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How Do You Feel Right Now #10


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I have to deal with people and they will drain me and make me sick and ask me questions like when are you going to find someone to settle down with.  I won't drink but every single night will be a huge test.  I'll probably come close to checking out every night because of the things "family" will say to me.  Sounds like fun.  I'm really not sure what is keeping me from going to see mom at this point.  Maybe I'm just stupid.

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Yes I'm not sure what happened to this world but there has been a big shift in this world in my lifetime.  The bad guy used to be the standout in the crowd.  You used to be safe leaving your house.  You could leave your doors unlocked and trust your neighbors but now the good guy is the standout.  The world has become like a dangerous jungle and I'm not sure I want to be a part of this anymore.

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Tired, but I'm gonna respect that about my body/mind.

Good afternoon outside yesterday with a few buddies, but the heat did take a bit of a toll.

Nevertheless, today decided to wrap up what I could concerning a nasty, vendictive administrator who completely ditched protocol (and me, when I objected) concerning a medical referral to a specialist.  I'm filing a grievance, but also wanted a face-to-face with someone further up the food chain.  The meeting went well - I channeled my inner Spock - my primary point being that she had deliberately ignored my PCP's orders and actively interfered with my ability to seek proper medical treatment. 

We mapped out a way for me to go on the record with the organization to hold her responsible and, at the same time, confirm the pre-authorization - that I now have in hand - for the specialist which she'd tried to hide from everyone (including the specialist's office).

Rewarded myself with a Subway sammy.  But that was a lot of stuff for me  over two days.  I'm headed for bed...and some Netflix.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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On 5/23/2019 at 10:26 AM, JD4010 said:

Everyone is excited around here because the summer heat and humidity has kicked in. I'm the lone holdout. To me, summer means sweat, mosquitoes (lots and lots of them), and foot fungus. I spend as much time indoors with the AC blasting as I can. I won't want to be outside much until mid-September.

Summer sux

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On 5/23/2019 at 11:42 AM, Kogent5 said:

All my good feelings of the past couple months have unraveled and I am distraught. Welp 😦

Once again triggered by contact with friends. Someone tell me again how socialization helps with depression...

I get this 100%.....I socialize at work, and do get out of the apartment (not agoraphobic at all), but over the last eight years, I have slowly come to prefer being alone most of the time.

Like my hero George Carlin once said:

“You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get past around a minute, minute-and-a-half, I gotta get the f*** outta there.”


― George Carlin, It's Bad for Ya

 

:smilingteeth:

Seriously, though, I'm sorry about the stressful episode with your friends, Kogent5...

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18 hours ago, highanxiety said:

My main support comes from these forums and a friend in California going through the same thing.  Depression does not register with my other friends let alone family.

Yup, same here...I have several long distance friends that give me more support in twice-monthly phone calls/text chats than I've ever gotten from so-called "family" or local friends..

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5 hours ago, Tilted said:

Here we go, another brutal holiday weekend.

Yup...I am off today, but will be at work Sat, Sun and Monday dealing with a bunch of overweight, entitled, spoiled, ignorant American jagoffs...

Because we all know that Memorial Day is all about stuffing our faces and getting drunk...:huh::Oo:

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On 5/21/2019 at 8:19 PM, sober4life said:

I never get over losing people I love.  The grief just piles up and up and creates a mountain of misery that crushes me into the ground.

I'm so sorry, Sober, for your most recent loss and for every other loss you've ever experienced.  😰

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3 minutes ago, womanofthelight said:

I'm so sorry, Sober, for your most recent loss and for every other loss you've ever experienced.  😰

I'm sorry for all the pain you're going through too.  I'm very fragile right now.  I did just get mom's memory tree and plant it.  It's funny how life works I was sitting on the couch very close to exiting this world and I looked out the window and saw a box stuffed in my mailbox.  The way my life has been I figured it was a bomb but it turned out to be the memory tree.

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18 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

@CoffeeAddict103 yes, we live in an ugly society. The primary drivers are greed, narcissism, and violence, with a lot of sex thrown in. I exist on the far periphery of it. If I could, I'd escape somewhere desolate forever.

Yes like on the movie The Martian he had it perfect.  He could have stayed that far away but decided I have to get back to earth.  Why would anyone do that?  He had it made.

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I'm kinda bored right now, waiting for hubby to get home. My hubby! So different but sooooo very nice to finally say that word.

I worked from home today which was a nice change but boring as heck! I actually may prefer the office to working from home. Working from home is very isolating. I need to be around people, I've learned. It was unhealthy for me after a while. 

What else? How I am feeling right now? Great, considering it's TGIF Friday and a long weekend ahead. Yippppeeee. 

 

 

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2 hours ago, LonelyHiker said:

I get this 100%.....I socialize at work, and do get out of the apartment (not agoraphobic at all), but over the last eight years, I have slowly come to prefer being alone most of the time.

Like my hero George Carlin once said:

“You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get past around a minute, minute-and-a-half, I gotta get the f*** outta there.”


― George Carlin, It's Bad for Ya

 

:smilingteeth:

Seriously, though, I'm sorry about the stressful episode with your friends, Kogent5...

Thank you. Honestly, I'm so grateful for all the supportive replies from my DF peeps this week. Like truly, it has kept me from a complete breakdown.

Man, I'm only 32 and at Carlin-level misanthropy 😅 I feel the same though. I've become less socially anxious as I've gotten older but I just want to be alone 90% of the time. I do wish there was someone who I wouldn't mind hanging out with all day. Haven't had that since high school.

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For me I don't want to be alone.  I hate it but I don't have any choice.  First of all I know people will hurt me because that's what people do and it's been years since anyone has shown any interest in me.  When I walk in the room I might as well be a ghost because nobody sees me in the room.

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

For me I don't want to be alone.  I hate it but I don't have any choice.  First of all I know people will hurt me because that's what people do and it's been years since anyone has shown any interest in me.  When I walk in the room I might as well be a ghost because nobody sees me in the room.

If I was 55 I could access the supported living system, kind of like a condo, you all have your own place but a community room to socialise///// You look after yourself which is cool.

I actually was with two friends today but still felt really alone. I cannot explain that other than I am deliberately sabotaging myself

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9 minutes ago, Extremebeginner said:

If I was 55 I could access the supported living system, kind of like a condo, you all have your own place but a community room to socialise///// You look after yourself which is cool.

I actually was with two friends today but still felt really alone. I cannot explain that other than I am deliberately sabotaging myself

Saturday Sunday and Monday I will be with family and I will feel alone the whole time.  If they saw me today this would be my last day posting because they would probably stuff me away somewhere that would "help".  Nobody in real life has given me a reason to stay in this world since mom has passed away.  They haven't given me one word of genuine support through any of this.  If I would die I think the best reaction would be someone shrugging their shoulders and making some grunting sound.  I doubt I will ever have friends again in real life if I'm being honest.  I also lost all the weight and take care of myself and dress nice and treat people nice.  It hasn't made a bit of difference with attracting someone out there none.

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Just now, sober4life said:

Saturday Sunday and Monday I will be with family and I will feel alone the whole time.

Please tell me if I'm missing something, sober, but is there a reason you MUST be with them all three days?  Or at all?  Obviously it causes you distress.  Are there other choices?

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17 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

Please tell me if I'm missing something, sober, but is there a reason you MUST be with them all three days?  Or at all?  Obviously it causes you distress.  Are there other choices?

It's different parts of the family all 3 days that I have to pretend to be ok for.  Do I have to no but if I don't they might come here and see me on days like today.

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9 hours ago, sober4life said:

I have to deal with people and they will drain me and make me sick and ask me questions like when are you going to find someone to settle down with.  I won't drink but every single night will be a huge test.  I'll probably come close to checking out every night because of the things "family" will say to me.  Sounds like fun.  I'm really not sure what is keeping me from going to see mom at this point.  Maybe I'm just stupid.

Sometimes I get this too 😞 My dad especially, he tells me I should get married soon and that I won't be young forever, yeah like I don't know this. We have really different views on this. I'd like to get married if I'm in love and know for sure this is the person I want, not because time is running out. Besides, I think love can start at any age. I'm not too worried about having kids. It's not really what I want anyway.

edit: I think he's just worried about me not being able to take care of myself, yet he says I'm codependent. Wouldn't that be the same thing? If I married now for convenience, it wouldn't make my situation better. I would just be repeating the same old story as my mom did, and she suffered a lot so no thanks.

Edited by EL85
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35 minutes ago, EL85 said:

Sometimes I get this too 😞 My dad especially, he tells me I should get married soon and that I won't be young forever, yeah like I don't know this. We have really different views on this. I'd like to get married if I'm in love and know for sure this is the person I want, not because time is running out. Besides, I think love can start at any age. I'm not too worried about having kids. It's not really what I want anyway.

edit: I think he's just worried about me not being able to take care of myself, yet he says I'm codependent. Wouldn't that be the same thing? If I married now for convenience, it wouldn't make my situation better. I would just be repeating the same old story as my mom did, and she suffered a lot so no thanks.

Yes I want to get married to someone I love for sure.  I do want to have kids more than anything probably.  I cry about it every single day.  It's just taking it's toll on me right now.  My mom was the best mom ever.  I could talk to her about anything.  We were always together and were best friends.  We did everything together.  Now I have nobody to talk to about anything ever.  I'm afraid of everyone.  I don't trust anyone.  I have no safe place on earth not even here at the house.  Somehow I'm supposed to keep my sanity when this is probably what it's going to be forever.

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20 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Rambling's good.  I'm an expert. 😉 I concur with @salparadise6132, too.

From this side of the screen, it sounds like you're also facing some challenges on your personal space, figuratively and literally.  Not only do you have a new T to break in, your physical space was violated.  Make no mistake, imo, those ARE big deals, particularly for people like us.

idk if this is useful, but my friends come in all flavors, plus they can come and go.  I've become a li'l more picky in my old age, too.  My energy is limited.  If someone's sucking the energy outta me, I don't really care if it's Kylie Minogue.  I'm outta there.

I may make an exception for Kylie Minoque, my friend.  LOL.  

But, then again, not.  No one is worthy of me who brings me down.

Also, just got to say, you and I are old buggers referencing Kylie Minogue!!!!  But, dang, she was cute. Not as cute for me as the girl in The Bangles who sang Manic Monday, but there you go... 🙂

 

 

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8 hours ago, LonelyHiker said:

I get this 100%.....I socialize at work, and do get out of the apartment (not agoraphobic at all), but over the last eight years, I have slowly come to prefer being alone most of the time.

Like my hero George Carlin once said:

“You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get past around a minute, minute-and-a-half, I gotta get the f*** outta there.”


― George Carlin, It's Bad for Ya

 

:smilingteeth:

Seriously, though, I'm sorry about the stressful episode with your friends, Kogent5...

LOL

I am with ya, my friend.  George Carlin is my hero too!!!!

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4 hours ago, sober4life said:

Yes I want to get married to someone I love for sure.  I do want to have kids more than anything probably.  I cry about it every single day.  It's just taking it's toll on me right now.  My mom was the best mom ever.  I could talk to her about anything.  We were always together and were best friends.  We did everything together.  Now I have nobody to talk to about anything ever.  I'm afraid of everyone.  I don't trust anyone.  I have no safe place on earth not even here at the house.  Somehow I'm supposed to keep my sanity when this is probably what it's going to be forever.

My mom is like my best friend too. I can't imagine what I would do without her so I feel for you. We didn't always get along though. During those times I would do things that brought me joy. Are there any hobbies you like? 

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Just a bit lost today..nothing new there. I stayed in yesterday and recouped a bit. I know I must push myself today and face my fear of being judged. I'm going to put my best foot forward and head to town. I have hayfever so I'm going to look something like this 😷which isn't my best look but I can't let this fear rule my life. 

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