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How Do You Feel Right Now #10


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I feel so stressed. I just want to sleep all day tomorrow. But I plan to keep my mind busy by pushing myself to do something productive perhaps. Maybe buy tickets for a music event or something- just anything to get me to escape honestly

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I am nervous. Seeing my closest mates for the first time today since September. I'm trying to forgive them, and take into account that they have no idea what it's like. 

Still so much has changed. I'm basically going for coffee with some strangers. I don't know if seeing them will make me feel better or worse. 

I stayed up all night yesterday just thinking about things. 

 

Edited by Soarsie18
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Today I discovered a video on youtube of my past and people I knew.
I've lost all those people because of my depression, anxiety and schizoid behaviour.

Sure, I did experience positive memories and feelings when watching that video, but I realised that it's a lost cause.

I feel like sh** now. Good times ain't coming back. It's only going to get worse.

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Feel like I want to go somewhere but you have to have money to do anything. Im not going to start a relationship just to be able to go somewhere so I guess I'll be here for the rest of my life. Slaving away just to have a place to sleep and eat. I don't like booze so food it is!

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28 minutes ago, anon22ae said:

Feeling like I don't belong in this world (or this timeline). When young(er), did you ever envision anything like the present reality of yourself and everything else?

I've always felt that way.  I feel like there is probably life on many planets and I was brought to the wrong planet.  It's like this is a planet of only cats and I'm the only dog.  I'm never going to be a cat.  I'm never going to be like anyone else no matter how hard I try.  I feel like an alien that has just arrived every day.  Nothing makes sense and I don't enjoy anything most people enjoy.

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

The stress of my life got the best of me that's for sure.  I'm ok today but nobody would want to see me the days I was missing from here.  

Sorry you have been having some extra tough times. I was just thinking that you hadnt posted for a while and was to write to see if you were ok. You were missed.....

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I thought that I was having a good day today but got steadily more snippy as the day went on, then got home and had to face the fact that he isn't here and totally broke down crying. Just want to hide in bed and never come out again, or even better go join him.

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3 hours ago, anon22ae said:

Feeling like I don't belong in this world (or this timeline). When young(er), did you ever envision anything like the present reality of yourself and everything else?

Never imagined this crap. I always imagined wearing business suits and sitting around oval tables 😅  nothing else

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I don't know how to explain. I mean, I'm sure there's a word for it but idk what it is.

In my heart, I know I need top surgery if I'm ever going to feel like myself but I also know I'm never going to have enough money to do it even if it's covered by insurance. 

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30 minutes ago, DialAForAlan said:

I don't know how to explain. I mean, I'm sure there's a word for it but idk what it is.

In my heart, I know I need top surgery if I'm ever going to feel like myself but I also know I'm never going to have enough money to do it even if it's covered by insurance. 

Hugs, my friend.  I am sorry I can't offer you anything else.  I wish I could cut a check to help you feel whole.  But please know that we are with you!!!!!!!!

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14 minutes ago, salparadise6132 said:

Hugs, my friend.  I am sorry I can't offer you anything else.  I wish I could cut a check to help you feel whole.  But please know that we are with you!!!!!!!!

Thank you so much. Honestly, hearing about other people who want to and/or can transition leaves me feeling jealous in ways it shouldn't because of this.

Edited by DialAForAlan
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Ok, I went out with my friends for the first time and actually felt like myself again. There were times when the dark cloud would come back and I'd zone out a bit. But overall it was a good distraction and I'm just glad that I've done it. I need to see the world out there to remember that theres something to fight for. 

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