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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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Posted (edited)

So so so so so grateful. Reflecting back on how I was just a month ago, I feel as though I now have some life back in me again. I owe you my life, and I don't care how silly that might sound to some people. Because thats how I feel. I know it's not going to be smooth sailing from here on, but I'm just so grateful to even get just a few good days back. That's more than I could have ever hoped for. Thank you so much. You know who you are. 

Edited by Soarsie18

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Depressed and struggling today.  Viibryd is just not working for me.  The maximum I can tolerate is half of a 10 mg pill (0.5 mg) without terrible nausea, and dizziness.  I was taking 40 mg of Paxil before which was helping but I was a little tired and was longing for just wanting to "feel a little bit better" so my Psychiatrist switched me to Viibryd and I am suffering ever since.

I am going to try introducing the Paxil back into my system, I felt so much better than this before.  I feel like crying all the time which is not me.  Another medication change/adjustment and another failure.  It is sometimes depressing trying not to be depressed if that makes any sense.

Anyone ever been on Viibryd and Paxil together? 

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I'm finally getting live tv here at the house today.  What is the real reason I went 6 months without it?  That's how afraid of people I am.  I'm willing to suffer most of the time to make sure nobody has to show up here at the house.  I'm terrified of most people!

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@sober4life  Good for you getting TV!! I am glad you are overcoming your fear of people enough to take a big step like that.  I am sure you will enjoy having television to watch, and once installed they should have no other reason to be showing up to your house.

Congrats on your accomplishment!! 😀

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, jayb1233 said:

I am going to try introducing the Paxil back into my system, I felt so much better than this before.  I feel like crying all the time which is not me.  Another medication change/adjustment and another failure.  It is sometimes depressing trying not to be depressed if that makes any sense.

I'm not a pharmacologist, so my opinion may be worth squat.  Normally, I'd caution on self-dosing, but I reread your previous posts.  I noticed, iirc, you'd already been on both simultaneously under your pdoc's care as you weaned off Paxil.  Sounds in my unprofessional opinion as if that may have been too quick.  And, you've also the sobriety to deal with, a subject about which I have no personal experience except anecdotally from friends in recovery.

If my experience is any source of support, I faced a similar situation with Prozac and Trazodone.  I'd used Prozac successfully years ago, particularly for it's "energizing" qualities.  I resumed when Paxil and Zoloft hadn't done a thing for me.  Pdoc added Trazodone initially as a sleep aid, but eventually for help with anxiety.  Problem was he upped the Prozac simultaneously and my anxiety went through the roof (well-documented here on DF).  He told me the Paxil was likely responsible along with physiological changes as I've aged.  Within days of that discussion, my anxiety was off the charts and I just quit the Prozac, slightly upping my Trazodone to 150mg (it's also an AD) spread out thru the day.  During our session last week I advised him of the change, he approved and made the appropriate adjustment to the script for the next few months.

(He's also aware I've occasionally used .25 Xanax for emergencies)

Far from being a failure, it sounds to me like you've thought this out carefully and despite feeling like sh#t.  And, heck, you're reaching out.  Maybe it's just a matter of finding a balance on the meds.  I would keep the pdoc informed.  Hope you feel better and start to get your life back.

 

Edited by MarkintheDark

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Posted (edited)
 
 
 
 
3
20 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:
 
 
 
 
9 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

I'm not a pharmacologist, so my opinion may be worth squat.  Normally, I'd caution on self-dosing, but I reread your previous posts.  I noticed, iirc, you'd already been on both simultaneously under your pdoc's care as you weaned off Paxil.  Sounds in my unprofessional opinion as if that may have been too quick.  And, you've also the sobriety to deal with, a subject about which I have no personal experience except anecdotally from friends in recovery.

If my experience is any source of support, I faced a similar situation with Prozac and Trazodone.  I'd used Prozac successfully years ago, particularly for it's "energizing" qualities.  I resumed when Paxil and Zoloft hadn't done a thing for me.  Pdoc added Trazodone initially as a sleep aid, but eventually for help with anxiety.  Problem was he upped the Prozac simultaneously and my anxiety went through the roof (well-documented here).  He told me the Paxil was likely responsible.  Within days of that discussion, my anxiety was off the charts and I just quit the Prozac, slightly upping my Trazodone to 150mg (it's also an AD) spread out thru the day.  During our session last week I advised him of the change, he approved and made the appropriate adjustment to the script for the next few months.

(He's also aware I've occasionally used .25 Xanax for emergencies)

Far from being a failure, it sounds to me like you've thought this out carefully and despite feeling like sh#t.  Maybe it's just a matter of finding a balance on the meds.  I would keep the pdoc informed.  Hope you feel better and start to get your life back.

 

@MarkintheDark Thank you SOOO much for the response and input.  My Pdoc did give me permission to go back on the Paxil and I think that is what I am going to do.  Well more specifically stay on 0.5mg of Viibryd and introduce the Paxil back in slowly.  I would not wish this on my own worst enemy.  It seems we almost have to be our own pharmacologists in a sense because there are so many variables and only we know how we feel.  

She had given me permission to stop the Viibryd entirely if need be but I can handle the low dose with no side effects.  My only fear of adding the Paxil back in is losing the energy the Viibryd is giving me, but it is not helping my depression and I need to have something on board that is helping my depression so this bit of encouragement is what I needed.

I will keep you posted, tomorrow I am going to add 10 mg of Paxil for a week or two and see how I am feeling.  Perhaps if I use the minimum amount of Paxil that I need for the depression I will not lose the energy the Viibryd has given me.

I REALLY appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post, it gave me  a lot of encouragement.

Edited by jayb1233

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Have lots more energy today. I think it's the gabapentin that I started a few nights ago. I must be getting better sleep. Cymbalta took away the worst of the depression but sleep hadn't improved much. Still working on my low self-esteem; the constant feeling of shame is gone but it's taking time to visualize myself getting back into the working world.

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The last 24 hours have been weird, for lack of a better word (probably because I'm still in shock over what happened).

See, one of my aunt's closest friends passed on pretty recently. And I got to know him quite well because he'd go to musicals with us (that is, me, my aunt, and some of her other friends) every summer. Now that he's gone, those shows will never be the same again. I'm just...trying to make sense of it all, I guess?

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Posted (edited)
On 5/11/2019 at 7:30 PM, Tilted said:

It is hard to say what is worse: the humiliating monotony of the work week or the humiliating anhedonic emptiness of days off. 

In my case, it's the work week.  To me, work is like driving down a mountain road with lots of switchbacks and suddenly realizing your car has suddenly lost its brakes.

 

Edited by JD4010

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I used to drive AMC vehicles with rugged old inline sixes. I could yank the carb, rebuild it, and have it back on in less than 15 minutes. Simpler times.

14 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Hey, I have a carburetor you can clean!

 

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Continuing from my previous post. 

He wasn't that old, either. Probably in his mid-sixties or early seventies at the most, but at least he died doing what he loved most (fishing).

Why do bad things happen to the best people?

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I am grateful and glad I joined www.depressionforums.org.  Sometimes I feel like no one else can be experiencing "exactly" what I am, or what I have so it makes me believe no one would understand so why explain.  Right?  Wrong, I have learned now that I can come here and interact with people who know exactly how I feel, been through what I have been through and genuinely understand.  

I am able to vent, get great advice, and realize (other than a therapist telling me) that I am not alone in this.  It gives me hope and makes me feel good that so many people are here supporting one another!  It may sound cliche but it is how I feel.

Thank you, all of you!!

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10 hours ago, DialAForAlan said:

Continuing from my previous post. 

He wasn't that old, either. Probably in his mid-sixties or early seventies at the most, but at least he died doing what he loved most (fishing).

Why do bad things happen to the best people?

Maybe it's a soul journey issue.  My brother had a hard entry into, and a hard exit from, this life.  I don't know why and it torments me.  I felt him close to me after I heard of his death, but I have not recently.  Paramahansa Yogananda says that we shouldn't mourn the passing of a loved one so woefully that it binds the soul of the loved one to this plane when it is destined for another.  At least that comforts me a little. 

A long time ago, a childhood friend of mine died suddenly after a midnight jog.  He was a pro basketball player and extremely, unexpectedly tall (none of his family was tall).  We found out that his heart was enlarged--probably a defect from birth--and one of the vessels could no longer connect to . . . wherever it needed to be.  All of us--all his friends and family--were stricken.  It was just . . . SO F.R.I.G.G.I.N.G . . . WRONG.  So I tried to comfort myself by believing that his soul was needed elsewhere.  

In answer to your question, I don't know.  I just. don't. know.

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