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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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I understand too.  There's no such thing as an easy day for me.  No matter what's coming the next day I'm terrified of having to do it even if it's a "rest day".  Those are the worst of all.  I don't think I've ever rested in my life.  I don't think I've had one moment of peace so far in this life.

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2 hours ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

 

Sorry guys I have to vent otherwise I am going to be up all night thinking and I need to sleep. 

I've had a good last couple of days and was feeling really good yesterday almost like my old self again. I have been working/decorating someone's living room and should if everything goes right finish by tomorrow. 

But, I spent the last part of today thinking about all the bad things people have ever done to me, which in reality probably isn't a lot, and in my mind I imagined all sorts of scenarios, me kicking the cr*p out of them, or finding the worst person I know or someone like a killer and ending their life, before ending mine. I know that sounds really messed up and I probably sound like a creep, I would never do this, I am a sensitive chap and would never be violent to someone and I certainly don't have any plans to do any of the sort. 

It's just silly stuff I am imagining in my head. I would never want to inflict pain on anyone and would probably end up on the receiving end pretty quickly even if I tried. I got beat up quite bad by a "friend" a couple of years ago after a night of drinking and he was on drugs and he turned. He basically robbed me, and I tried to fight back but he was too strong for me. I still haven't got over that.

I am struggling so much with my temper the last 4 months, and I don't know if this is part of depression, or being unmedicafed or both. I have never struggled to control myself but I feel I have a switch which goes and I just RAGE. It has been in the back of my mind for a while now that I might be bipolar but I have been so disgusted with the mental health system I just don't see the point, and my gp will just try and put me on more medication. The only time I ever saw a psychiatrist was when I was 17. I have been on the waiting list now for 6 months for some ADHD clinic.

This has nothing to do with the person who made me angry (family member) who actually does need to be told, I did manage to find the maturity to rise above their nonsense. 

I understand, CA!

Here is what I have learned about anger and resentment:

Forgive and move on.  Yesterday's newspaper.  That is the only solution for you to love yourself!!!

The fact is, this world is full of tyrants, killers, dickheads, cheats and abusers.  It just is.  

But the nice, loving people outnumber them all.  I am the biggest pessimist on humanity, yet even I know this to be true.

Your anger is really just anger at yourself.  And it is a one way ticket, first class, to self-destruction.

I know.  I was the same as you.

Shrug, and forgive them, with an inner peace and forgiveness that says you are more human than them.  Such power you can attain by rising above hatred and retribution. You know why? Because you will attain an inner peace that comforts you and gives you strength, and thus, obliterates, conquers their abusiveness.  What could piss them off more than you being strong and unhating????

The best way of F***king them is letting it go and forgiving them and the world and being at peace with yourself.

That is not to say that there isn't a time to fight back. I 'm not preaching passivity or acquiescence in all situations.   If you are physically threatened, tear out the bastards eyes and eat them with an olive oil drizzle!!!!   Otherwise, let those lost souls from your past, or present, be the unconscious knuckle draggers they are.  They can enjoy their awful world.  You, in being peaceful, composed, and self loving, will have proven yourself light years better than them, and you will be at peace!!!

Peace and forgiveness.

The two things that will drive those MF's mad!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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40 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I understand too.  There's no such thing as an easy day for me.  No matter what's coming the next day I'm terrified of having to do it even if it's a "rest day".  Those are the worst of all.  I don't think I've ever rested in my life.  I don't think I've had one moment of peace so far in this life.

Thanks for understanding to sober it’s nice to know people do understand what am going through 

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Frusterated - I had a doctor's appointment on Friday and I am transitioning out of my boot (from my broken leg two months ago). But the only shoes I have that fit are old broken down tennis shoes that I should not be wearing anyway. So, I decided that it was a good day to buy new shoes. Unfortunatly, my foot is swollen - so although my right foot is still an 8, my left foot will not fit into anything but a 10. Got one pair that will work for the next few weeks - and then it will be back to the shoe store. 😜

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Today will be a long day but if things go well my life will change for the better forever.  Today can easily start the next chapter of my life.  If it goes well the life I have always wanted is right around the corner.  I should be happy but honestly I never thought I would make it this far in my recovery and I'm scared to death.  Getting the life I wanted was the reason I decided to get sober.  I feel like I could puke right now but here we go ready or not.

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Posted (edited)

Having a few concerns for the week, but I'm calm.  Some lower-grade anxiety the past weekend, but I've stuck with the meds.  Have an appointment with the pdoc tomorrow to discuss upping them. (And PCP Friday)

The past week has seen a major transition from spring to summer here which means heat and humidity levels become tough for me to tolerate.  I have a reverse seasonal affective disorder because of it.  For the most part, this year, I've therefore respected my limitations, limiting my time outdoors.  That meant declining outdoor time with some friends this past weekend.  I was not happy about it.  But I knew it would probably wipe me out.

(Even now I'm debating a run down to the jetty to catch a Navy departure, but that also involves a long slog across the sand, temps already in the 80sF/30sC)

I'm also resisting the temptation to push to get things done before they supposedly get worse.  I'm doing as I'm able.  For me, that's kinda risky.  As I noted in a post from someone else, I know it could go downhill.  Honestly, I don't have the answer for that one...and would appreciate some perspective from y'all.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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11 hours ago, sober4life said:

I understand too.  There's no such thing as an easy day for me.  No matter what's coming the next day I'm terrified of having to do it even if it's a "rest day".  Those are the worst of all.  I don't think I've ever rested in my life.  I don't think I've had one moment of peace so far in this life.

Only those born to wealthy parents have easy day.

I need advise: if the primary cause of my distress & frustrations is my current job

As in I communicate now in shouts only for example

Should I quit before landing another job first?

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1 hour ago, iWantRope said:

Only those born to wealthy parents have easy day.

I need advise: if the primary cause of my distress & frustrations is my current job

As in I communicate now in shouts only for example

Should I quit before landing another job first?

Not always...in my hospital stay years ago i met a wealthy person who was severely depressed and suicidal. After we became close because we had similar issues, the person told me "not even all the money my parents have in the world can make me feel better and happy" because she was treatment-resistant too and wanted to end her life.  Sometimes I think those with money have it far worse than we imagine.

as for your job, that depends on health insurance, (if you see doctors) will you find another fast? do you have money for a few months if you don't to survive? Just some things to consider..

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5 hours ago, sober4life said:

Today will be a long day but if things go well my life will change for the better forever.  Today can easily start the next chapter of my life.  If it goes well the life I have always wanted is right around the corner.  I should be happy but honestly I never thought I would make it this far in my recovery and I'm scared to death.  Getting the life I wanted was the reason I decided to get sober.  I feel like I could puke right now but here we go ready or not.

I hope this message finds you doing well.  You are brave and ambitious and have come so far.  You've got this!!  If you're struggling along the way, we are all here to help!  I am in recovery as well and it can be a scary place some days.  We are only one bad day/decision away from no longer being in recovery and being back on the other side of the fence.

I know you can do this.  It is encouraging to me more than you know when I see you fighting and getting through, it makes me feel like I can fight and make it through too.  Eventually, fewer days will be a fight and things will simmer down and hopefully be easier and you can enjoy this new chapter of your life. 

Right now from where I am standing you are putting up an awesome fight and kicking butt!

Keep up the good work!

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Today kinda sucks for me.  My new medication is making me anxious, nauseated, hypervigilant and frustrated.  Therapy, medications, sobriety, pushing myself, trying the Depression Forums.  It feels like I am fighting so hard with so little reward.  I just want to be happy, focused, and have some normal energy and not be all jacked up from a pill.

See my Psychiatrist Wed. so hopefully we can try ANOTHER medication, or hell at this point I would just as well go back to what I was on.  I felt soooo much better.  I feel myself falling, losing hope, and giving in, and I simply cannot let that happen.  That is when the dark side of things tend to come to mind, then I end up in a full blown depression not leaving the house, and pretty much not able to do anything.  I sure hope to get ahead of this and feel better soon.

Thanks to everyone for there continued support, comments, and messages!!  It means a lot and truly does help!

Jay B. 

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I am so weirded out right now. Something just happened in the park and I'm like "Did that really happen or am I asleep and dreaming right now?" I was walking my dog when this 60ish man on a bicycle wearing a bandana comes by and asks me if the community center is up the street. I'm about to tell him I"m sorry, I don't know (I dont' really go out much, for all I know there is a community center around here) when this hippie dude without a shirt and long wild hair and a pitbull comes up to us and asks if he can help as he walks up and I saw to him "the community center?" And he tells the bike dude that there isn't one. The bike dude says indignantly, "Yes, there is, it's it's right up the street" or something like that so that hippie dude responds in a very angry hippie-ish voice, "Then you should know where it is". Then the bike dude laughs angrily and says "I don't know dude, I'm from Chicago" in that way that people from NYC and Chicago always talk about where there from to make themselves sound badass (I say that as someone with a husband from Brooklyn lol). And after that I don't remember exactly but the bike dude says "peace and love" to the hippie dude in a contemptous voice and the hippie dude gets angry and everything starts escalating so quickly to the point where I felt like these dudes were going to scrap right in front of me or take out this d*cks for a measuring contest. And I'm standing there awkwardly, dumbfounded, feeling increasingly uncomfortable. Finally I say to them "This is weird" and turn around and practically run away, adding (because I can't help myself) "What the hell just happened?" loud enough for both of them to hear. The bike guy rides away angrily and the hippie guy starts running with his pitbull. At one point I looked back and he's running toward me and I start walking faster to get away as fast as possible. lol

Florida is a weird place.

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Yesterday sucked, so afraid that today will suck.

It was super busy, two people pissed me off then I got an anxiety attack. Too much input coming from all directions and feeling like i had to do it all by myself. Ended up walking out of work to go calm down half a block away. I just want to curl up with my cats and be a cat today.

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