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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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47 minutes ago, Kogent5 said:

Today a piece of broken wood from our fence was placed at our front steps. At this point I'm finding this obsessive. I know they're kids but it makes my skin crawl.

Hi Kogent. You and I are going through something similar at the moment. I can relate to feeling so harassed it makes your skin crawl.  Home is supposed to be our safe space and when it is interfered with it's an awful kind of stress. I feel the same as you do, much better when I'm away from home. I'm planning to leave.. I've never experienced so much hassle at my home before. 

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My landlord/neighbor/friend noticed it yesterday afternoon when he came over.  "You look like you're not feeling well."  I have to admit, despite this week's accomplishments, I've become progressively run down.

Today I feel like sh*t.  I guess I'd call it malaise.  I'd tentatively indicated I'd meet up with a friend this morning, but I'm not up to it.  As usual, our plans are usually fluid anyway.  We go on with or without each other...fortunately.  And he understands my medical challenges.

Didn't sleep well.  Body's achy and tired.  And the rain comes and goes.  Headed back to bed, as I should.

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I'm very run down from all the work I've been doing.  I took care of everything on the list yesterday and every time I do I'm too stupid to realize my mind will just come up another stupid list the next day.  My mind never lets me rest ever the whole time I'm awake and then I go to sleep to nightmares.

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Why am I so deeply insecure that I want even people I can't stand to think well of me? Wouldn't the wisest course be to not care what people think of me (beyond those you are close to of course)? Like, who the hell are they? Why can't I get over a latent childhood sense of inferiority? What do I have to do?

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I hate that my mental illness forces me to lie to everyone I know.  I'll never be honest with any of them or be honest with anyone in real life about how I'm feeling again.  I could be on fire and I would grit my teeth and say I'm fine with the most fake smile of all time.

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Posted (edited)

It's apparent I really need to take care this weekend.  Physically, for some reason, I'm completely wiped out which, despite us being full-on summer heat/humidity, kinda surprises me.  My activity levels have been remarkably good the past few months.  I haven't felt this badly in a while.

My numbers kinda unexpectedly tanked last month, but I keep in mind that's only one month's result.  Monday morning is my next draw and injections.

I'm gonna obviously have to watch my head, too, and where it might go.  idk that it was smart, but I started to research my post-op recovery protocols for surgery late next month and I'm not at all encouraged.  In many ways, it looks like my recovery from the hospital last fall.  I'm gonna have to lean hard on others.  At least I have time to prepare this time.

At the moment I'm determined to get out and shoot for at least a little while with my photog friends tomorrow.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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Pretty decent. Saw Avengers Endgame for the second time. Had some good food today. I'm feeling a little nauseous since I get carsick but it'll pass. I get to eat sushi tomorrow too, it's my favorite. I'm just burned out from being outside and energetic for so long, but I don't feel bad by any means. 

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15 minutes ago, Devlinkyla said:

Resly want to know what the point in trying anymore is

Its hard to figure that one out. I’m feeling the same today,, and dont know what to do. I hope knowing that others around you helps give you some energy to at least get a good nights sleep, hugs

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1 hour ago, Devlinkyla said:

Really lonely today I haven’t felt this sad in awhile 

I hear you for me everyday is alone and lonely, I often feel that I am existing on some other plane than everyone else. It does not seem to matter what I do I am unable to connect with anyone else. when people talk about friends here I feel jealous that they have such things and I do not.

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On 6/14/2019 at 4:48 AM, nothing_man said:

Hello there, I'm feeling... not wanting to go to sleep. It's almost 6 AM here, still up. Could be bad. On the other hand, I'm not punishing myself with rough thoughts, although sometimes I have this sudden thoughts of not existing anymore, life is pretty empty for me right now, the only things that keeps me going is some hope... that things will be better in the future. I always try to remember that I should not complain... there're people going through harder things that my psychological stuff. I hope you're doing good.

Hi NM.  First, welcome!!!  Glad you're here but wished you didn't feel a need to be!

This post sounds to me like guilt.  "my psychological stuff is not a real, valid, form of hurt.

Well, truth is, it is.  Very real.  And the biggest killer of youth around the world!

Please stop comparing yourself to others "worse off."  You, and I, and the others on here are confronted with the true horror of depression and other mental illnesses.  These are very real.  And they are not our fault!

They can be treated, and we can achieve peace of mind.  But, for me the first step is not to feel guilty about it being "only something in my brain."

Would a liver cancer patient say, "heck, it's only something in my liver cells?"

Hugs to you.  Your pain is valid!!!!

 

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11 hours ago, evalynn said:

Why am I so deeply insecure that I want even people I can't stand to think well of me? Wouldn't the wisest course be to not care what people think of me (beyond those you are close to of course)? Like, who the hell are they? Why can't I get over a latent childhood sense of inferiority? What do I have to do?

You sound like me, in this post LOL!

The answer is yes, that would be the wisest course.  And not only that, the only course, the self loving course that says "I matter more than anything some other flawed human being thinks of me."

Who TF are they, anyway? 

They will die like the rest of us, so, by definition, they are not gods who can pass judgment.  They do not own your soul.  You do!!

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Posted (edited)

Can we truly be happy in this world? Can we ever be content? Can our desires really make us happy? What we have right now can easily be taken away from us. So why do we bother? I hate it when my mind starts asking what’s the point of all this. There is no point. None. Zero. Zilch. Stop thinking. Just stop. I can stare for hours into empty space just having these thoughts running in my head. Then end up hating myself and hating my life. As usual. Just stop. 

Edited by Depressedgurl007

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