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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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32 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Damn! That sucks, my friend. I know how the dance goes when you're interested in somebody but they try to shrug you off. I've been in that situation too many times. That's why I stick with cats.

I've decided I'm going to be OK with my hermit life and chronic destitution. I don't fit into the mainstream of society and never will. I'm going to embrace my weirdo nature. To hell with everyone else.

I don't fit in anywhere in society.  I've been the strangest person in every room I've ever been in so I suppose it's like some ridiculous comedy for that person to think they can have a normal life.  I'm so far off from the other people in the room I might as well be dressed as a mascot or in some animal suit.

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Always on edge and never relaxed. The last month I have developed a seemingly quite severe sexual complex where I am completely paranoid and sex itself weirds me out and seeing other people get intimate on the television makes me uncomfortable. I know this to be completely irrational, but it's on my mind 24/7 and I can't relax or do anything without thinking about it. 

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Sad. In the store today and passed by the baby section. Realized that I will never know what the last grandchild will be when born in Sept. 

Then worse because it also occurred to me that I will never see the other grandkids for their birthdays or Christmas.

 

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This too shall pass. I know. I know. I joined a meetup group recently and went for a meetup with strangers. They made a WhatsApp chat group (it’s a common chat app used by everyone in my country). And now they keep asking me to join them for meetups and I feel terrible to turn them down but I’m really don’t Want to meet them anymore. I just Want to spend my life at home alone.

I hate this feeling really it makes me hate myself. I got another meetup I agreed to go for today after work and I really don’t look forward to it cos I actually have other plans but I’m only going cos I feel guilty that I’ve turned them down so many times. I’m a terrible person I don’t know what to do.

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1 hour ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

Always on edge and never relaxed. The last month I have developed a seemingly quite severe sexual complex where I am completely paranoid and sex itself weirds me out and seeing other people get intimate on the television makes me uncomfortable. I know this to be completely irrational, but it's on my mind 24/7 and I can't relax or do anything without thinking about it. 

Maybe you were abused.  I didn't remember I was abused as a child until I was in my 30s and then everything came back full force.

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1 hour ago, nojoy said:

Sad. In the store today and passed by the baby section. Realized that I will never know what the last grandchild will be when born in Sept. 

Then worse because it also occurred to me that I will never see the other grandkids for their birthdays or Christmas.

 

I probably missed something, but what's happening that will keep you from seeing grandkids?

Sorry if you already explained it.

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16 minutes ago, APFSDS said:

What's with insomnia striking when I least "need" it?😬
Feeling annoyed.

Agreed.  Being up for 72 hours is not fun.  Last time I was up more than 48 hours I almost had a car crash.  But I was in a manual transmission car that I had been driving for 10 years and only had a scuffed tire and got yelled at by the police.  And I drove over 1000 miles. 

Hope you get some sleep.

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I'm not really sure how I feel.  I had a fantastic day at my internship and I got to see my fiance today. But my fiance and I made the poor decision of sex instead of giving each other emotional support that we really needed due to the past few days being terrible for both of us. So I'm sore, and feel kind of empty and still depressed, but it wasn't all awful since my day was decent and the sex wasn't bad or anything.

I guess I feel... empty?  Kind of numb?  Hello depression, welcome back, stay for a while since you always do.

You'd think that with me working towards my dream career path and having a wonderful fiance and being on summer break that I'd actually be doing great.  I'm not. I almost feel guilty about it.

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Empty might be the best word or maybe neutral, before my life fell apart in January I was thinking that I deserved more than moments of fleeting happiness that I only got from him. Since then I think I have come to understand that if I am lucky I will have moments of happiness, but mostly that I should just be content when I am not crying and in the depth of despair. I have also come to accept that my shoulder will never completely heal right and that I am going to have some pain in it for the rest of my life. If I didn't wake in the morning maybe then I would be okay.

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7 hours ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

Always on edge and never relaxed. The last month I have developed a seemingly quite severe sexual complex where I am completely paranoid and sex itself weirds me out and seeing other people get intimate on the television makes me uncomfortable. I know this to be completely irrational, but it's on my mind 24/7 and I can't relax or do anything without thinking about it. 

Sounds like an obsession (i.e., anxiety). I love caffeine, too, but it really pushes the anxiety.

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So, how am I doing. Not bad, which is probably why I am bothering to write. Evening is always my "normal" time when the world seems manageable. It has been super-hot around here and I've got all the windows open and skunk musk is blowing in, which I normally detest, but I'll take the cooler air and deal with it.

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Posted (edited)
29 minutes ago, Tears_Always said:

Empty might be the best word or maybe neutral, before my life fell apart in January I was thinking that I deserved more than moments of fleeting happiness that I only got from him. Since then I think I have come to understand that if I am lucky I will have moments of happiness, but mostly that I should just be content when I am not crying and in the depth of despair. I have also come to accept that my shoulder will never completely heal right and that I am going to have some pain in it for the rest of my life. If I didn't wake in the morning maybe then I would be okay.

Sounds counterintuitive, but I have to agree with you on feeling neutral.  After six months of total [email protected] being laid on me, it was a relief.  I'm now a couple months into it.  These days I avoid putting myself in situations...often despite others' wishes/demands.

If anything, I've been learning to go REAL easy on myself.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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11 hours ago, JD4010 said:

How are things going now? I hope you are feeling better.

I've had two chest tubes inserted because of collapsed lung. The first time was without anaesthetic. That was one helluva experience. The second time, they dosed me with Versid just before shoving the damn thing between my ribs. At least I don't remember it going in. 

Feeling so much better this morning, it's like I didn't even realise how much I could not breathe in. 

Yeah had without anaesthetic as well, otherwise would have to wait hours for an anesthesiologist. Didn't really hurt all things considered. Quick Iodine wipe and "please lean against me sir", jab, turn on tap and done

It was worse coming out, dont think the nurse had done that before

Just the "pop" sound when it went in and the smell and sight of what came out.

Worse then a Protein Skimmer in a Reef Tank 🤢

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On 6/10/2019 at 3:39 AM, Ratvan said:

Anything you want to talk/rant/vent about?

I can show you what I'm eating in Hospital if that makes you feel better?

Haha.  I don't mind hospital food.  It's supposed to be healthy.  😁

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3 hours ago, Hertz said:

Like I'm enduring life. Like every new experience is an addition to the bucket list.

How long is your bucket list?  Mine is so long it is takes up several blocks. 

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Just now, duck said:

Haha.  I don't mind hospital food.  It's supposed to be healthy.  😁

I ordered take out 😄

The NHS is amazing, the catering does let it down, but with all teh allergies, religions and Vegans, Veggies etc around I can see why they have to make everything Bland 

Gorgeous Vietnamese place round the corner from the Hospital, working my way down the menu

Just been re evuating my Bucket list.

 

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11 hours ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

Always on edge and never relaxed. The last month I have developed a seemingly quite severe sexual complex where I am completely paranoid and sex itself weirds me out and seeing other people get intimate on the television makes me uncomfortable. I know this to be completely irrational, but it's on my mind 24/7 and I can't relax or do anything without thinking about it. 

I am guessing your body has become sensitized.  I happens to me sometimes.

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3 minutes ago, Ratvan said:

I ordered take out 😄

The NHS is amazing, the catering does let it down, but with all teh allergies, religions and Vegans, Veggies etc around I can see why they have to make everything Bland 

Gorgeous Vietnamese place round the corner from the Hospital, working my way down the menu

Just been re evuating my Bucket list.

 

I just came home.  It's 2:30 am my time.  I am about seven hours behind you.

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11 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Me too, brother. Why does everything have to be such a damned struggle??

One of the main reasons is because the people in charge hire friends and family who are clueless.

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5 minutes ago, duck said:

I just came home.  It's 2:30 am my time.  I am about seven hours behind you.

What you been up to? Work late shifts?

Desperately trying to get work to run my laptop and dongle to me, I feel like things are out of my control and i dont like it

Not allowed a Fish 😞

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