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How Do You Feel Right Now #10


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9 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Taking care physically.  This morning was my monthly draw plus injections.  I was uncharacteristically out of it.  Giving myself the usual 48 to recover from getting a month's worth of meds in one sitting.

However, it was like my NP was a telepath.  How's my mom, he asked.  He knows the whole story and I proudly stated I "assumed" ok since I'd had no contact since January.  He's well-acquainted with mild/moderate dementia, among other things, and mentioned he was surprised she hadn't nevertheless attempted contact.  I was able to respond that, in the immediate aftermath of my hospitalization last fall, I didn't hear anything at all from her for a month, not even a hospital visit that first week.  Kinda reinforced the notion with which I've struggled that, no, it's not ME.

Continuing his mind-reading abilities, he asked about the lesions.  I told him about my anxiety concerning next month's surgery.  He believes recovery will be about a week and I'll have access to proper pain management, despite the opiod panic.  I've learned in the past eight years his judgment is usually solid.

Despite being sad to hear about your health issues and complications lately, it seems like you have a solid medical support team, which is such a rarity in this world. I hope everything settles down and you'll have be able to relax a bit.

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10 minutes ago, Kogent5 said:

Despite being sad to hear about your health issues and complications lately, it seems like you have a solid medical support team, which is such a rarity in this world. I hope everything settles down and you'll have be able to relax a bit.

Appreciate the sentiment.  The "normal" (for me) health issues I've mostly taken in stride over the years.  Actually, I've taken them in stride more than the depression/anxiety...which is weird.  But, no, I don't like the "new" one.  Thx.

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7 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

Appreciate the sentiment.  The "normal" (for me) health issues I've mostly taken in stride over the years.  Actually, I've taken them in stride more than the depression/anxiety...which is weird.  But, no, I don't like the "new" one.  Thx.

What's the new one?

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20 minutes ago, Extremebeginner said:

Sober, I surely hope this is just a dark stormy cloud hanging over you to make you feel this low. Your friends are still here to support you however we can, we  love you, stay with us and show us how you can be a strong resilient person.🤗❤️🤗

Right now I'm doing what I have to to cut out toxic family from my life.  3 weeks is how long it will take to cut them all out of my life.  This isn't going to be easy.  That's a big reason I'm such a train wreck lately.  3 weeks from now things should be better.  Honestly I'm tired of looking down the road my whole life and saying things will be better then.  I'm tired of having to be strong and resilient.  I'm a person that has been through a 40 year war and I'm tired of it.

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I feel bad. I had intense rumination and crying.

I am tired of bein treated like shit because im unattractive, ugly...

Yesterday I was walking and envoying the sun. When I came back a car drive by and the driver scream at me then drive aways. Back in high school it was a inside joke : the guy would scream in horror when they saw me cuz im ugly. 

The incident from yesterday was one of the same guy from high school. I graduated HS 12 years ago.. that same guy did the same when i was walking back in 2012 too. Can you imagine that same shit go on years after graduating. What is my crime? Being ugly. And I checked the bully fb and like most of my bullies he his pretty succesfull. 

Its weird before walking I was ruminating about the 2012 incident and that sh*t happen yesterday..the worst part is im always wearing my hat n sunglasses plus i gaigned 60pound since HS...

Im really tired of this.

 

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1 hour ago, chucapabra said:

I feel bad. I had intense rumination and crying.

I am tired of bein treated like shit because im unattractive, ugly...

Yesterday I was walking and envoying the sun. When I came back a car drive by and the driver scream at me then drive aways. Back in high school it was a inside joke : the guy would scream in horror when they saw me cuz im ugly. 

The incident from yesterday was one of the same guy from high school. I graduated HS 12 years ago.. that same guy did the same when i was walking back in 2012 too. Can you imagine that same shit go on years after graduating. What is my crime? Being ugly. And I checked the bully fb and like most of my bullies he his pretty succesfull. 

Its weird before walking I was ruminating about the 2012 incident and that sh*t happen yesterday..the worst part is im always wearing my hat n sunglasses plus i gaigned 60pound since HS...

Im really tired of this.

 

Don't believe everything you see on facebook.  Everyone is happy and successful on there.  The site is garbage.  People like him will use those sites to make people think his life is wonderful.

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16 hours ago, sober4life said:

I want you to be happy no matter what it takes.  I'll never be happy again.  I say I'm happy here from time to time and say I'm doing better from time to time mainly so people don't worry about me.  I'm never happy though never.

Of course I/we want you to be happy as well, no matter what it takes.

I had my sights set higher for many years but now I've lowered them. The disappointment of not being able to achieve what I wanted to do was tearing me up. Now, I look forward to the peaceful time with my cats right before bed. That is what keeps me going.

Edited by JD4010
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54 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Of course I/we want you to be happy as well, no matter what it takes.

I had my sights set higher for many years but now I've lowered them. The disappointment of not being able to achieve what I wanted to do was tearing me up. Now, I look forward to the peaceful time with my cats right before bed. That is what keeps me going.

I understand how you feel.  I love pets too.  It's like having children to take care of which is wonderful but I need more than that.  I need to also have someone that loves me in this world.  Pets heal half of my broken heart but not the whole heart.  I need to find someone to settle down with as well.  At this point my life depends on finding that person.

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I need a new identity or need to move to a different state where I haven't worked at every single retail or food establishment.  Or  i could sell everything and hit the streets. Or become someone slave. I like working but it's the worst part of my life. I was born to work and that's just stupid. Come on afterlife or non existence.  Whatever it is.

 

 

 

Edited by watalife
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Welp, don't like that the monthly injections take me down for a couple of days, but perhaps after 2½ years of this I'm finally learning just to take it in stride, write off those days and chill.  Even then, I'm still kinda surprised how easy it is for me to sleep in six-hour increments every few hours.  Whatever it takes, I suppose.

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15 minutes ago, watalife said:

I need a new identity or need to move to a different state where I haven't worked at every single retail or food establishment.  Or  i could sell everything and hit the streets. Or become someone slave. I like working but it's the worst part of my life. I was born to work and that's just stupid. Come on afterlife or non existence.  Whatever it is.

 

 

 

Yes. There ought to be more to life than work. But most of us are "wage slaves" and one pay check or short hospital stay away from homelessness. I know I am. Gotta stay on the hamster wheel to avoid sleeping on some sidewalk in the dead of winter.

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3 hours ago, watalife said:

I need a new identity or need to move to a different state where I haven't worked at every single retail or food establishment.  Or  i could sell everything and hit the streets. Or become someone slave. I like working but it's the worst part of my life. I was born to work and that's just stupid. Come on afterlife or non existence.  Whatever it is.

 

 

 

Most of my life has been so awful I've had the thoughts of needing a new identity and starting over somewhere else.  I fantasize about faking my death and resurfacing somewhere clear across the world and this is supposed to be life?

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48 minutes ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

Was in the best mood all year all day. An arguement with a family member shouting and screaming at me ruined that. My own family think I'm loopy. I walked the streets in heavy rain even took my jacket off. I have no where else to go but don't want to live here anymore. 

I know how you feel.  I would be perfectly happy if it wasn't for family!  I know how much it hurts to not even have family on your side.

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