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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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6 hours ago, LonelyHiker said:

Yeah, me too...

 

 

Unfortunately, this process (for me anyway) is akin to picking out unsoiled grains of sand from my 🐈's litter box..

I hear ya.

 

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Someone told me the day you stop caring what people think is the first day of your life.  Wouldn't it be nice if I could turn it off like a light switch and just live every day like it was my last but it's not possible.  I put myself in a prison every day worrying about what family thinks of me or what the neighbors think of me.  I'm scared of everyone.  My paranoia is ridiculous.  My mind can completely make things up that aren't true and I believe it.  I'm becoming like grandma was at the end talking to herself creating her own reality none of which is true.

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On 4/29/2019 at 10:51 PM, Soarsie18 said:

Yeah they do. They think that now i’m on prozac everything is back to normal. I can’t talk to my mum about how m I really feel because she gets really anxious (more anxious than I do). 

And that is the rub with us depressives, Soarsie - we hide away because we feel we are a burden and a danger to others.  The therapists and mental health experts tell us to engage, but when we do, we AFFLICT others who care about us with anxiety that may even be beyond our own.  I ask these experts, how is bringing everyone we love pain an anxiety a cure for us?  Can they not see what that does to us, feeling like kryptonite in a world of supposed normal supermen/women every time we feel the courage to reach out?

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1 minute ago, salparadise6132 said:

And that is the rub with us depressives, Soarsie - we hide away because we feel we are a burden and a danger to others.  The therapists and mental health experts tell us to engage, but when we do, we AFFLICT others who care about us with anxiety that may even be beyond our own.  I ask these experts, how is bringing everyone we love pain an anxiety a cure for us?  Can they not see what that does to us, feeling like kryptonite in a world of supposed normal supermen/women every time we feel the courage to reach out?

It doesn’t help. It makes it worse. Even when I do reach out they don’t understand fully. Me being a burden on them just gives me another good reason to not stick around anymore. 

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12 hours ago, Lostonesweeping said:

Feeling alright. As long as I do not think too much, life seems alright. Once I start thinking, my brain just obsesses over the bad.

The thinking mind is not you.  Ignore it, just observe it.  It is your pain body making up ****!  You are on the right track, I believe. Just observe the thoughts and let them pass.  It is a great insight you have stated here!!

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7 minutes ago, Soarsie18 said:

It doesn’t help. It makes it worse. Even when I do reach out they don’t understand fully. Me being a burden on them just gives me another good reason to not stick around anymore. 

I know.

This is what I have found.

This is why we hide it.

It's a small thing, but at least we have each other on here who understand.

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13 hours ago, Lostonesweeping said:

Feeling alright. As long as I do not think too much, life seems alright. Once I start thinking, my brain just obsesses over the bad.

I think both you and @salparadise6132 have nailed it.  I was about to start a thread on it...probably something like, "Is this what recovery feels like?"  No doubt I've had a few significant bumps in the road the past few weeks, but I've otherwise been able to keep from going completely into the hole.  For that matter, I've had a significant number of good days.

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Posted (edited)

A li'l victory I had today.  The owner's realtor is aware I don't like him and I'm fed up with his pushiness.  I've nevertheless kept it "professional."  He dropped into my office Tuesday during a long inspection to convince me, "We have more in common than you realize," meaning that we both have HIV.  I did poker face.

I was surprised my immediate thought was that, no, he doesn't know squat about me.  I let him ramble about the nine years he has in AA and, if my 12-step friends will forgive me, his parroting of 12-step phraseology.   I've been there in my own recovery and understand its purpose but, from his mouth, it rang hollow.  Considering our months' long encounters, it came off as just another sales job, like one would have with a used car salesman.

I get that he may be trying to connect.  But his actions the past few months have indicated he doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself.  And I wasn't gonna take the bait.  At that point, hell, having a few people poking around my home was quite enough to deal with.

 

Edited by MarkintheDark

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Went to agency ended up talking me into night shift work presumably because the original day job he told me about went to someone else, I turned it down. I feel like I am letting my country down. I don't want to be someone living off state benefits my whole life. My great grandad who fought in ww2 would be ashamed of me. I have what seems like a guaranteed job on Friday I have to take this one otherwise I am moving out because I can't pay my mum decent rent. 

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Posted (edited)

I need to take a break. I really do. I’m always feeling so lost. I need to find my motivation again. Do things I like. Instead of thinking that this is it. This voice in my head is always asking “What’s the point?” There is no point. But I can’t stay here either. I gotto go out there and do something productive. Just because I will die when I’m a hundred (worst case scenario) and I need money for my medical fees then so I better do as much as I can now. Get out there and do something I like. Something. 

Edited by Depressedgurl007

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I'm not trying to trigger anyone but I feel great! I've recently stopped taking this medication; that I started at a young age, in 2016. I started wondering last year if these meds were playing with my emotions. They were also causing other horrific side effects like high blood pressure, which the Doctors kept denying. All for money 😞 

I kept brushing it off because I was afraid of the withdrawal symptoms. I prolonged the use until, last week, I had enough. Since coming off these meds, I feel less irritable, anxious, depressed, etc. My mind is clearer, stronger and more focused! My blood pressure is back to normal as well. Why didn't I do this sooner? 💜

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I am still in a mental loop, trying to break off of this misery. I am tired my whole life  always being told what to do. Surrounded by a negative family who all they do is complain about anything like a broken record. Sometimes I want to just die and let this end. I feel I am a failure in life. 

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20 hours ago, Tears_Always said:

Wow I am sorry that you are feeling this way, it seems to me that anyone who is able to juggle school and work should be seen as a supper-hero as neither of those are easy tasks on their own nvm when you put them together.

Thanks, I am feeling a bit better today. We all have our not-so-good days:)

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

Went to agency ended up talking me into night shift work presumably because the original day job he told me about went to someone else, I turned it down. I feel like I am letting my country down. I don't want to be someone living off state benefits my whole life. My great grandad who fought in ww2 would be ashamed of me. I have what seems like a guaranteed job on Friday I have to take this one otherwise I am moving out because I can't pay my mum decent rent. 

You're not letting your country down. You're exactly the kind of person that state benefits are made for. You're looking for work, but aren't able to get any because of certain factors that are completely out of your control. Nothing to be ashamed of, and no reason for anyone to look down on you. Hopefully the job on Friday works out. :)

Edited by Soarsie18

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, babyxgothxx said:

I'm not trying to trigger anyone but I feel great! I've recently stopped taking this medication; that I started at a young age, in 2016. I started wondering last year if these meds were playing with my emotions. They were also causing other horrific side effects like high blood pressure, which the Doctors kept denying. All for money 😞 

I kept brushing it off because I was afraid of the withdrawal symptoms. I prolonged the use until, last week, I had enough. Since coming off these meds, I feel less irritable, anxious, depressed, etc. My mind is clearer, stronger and more focused! My blood pressure is back to normal as well. Why didn't I do this sooner? 💜

Excellent! I'm happy you are feeling great.

If I may ask, which med was that?

I'm very afraid of coming off of my two "mind benders" (citalopram and bupropion) because of the nasty withdrawal symptoms. I've experienced them from both of these meds and they are highly unpleasant.

Edited by JD4010

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Posted (edited)

The neighbors are swinging their arms and fighting with each other pointing over to my house but they won't have the nerve to come over and say anything to me.  They will just whine to each other.  They don't have the nerve to talk to me face to face.  If they did I would laugh at them and tell them to get the hell out of here.

 

Edited by sober4life

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4 hours ago, babyxgothxx said:

I'm not trying to trigger anyone but I feel great! I've recently stopped taking this medication; that I started at a young age, in 2016. I started wondering last year if these meds were playing with my emotions. They were also causing other horrific side effects like high blood pressure, which the Doctors kept denying. All for money 😞 

I kept brushing it off because I was afraid of the withdrawal symptoms. I prolonged the use until, last week, I had enough. Since coming off these meds, I feel less irritable, anxious, depressed, etc. My mind is clearer, stronger and more focused! My blood pressure is back to normal as well. Why didn't I do this sooner? 💜

They did the same thing with me.  They were keeping me sick and making me worse.  They just wanted a patient forever.  They never had any intentions in helping me in any way.

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

Excellent! I'm happy you are feeling great.

If I may ask, which med was that?

I'm very afraid of coming off of my two "mind benders" (citalopram and bupropion) because of the nasty withdrawal symptoms. I've experienced them from both of these meds and they are highly unpleasant.

You can do it.  I know it's hard but are they really working anyway?  Are you really happy?

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