walking I was ruminating about the 2012 incident and that sh*t happen yesterday..the worst part is im always wearing my hat n sunglasses plus i gaigned 60pound since HS...

Im really tired of this.

 

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