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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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Starting to worry that I may be losing a friend but I made a promise to myself  years ago that I wouldn't change for other people to fit in their box, and if they don't like me fine. That's not to say I should act intolerable or try to improve my behaviour if I think it needs it in certain situations.

I was getting a bit sick of the sh***y remarks that would normally go over my head but aren't anymore. I seem to be hyper sensitive. I am trying to live in the moment. 

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4 minutes ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

Starting to worry that I may be losing a friend but I made a promise to myself  years ago that I wouldn't change for other people to fit in their box, and if they don't like me fine. That's not to say I should act intolerable or try to improve my behaviour if I think it needs it in certain situations.

I was getting a bit sick of the sh***y remarks that would normally go over my head but aren't anymore. I seem to be hyper sensitive. I am trying to live in the moment. 

That sounds like a positive step forwards. Your putting yourself first, and there's nothing wrong with being sensitive, we're all sensitive in ur own way and there's only so much you can put up with. 

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2 minutes ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

I made a promise to myself  years ago that I wouldn't change for other people to fit in their box, and if they don't like me fine.

I've done similarly over the years.  They're simply not worth the energy required to keep jumping from one leg to the other.  My philosophy has become that, if they're not doing it to me, they'll just go do it to someone else.  Phine.

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I am always myself in life no matter what but that creates a lonely life.  People will say be yourself and that's the road to happiness and a better life because they assume everyone must fit in somewhere but they don't think of people like me that are so far off they fit in nowhere.

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Posted (edited)
20 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I am always myself in life no matter what but that creates a lonely life.  People will say be yourself and that's the road to happiness and a better life because they assume everyone must fit in somewhere but they don't think of people like me that are so far off they fit in nowhere.

I feel the same way at times sober. All of my old friends no longer are in contact with me so maybe it is me. I thought I was quite a good friend, I was loyal I like trying to make people laugh I am always there at their lowest or when they face hardships so I won't pretend it doesn't sting.

When I was 18 I had quite a big circle but in the end I dropped all of them because I realised they were just asses. It was all about egos and showing off I have not got time for that. And there's a lot of people like that around especially in the workplace. I don't think I'd be like that even if I was a multi billionaire and had a super model wife, it's just not me. I did meet people who respected me and I was a lot happier for it.  

 

Edited by CoffeeAddict103

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16 minutes ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

I feel the same way at times sober. All of my old friends no longer are in contact with me so maybe it is me. I thought I was quite a good friend, I was loyal I like trying to make people laugh I am always there at their lowest or when they face hardships so I won't pretend it doesn't sting.

When I was 18 I had quite a big circle but in the end I dropped all of them because I realised they were just asses. It was all about egos and showing off I have not got time for that. And there's a lot of people like that around especially in the workplace. I don't think I'd be like that even if I was a multi billionaire and had a super model wife, it's just not me. I did meet people who respected me and I was a lot happier for it.  

 

I used to have a lot of friends myself.  I lost the last of my friends the day I got sober and tried to help them.  They wanted no part of that and cut me off immediately and now many of them have passed away.  I think I am a good friend but I'm unlike most people.  I don't ever try to fit it.  I'm myself all day long and always have been and people don't like that.  They don't understand people like me.  This be yourself thing doesn't really work out well.  Most people stop being their full selves by their first year in school at 5 years old and most people are afraid to be their full self.  Every single person we talk to today is putting on a show and scared to death that we will see through it all and see the real them.

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46 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Every single person we talk to today is putting on a show and scared to death that we will see through it all and see the real them.

I was just thinking of how to put this the other day. Maybe I'm just delusional but I can see through people's fake personalities.  And that's why I don't trust or believe anything anyone says anymore. As you would say "there afraid of the monster". 

 

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, watalife said:

Maybe I'm just delusional but I can see through people's fake personalities.

If you're delusional, you're in good company (a conceit).  Our intuitions, because of our backgrounds, are finely honed.  We know ourselves and our masks oh so well that they're easy to recognize in others.

Those developed for me at an early age as I tried to survive a narcissist parent.  Intuitively I knew she was, for lack of a better term, evil.  But I was completely helpless to help myself.  Nevertheless, it was ingrained in my developing brain.  I've read so many articles on how kids' brains develop differently in abusive environments.  It helped me realize that depression was not my fault.

The trick was that my survival skills didn't work as well in adulthood.  The real work was to put my intuition to work.  For me that's been a lifelong challenge, for example, to walk away or use the word "no" when my gut tells me a situation is unacceptable.  It's still a skill that doesn't come naturally.

Put another way, I've had to learn to respond to the way things/people are, not the way Little Mark would have wanted them to be.

 

Edited by MarkintheDark

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7 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

Having a bad night.  It is 3:00 a.m. and all I can do is . . . cry and type. 

WHY AM I STILL HERE?  I AM SO USELESS!  Unwell; unhappy; unfulfilled.  A living death. 

I am sorry you are feeling this way.  I can relate I've had my fair share of sleepless nights and up and about crying over anything and everything.

Please be sure your eating, drinking, taking your meds (if you take meds) and taking care of you!  You are NOT USELESS! You are here sharing your story and reaching out and it takes a lot of courage and strength to do that!

I hope this message finds you feeling better, we are all here if you need more support!

Jay B.

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I am feeling optimistic today.  Although my day started with a blow out while driving down the road.  At least I had what it takes to get out and changed the tire so I could arrive safely home.  Think I am going to introduce some Paxil back into my medication regime today and see if I can get my depressed mood picked back up a bit. My Pdoc says it is ok to do so and I've had support here saying it may be a good thing to do as well so I am going to give it a shot.

So glad I found all the caring people that are in the forums.  Sometimes this is what gets me through another day!

Jay B.

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Today, I feel really horrible. As if I am a failure and I don’t want to carry on living. I hate everything about myself, from my attitude to my body to the way I treat others. Many a days, I wish I was dead. Some days I am just feeling really low and hopeless and I just wanna avoid everything, everyone, all responsibilities and life, and hope that things will be okay again. I have been painting but it stopped making me feel good. Other days, I wish I had the courage to die. 

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Doing better. Yesterday was a very productive day. Got the lawn mowed, dinner cooked, and jogged at the park. Started my diet yesterday so time to lose some weight. Trying not to think about everything that's happened and just trying to move forward.

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The going is becoming rougher.  General feeling of malaise all day, though the basics are getting done for now.  In particular, have started to get some anxiety about my financial situation (a long story) starting to erode.  It's an effort, especially the past couple of days, to keep those thoughts at bay.

Heat/humidity isn't at full bore, but I feel like it affects me anyway.  Find myself wondering if a part of it is based on my expectations from years past.  otoh, I know reverse seasonal affective disorder is a thing for me.  For now, I'm just not going to try to fight it.  I've had too many damn battles the past 6-9 months.

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5 hours ago, watalife said:

I was just thinking of how to put this the other day. Maybe I'm just delusional but I can see through people's fake personalities.  And that's why I don't trust or believe anything anyone says anymore. As you would say "there afraid of the monster". 

 

I've always had the "gift" of being able to see the wolves in sheeps clothing.  Is it good seeing all the monsters that walk around me or would I rather be naive?

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Posted (edited)

Ignored but that’s ok cos I’m not important, I’m too pathetic to be important, I’m worthless, I’m horrible, I’m nothing, and I don’t know how to do anything. Everything is a mess. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t look forward to today at all 😞 I should just give up trying. I really should just give up. There’s no point to this. Good bye everyone. I’m too much of a pain to this place. It hurts too much.

Edited by Depressedgurl007

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I feel fat. I just realized today that I am fat and have a big gut chin and arms. If i hadn't moved to this dump I would still be surrounded with 2 cool places to walk.  Ewww  I hate this place. Im stuck with noisy cars, gas fumes, horrible neighbors,  and don't forget mold and bugs. ☺

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23 minutes ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

Ignored but that’s ok cos I’m not important, I’m too pathetic to be important, I’m worthless, I’m horrible, I’m nothing, and I don’t know how to do anything. Everything is a mess. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t look forward to today at all 😞 I should just give up trying. I really should just give up. There’s no point to this. Good bye everyone. I’m too much of a pain to this place. It hurts too much.

No your not

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54 minutes ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

Ignored but that’s ok cos I’m not important, I’m too pathetic to be important, I’m worthless, I’m horrible, I’m nothing, and I don’t know how to do anything. Everything is a mess. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t look forward to today at all 😞 I should just give up trying. I really should just give up. There’s no point to this. Good bye everyone. I’m too much of a pain to this place. It hurts too much.

Remember we do care about you, your depression is speaking above, not you🤗

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5 hours ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

Ignored but that’s ok cos I’m not important, I’m too pathetic to be important, I’m worthless, I’m horrible, I’m nothing, and I don’t know how to do anything. Everything is a mess. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t look forward to today at all 😞 I should just give up trying. I really should just give up. There’s no point to this. Good bye everyone. I’m too much of a pain to this place. It hurts too much.

No, please no!!  We need you.  The world needs you, DG!!  This is a deep nadir, you are in, a hole I myself have been in in my 54 years - so many times I've lost count.  But, I've had wonderful moments too, and the one thing I know is that in my deepest, darkest times, my mind was LYING to me.  None of what it was telling me was true.

You are valued, here, for sure, and I know elsewhere!  See what tomorrow and the tomorrow after that brings.  It will get better!! 

Biggest, tightest (but not bone-crushing or anything LOL) hugs to you my dear soul!  I'm so freakin sorry you are feeling this down right now.  I know the feeling.  I've been there.  But, it will get better!!!

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5 hours ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

Ignored but that’s ok cos I’m not important, I’m too pathetic to be important, I’m worthless, I’m horrible, I’m nothing, and I don’t know how to do anything. Everything is a mess. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t look forward to today at all 😞 I should just give up trying. I really should just give up. There’s no point to this. Good bye everyone. I’m too much of a pain to this place. It hurts too much.

I'm so sorry you're in agony.  In that case, let us prop you up a bit.

I just took a look at some of your recent posts in which you've used your own experience to give hope to others.  If you can, perhaps read those posts yourself. :console:

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