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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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On 4/28/2019 at 12:34 PM, watalife said:

Never imagined this crap. I always imagined wearing business suits and sitting around oval tables 😅  nothing else

I always imagined I'd be a superhero when I was little 😄 Well, it was never a possibility, but it was a nice dream.

I wanted to be an actor after that, but no funding or opportunity. Fair enough. Most don't make it, anyhow.

Pity that doctors saw the first as 'symptomatic', (in a young child. I feel like telling them; 'Dude, you need a hobby.')

The second I was told I couldn't achieve because 'people like me' don't do that sort of thing. I mean, sure, it wasn't going to happen, but not because I've got a mental illness.

Now, I'd like a steady job that doesn't set off the chronic pain.

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I never did get any sleep this afternoon, causing me to finally drift off sometime before 11 pm. Ironic how now that I'm not trying to sleep at night, it happens all the time...at least I have the mornings to spend with my husband now before he goes to work. And to walk when I want to, before it gets hot. A pretty good deal. In the meantime I'm up now at 6 am and kind of bored. Maybe I'll go out and watch the sun rise.

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FIVE more days of work to get through, then we're leaving on a jet plane!!! SO excited for wedding/honeymoon!!! YAY!!!!!! St Lucia mountains, sunshine, tranquility, beach, cocktails, here we come! A LONG awaited trip!!!!

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The next couple of months will be the most important months in my life so far.  If I can do well during these next couple of months my life should turn around dramatically.  It's going to be so stressful though.  I have to be strong though.  I've come too far to stop now.

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I'm doing...kinda decent. Maybe I've resigned myself to the pathetic life I'm going to lead from here on out. I've stopped dreaming in other words. I'm trying to identify the small bits of good in my current situation so I can run with them.

I'll keep on until I can't.

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Posted (edited)

Mum being passive aggressive again. Haven't seen her in 4 days the only thing she says to me "funny time to go for a walk". I cannot deal with it anymore. Either that or I am just very sick. I can't deal with how angry she makes me feel. I know it's immature I keep "switching" to what seems like uncontrollable anger and destructiveness like my personality changes. I'm hoping it's just my brain rewriting itself after 9 years of ssris. 

Edited by CoffeeAddict103

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feeling very ill today, wanting to throw up. My mum takes 10 minutes to explain something that could be said in 10 seconds. Just the thing to tip me over the edge. Every time I emerge from my room my mum holds me hostage whilst she talks about stuff. 

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I had a great day at work! I may be able to transition into a social media marketing role within my company and transition out of what I've been doing for 8 years, which I don't really care for anymore. My boss said a position will open up and they need someone to take on social responsibilities, so I volunteered. It was a good day. 

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1 hour ago, Soarsie18 said:

feeling very ill today, wanting to throw up. My mum takes 10 minutes to explain something that could be said in 10 seconds. Just the thing to tip me over the edge. Every time I emerge from my room my mum holds me hostage whilst she talks about stuff. 

do your parents know what you are going through?

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It makes me cry seeing how supportive and wonderful people are here.  I love you all and hope you all get whatever wonderful lives you want and I hope all your dreams come true.  I would have never made it this far without the love and support from the people here.  Everyone here is so amazing.❤️

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

It makes me cry seeing how supportive and wonderful people are here.  I love you all and hope you all get whatever wonderful lives you want and I hope all your dreams come true.  I would have never made it this far without the love and support from the people here.  Everyone here is so amazing.❤️

Love you too, sober!!!!!!!

 

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Surprisingly good Monday.  One friend had called another yesterday to ask whether he was shooting this morning's Navy arrivals - about which he'd forgotten - and he then contacted me.  (I'd made tentative plans to slog through sand to the jetty).  It meant three of us up before dawn to get the shots from the10th floor as they came into port.

Oh, I didn't sleep much Sunday night and I was completely fried afterwards - back to bed for five hours this afternoon - but well worth the companionship.

Considering the past six months, I'm rather surprised I followed through.

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4 hours ago, Extremebeginner said:

do your parents know what you are going through?

Yeah they do. They think that now i’m on prozac everything is back to normal. I can’t talk to my mum about how m I really feel because she gets really anxious (more anxious than I do). 

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Haven't slept and I'm upset I have been reading an article about paranoid personality disorder and I am scared I might be loosing my mind. 

What I found on the DSM 

  1. Suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving them.
  2. Is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates.
  3. Is reluctant to confide in others because of unwarranted fear that the information will be used maliciously against them.
  4. Reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanings into benign remarks or events.
  5. Persistently bears grudges (i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights).
  6. Perceives attacks on their character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack.
  7.  

Some of that I think describes me the last 6 months :(

I was up all night last night preoccupied with what a friend said in the pub a benign comment, banter as we call it here. It literally dominated my mind. That is not normal is it?

Sorry for my crap guys.

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44 minutes ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

Haven't slept and I'm upset I have been reading an article about paranoid personality disorder and I am scared I might be loosing my mind. 

What I found on the DSM 

  1. Suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving them.
  2. Is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates.
  3. Is reluctant to confide in others because of unwarranted fear that the information will be used maliciously against them.
  4. Reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanings into benign remarks or events.
  5. Persistently bears grudges (i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights).
  6. Perceives attacks on their character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack.
  7.  

Some of that I think describes me the last 6 months :(

I was up all night last night preoccupied with what a friend said in the pub a benign comment, banter as we call it here. It literally dominated my mind. That is not normal is it?

Sorry for my crap guys.

No need to be sorry 

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How do I go to sleep feeling good--great even--and then wake up with the worst headache of my life? And nausea. I tried drinking some water, using the bathroom, going back to sleep...nothing helped. Took some pills and now I feel a bit better but not 100%. I wish I knew what made me sick.

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