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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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28 minutes ago, anon22ae said:

Feeling like I don't belong in this world (or this timeline). When young(er), did you ever envision anything like the present reality of yourself and everything else?

I've always felt that way.  I feel like there is probably life on many planets and I was brought to the wrong planet.  It's like this is a planet of only cats and I'm the only dog.  I'm never going to be a cat.  I'm never going to be like anyone else no matter how hard I try.  I feel like an alien that has just arrived every day.  Nothing makes sense and I don't enjoy anything most people enjoy.

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

The stress of my life got the best of me that's for sure.  I'm ok today but nobody would want to see me the days I was missing from here.  

Sorry you have been having some extra tough times. I was just thinking that you hadnt posted for a while and was to write to see if you were ok. You were missed.....

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I thought that I was having a good day today but got steadily more snippy as the day went on, then got home and had to face the fact that he isn't here and totally broke down crying. Just want to hide in bed and never come out again, or even better go join him.

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3 hours ago, anon22ae said:

Feeling like I don't belong in this world (or this timeline). When young(er), did you ever envision anything like the present reality of yourself and everything else?

Never imagined this crap. I always imagined wearing business suits and sitting around oval tables 😅  nothing else

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I don't know how to explain. I mean, I'm sure there's a word for it but idk what it is.

In my heart, I know I need top surgery if I'm ever going to feel like myself but I also know I'm never going to have enough money to do it even if it's covered by insurance. 

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30 minutes ago, DialAForAlan said:

I don't know how to explain. I mean, I'm sure there's a word for it but idk what it is.

In my heart, I know I need top surgery if I'm ever going to feel like myself but I also know I'm never going to have enough money to do it even if it's covered by insurance. 

Hugs, my friend.  I am sorry I can't offer you anything else.  I wish I could cut a check to help you feel whole.  But please know that we are with you!!!!!!!!

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Posted (edited)
14 minutes ago, salparadise6132 said:

Hugs, my friend.  I am sorry I can't offer you anything else.  I wish I could cut a check to help you feel whole.  But please know that we are with you!!!!!!!!

Thank you so much. Honestly, hearing about other people who want to and/or can transition leaves me feeling jealous in ways it shouldn't because of this.

Edited by DialAForAlan

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Ok, I went out with my friends for the first time and actually felt like myself again. There were times when the dark cloud would come back and I'd zone out a bit. But overall it was a good distraction and I'm just glad that I've done it. I need to see the world out there to remember that theres something to fight for. 

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It's another day of my family treating me like crap.  I put out the effort with them and one of them even had the nerve to run from our conversation.  I hate them all.  It's time for the hardest part of my sobriety choosing my family and creating my own family and telling my real family to go to hell.

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Tired. I'm on such a weird schedule now. I sleep at night but not the whole night. I wake up really early, wait til the sun rises, take a walk and then hang out with my husband til he goes to work. Then I sleep the rest of the day and get up again in the evening. It's a nice way to avoid the heat at least. And I always sleep better during the day because I'm more relaxed and less likely to ruminate.

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The tired is catching up with me.  Went out and caught up with a few friends yesterday afternoon, even as the heat - but not yet the humidity - is starting to assert itself for summer.  Always love catching up with them and, well, the gossip.  Plus a few good pix I edited last night.

I'm nevertheless feeling the legs today.  So I'm staying put.  Windows closed.  A/C on.  I look back at the past week and it's no wonder...my medical treatment on Monday in the midst of some unnecessary drawn out drama that didn't resolve until the next day.  Aw, hell.  I'm jus' plain tired.  Back to bed.

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Bad day today. I Need to stop talking about things because I cannot articulate myself like I used to which in turn makes me more angry. People just think I hate everything or I take myself too seriously I don't. "You're so negative".

I Don't think I have the guts to apply myself and I feel cast aside by society but I'm not helping myself and I know I could have it so much worse. I have somewhere to live and I have the foundations to try and sort myself out but I don't. Suicide doesn't give me much comfort these days because I don't think I could bring myself to do it.

I used to live for one day having a loving relationship whatever that is. I used to dream about it as a kid. These days I have no interest in that at all, it's so far from my mind and has been for the last 3 years. Not helped by previous embarrassing sexual encounters, I have rendered myself sexually incompetent. 

 

 

 

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21 hours ago, anon22ae said:

Feeling like I don't belong in this world (or this timeline). When young(er), did you ever envision anything like the present reality of yourself and everything else?

I had this image of myself being "successful" and "well off". Not to mention happy.

I'll be 60 this year and I feel dejected, poor, and miserable. I stick around for my adult daughter. Well, and my cats. Otherwise...

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3 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I stick around to talk to myself and look through mom's stuff and go farther into madness each day.  I guess I'm stubborn or stupid.  Almost everyone would have left by now in my situation but I'm an idiot.

I'm an idiot too. I "could" be a successful guy who has really done something with his life. Instead, I'm this pathetic loser who wastes everyone else's time and resources.

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52 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

I'm an idiot too. I "could" be a successful guy who has really done something with his life. Instead, I'm this pathetic loser who wastes everyone else's time and resources.

I could be successful too.  It's hard to do less than I have at 40.  As far as I've come I'm still the black sheep of the family.

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