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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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1 hour ago, Soarsie18 said:

me too, I won’t be going to the prom. I’m so glad to get the hell out of there and to never have to see those people again and be reminded of the painful memories

I'm with you there!  I did go to my senior prom and had a terrible time.  I looked at all my classmates and even then I thought about how silly it all was.  As for reunions -- what a JOKE.  I NEVER want to see any of those people again.  And the 2 that I would want to see again I've lost touch with. 

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Posted (edited)
43 minutes ago, sober4life said:

First thing in the morning drinkers with chainsaws that's who's helping me with the trees.  I should be worried or care but I don't.  Maybe I'll join them.

When I was at my absolute worst, I had to cut a good sized pine tree down in my former back yard. We'd had a huge storm full of wet, heavy snow and lots of wind...all of that weight broke the tree in half so it had to come down. I loved that tree so having to bring it down depressed me to the point of despair. I just couldn't get up the heart to do it. But I had to. I bought a liter of liquid courage and drank myself to the point of black out.

I (apparently) did a good job of tying the tree tightly to another tree to make sure it fell in the right direction (rather than on the house or garage). I then used my big old chainsaw to bring it down. I don't remember performing the task but my ex watched me the whole time. She had no idea I was bombed out of my gourd and was working in a blackout.

I look back at that and wonder how the heck I survived to tell the story.

Edited by JD4010

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I feel almost OK today...got a huge project at work finalized this morning. I can now relax a little. I have another report to write this afternoon but it will be a relative cinch compared to finishing the big project.

Still trying to set my sights low enough that I'm not constantly disappointed in life.

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

I think it is possible, if not in a general way, but specifically.  Nobody is happy all the time.  What would be our purpose here on earth if some of that purpose were not how to get through the day?????????????????  (Aughhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!)

Anyway, the best I can do for myself is take pleasure in small things--like a beautiful day, or a full moon.  I've often rued the fact that I can't string all my happy moments together into a continuum with the momentum to create more happy moments all the time.  Instead, I have to pluck those moments from memory, and be conscious of new happy moments as they happen.  (And they don't happen all the time.)  I think there's a term for this . . . ?  "Mindfulness," maybe?  Eckhart Tolle proponent?  

Thinking of you, and wishing you at least one moment of happiness. 

Happiness is not meant for everyone...life happens..things happen...life isn't fair..

I understand what you are saying but not everyone can enjoy even those small things like a beautiful day, or the sun or a full moon.. the painful reality of this illness does not allow all of us to feel any relief or joy in this lifetime.

Edited by ladysmurf

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3 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Yet more neighbours ignoring me today. It may or may not be personal this time but c'mon humanity, can't you see I'm all alone here? Say hello FFS 😔

I'm so sick of my neighborhood. Awful children, parents who just let them loose and don't care where they are or what they're doing, dog owners who let their untrained dogs out unleashed, no one cares about anyone.

Sometimes (often lately) I go sit in a park on the opposite side of the city and it's crazy how peaceful it is, how respectful people are to each other, despite it being just outside of downtown and me being way out in the suburbs.

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10 hours ago, duck said:

I really dislike those type of issues.  It's a pain in the butt.

Thanks, duck. I'm trying to keep things in perspective, but it's hard when my body is reacting at a 10/10 while my mind is saying "stop freaking out". I am very confused.

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3 hours ago, JD4010 said:

When I was at my absolute worst, I had to cut a good sized pine tree down in my former back yard. We'd had a huge storm full of wet, heavy snow and lots of wind...all of that weight broke the tree in half so it had to come down. I loved that tree so having to bring it down depressed me to the point of despair. I just couldn't get up the heart to do it. But I had to. I bought a liter of liquid courage and drank myself to the point of black out.

I (apparently) did a good job of tying the tree tightly to another tree to make sure it fell in the right direction (rather than on the house or garage). I then used my big old chainsaw to bring it down. I don't remember performing the task but my ex watched me the whole time. She had no idea I was bombed out of my gourd and was working in a blackout.

I look back at that and wonder how the heck I survived to tell the story.

Yeah every time I worked hard I had to be drinking like mowing the yard.  I'd drink a case of beer by the time I was done and wake up the next day and say wow someone mowed the yard!

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Posted (edited)

Feeling yeeeeeuuuurch. Really yuk.

Really sick of being unable to communicate my feelings to any person in my real life. I really wanted to talk to my dad tonight about all of the crap I'm going through. But I couldn't. Not because I wouldn't but because I know that I would be dismissed.

The subject would be made light of, changed and dropped when I'm struggling like hell and need support.  

 

Edited by Nightjar

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26 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

Feeling yeeeeeuuuurch. Really yuk.

Really sick of being unable to communicate my feelings to any person in my real life. I really wanted to talk to my dad tonight about all of the crap I'm going through. But I couldn't. Not because I wouldn't but because I know that I would be dismissed.

The subject would be made light of, changed and dropped when I'm struggling like hell and need support.  

 

It sounds the same as when I open up to my dad.  I'm a very emotional person constantly ready to boil over with emotions and he's never had emotions so talking to him about my feelings works about as well as trying to learn Spanish from a monkey.

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Depression about my awful home situation is back. No hopes of emancipation or change until I'm 18. It's close,  just a year and two months, yet so depressingly far. 

My parents don't even trust me.  I'm just seen as a burden. I'm too autistic to be normal but too normal for my parents to actually be kind to me. I'm emotionally mature and yet still act like a child who can't keep her movements in check. 

I know none of that is true per se, but it's just a repeating reality here.

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5 hours ago, Kogent5 said:

I'm so sick of my neighborhood. Awful children, parents who just let them loose and don't care where they are or what they're doing, dog owners who let their untrained dogs out unleashed, no one cares about anyone.

Sometimes (often lately) I go sit in a park on the opposite side of the city and it's crazy how peaceful it is, how respectful people are to each other, despite it being just outside of downtown and me being way out in the suburbs.

It’s terrible when there are irresponsible leaders in the neighbourhood. People should be educated on responsibility and respect, Teachers should educate from young, government should advertise social courtesy on tv and social media. It’s sad when people are not educated. If I were there I’d be a shut in my whole life. 

Hope you get as much peace as possible.

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3 hours ago, Tears_Always said:

@Soarsie18 sorry to tell you vet school will have exams too. But enjoy your break and time off.

If I do get into vet school it'll be a dream come true. I'm starting to loose hope. I feel like this break that I'm on will never end.

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Exams are over. My time in Cardiff re-sitting A levels is now over. I don't know how to feel. I'm not ready to move on in life. I have little hope that I will get into university this time. I don't know what to do with myself and I'm scared. 2 months on my own at home, no distractions with work this time. I'm scared that I will start thinking again. I need to find a new distraction now. I just hope that it works. 

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The worst thing is everyone expects me to be happy now that exams are over, to be celebrating. But celebrating what ? months on my own with no future to look forward to. No friends to hang out with. I feel scared. I'm pretending to be happy but really I am so scared. I've never been so scared in my life. 

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10 hours ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

It’s terrible when there are irresponsible leaders in the neighbourhood. People should be educated on responsibility and respect, Teachers should educate from young, government should advertise social courtesy on tv and social media. It’s sad when people are not educated. If I were there I’d be a shut in my whole life. 

Hope you get as much peace as possible.

Thank you!

Today a piece of broken wood from our fence was placed at our front steps. At this point I'm finding this obsessive. I know they're kids but it makes my skin crawl.

10 hours ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

Still having very low motivation and concentration to do anything. Pushing myself to just get up and bathe and maybe sweep and mop the floor or something.. a friend asked me out today but why do I still feel this way.. 

Sometimes you just need days where you don't do anything. You're going through a lot so it makes sense to still be adjusting and not at your best. If it's an ongoing issue, I'll set a timer for 15 minutes and do as much chores as I can in that time. A little bit is better than nothing.

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