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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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I kept it together and did pretty well today.  You know I have a pretty big heart and it's completely broken.  The last thing I needed was to have a fathers day that I had to survive.  Mom and I were very very close my whole adult life so it destroys me completely how things have gone with family.  You might as well say I have none now because nobody is family like I need them.  I can't take this anymore!

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At this point half my personality is just me being conflicted.  My head will flip back and forth from "my life sucks" and "I'm so blessed."  Or it'll flip between "my parents are abusive i have to leave soon" to "what if i never leave what if they're not as bad as i think"

I guess it's good that lots of people help snap me back to reality. The reality that it's tough and confusing and conflicting but I'm going to make it through okay. 

Right?

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Glad I got to spend some time with my dad.  

Glad that I am going back to work. 

Really unhappy with my life.  I am tired of my boring line of work and of living in this fake town.  At least the state I live in still has a lot of liberties.

I am disappointed in myself for my stagnation.  I have been learning a few things from work.  And I get to work on big projects but I am not satisfied.  The pay is good at least.

 

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1 hour ago, PraiseBrownies said:

At this point half my personality is just me being conflicted.  My head will flip back and forth from "my life sucks" and "I'm so blessed."  Or it'll flip between "my parents are abusive i have to leave soon" to "what if i never leave what if they're not as bad as i think"

You're describing the thought processes uncomfortably familiar to most of us.  That's to say, it's particularly difficult for many of us to find the middle ground in our heads.

It's a daily issue for me.  It's such a relief to have good days, my inclination is to put on the rose colored glasses.  And bad days are, well, REALLY bad.  Best I've been able to do is to at least have some awareness of my thoughts and when it's my depression speaking.  tbh, that may not necessarily help what I'm FEELING at the moment.  I sometimes have to content myself with just being aware of the thoughts.

Quite often the thoughts have to do with the past or the future, too.  Believe me, I go through plenty of that bounce.  Lots of material.  idk if this is helpful - it's barely PG - but I heard a saying, "One foot in yesterday, one foot in tomorrow, p*ss all over today."

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Had a decent day, even if it was a struggle to stay in the moment.

Did what I could to honor my dad, who's been gone for almost 34 years.  I was able to stick a toe in the past, but decided not to wade in.  Next month's surgery is on my mind and it's been hard to detour around it, particularly how/if the post-op pain will be managed.  Nevertheless, enjoyed things like the rain all day that kept Spot inside curled up with me whenever/wherever he could.

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On 6/15/2019 at 2:43 PM, sober4life said:

I hate that my mental illness forces me to lie to everyone I know.  I'll never be honest with any of them or be honest with anyone in real life about how I'm feeling again.  I could be on fire and I would grit my teeth and say I'm fine with the most fake smile of all time.

So both of us are eccedentesiast's

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3 hours ago, Rattler6 said:

Glad I got to spend some time with my dad.  

Glad that I am going back to work. 

Really unhappy with my life.  I am tired of my boring line of work and of living in this fake town.  At least the state I live in still has a lot of liberties.

I am disappointed in myself for my stagnation.  I have been learning a few things from work.  And I get to work on big projects but I am not satisfied.  The pay is good at least.

 

I read somewhere happiness come when we find a purpose for our lives.  I am trying to find mine.

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5 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm in more pain than I've ever been in.  I hope I never see anyone again at this point.  I need to go back to hiding away again.  

We love you Sober.  You are an awesome person.

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2 hours ago, duck said:

We love you Sober.  You are an awesome person.

I love you all too.  It takes everything in me to stay in this world at this point.  I want no part of being here anymore.  I hate every moment of my life right now.

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@sober4life, That is what my life has been about forever. You put it into words that I would not. The one time I did try to tell friends in high school what was going,  well you know the end result of that.. Lesson learned .... never ever gain let them see me cry, hide it all away, trust no one and if anyone asks how ya doing, lie,lie,lie. I tell the therapist if I was laying on the floor, blood and guts everywhere and you asked how are you, my response would be doing good.  Love you Sober!❤️:hugs:

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Right now, I do not want to get up and do anything. I do have an eye appt this morning. then I have to go to work. Not happy because my hours were changed with no input from me. I worked 7am -2 pm. I liked those hours. I had time to do things before the panic overtook and i fled to safety. Now I'm scheduled 12 -6. I feel lost, no time to do anything even in the house. And certain parents take advantage of us and arrive late and allowed to get away with being late repeatedly. My sleep will suffer and I will feel crappy every day. And when I feel crappy, i either shut down totally or I become someone I don't like.

Thanks Friends for just listening.

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34 minutes ago, nojoy said:

@sober4life, That is what my life has been about forever. You put it into words that I would not. The one time I did try to tell friends in high school what was going,  well you know the end result of that.. Lesson learned .... never ever gain let them see me cry, hide it all away, trust no one and if anyone asks how ya doing, lie,lie,lie. I tell the therapist if I was laying on the floor, blood and guts everywhere and you asked how are you, my response would be doing good.  Love you Sober!❤️:hugs:

I lie lie lie to everyone including the therapist.  There are no exceptions in my life.  There isn't any person in real life I can ever trust again.  There's no chance I will open up to a therapist like that.  I guarantee you in the rest of my life if I ever here someone say the word help to me that's the last moment they will be in my life.  Nobody wants to help me with anything.  They are trying to put my mind at ease so they can fool me.

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Saw my hernia surgeon and now I'm waiting to have an ultrasound done this morning. Will basically be a full examination of the groin area. What's even stranger about this is the person who does the exams is my neighbor. I guess what they are going to be looking for is to see if the mesh has become loose, what it could be pinching or rubbing against, or what nerves are trapped around the mesh.

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28 minutes ago, roadking02 said:

Saw my hernia surgeon and now I'm waiting to have an ultrasound done this morning. Will basically be a full examination of the groin area. What's even stranger about this is the person who does the exams is my neighbor. I guess what they are going to be looking for is to see if the mesh has become loose, what it could be pinching or rubbing against, or what nerves are trapped around the mesh.

That's how life seems to go.  We can't get any break from this.  It could be anyone on earth doing the exam but god put your neighbor in this situation so now every time you see the neighbor this is going to be your first thought.  Something similar happened to me before when I was young.  One of my best friend's parents at the time had to do an exam on me down there because she was a nurse.  I've tried to avoid her the rest of my life since that day.  I hope everything goes well.  You've been through total hell.  I want you to have some peace and happiness in this life.

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6 hours ago, nojoy said:

Right now, I do not want to get up and do anything. I do have an eye appt this morning. then I have to go to work. Not happy because my hours were changed with no input from me. I worked 7am -2 pm. I liked those hours. I had time to do things before the panic overtook and i fled to safety. Now I'm scheduled 12 -6. I feel lost, no time to do anything even in the house. And certain parents take advantage of us and arrive late and allowed to get away with being late repeatedly. My sleep will suffer and I will feel crappy every day. And when I feel crappy, i either shut down totally or I become someone I don't like.

Thanks Friends for just listening.

Sorry to hear that the change in hours makes in harder on you. Can you request your old hours back? It is just awful that change can be so hard with depression since life is hard enough already. Hang in there with us.

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