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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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9 hours ago, salparadise6132 said:

@Camellia You don't owe anyone on that forum anything, except the truth you feel inside yourself.  Love yourself first and foremost and don't play a role in that forum, or anywhere. Don't worry if they think your a … whatever.  You weren't feeling supported there.  It's that simple.  Your feelings are what matters.  That is on them, not you! 

You know what matters the most?  @Camellia and her feelings and inner-peace.

That's what.

Big hugs!!!!!!!

 

@salparadise6132      Thank you so much. I will remember all your advice. I will remember that my feelings comes first, and to love myself first. I also copied your advice into my notepad for my guidance.

  Yes, I don’t feel supported there.  I just want to feel that I have a family. That’s all. Tears.

 My mind often tells me that it’s better to be an orphan rather than having a family but they can’t "see" you. It hurts a lot.

  Thank you again for your advice. I will try not to post there again as original poster, except to respond to their posts once in a while, just to tell them that I’m not distance myself away from them. A child who forget or hurt their parents and family will be in hell, I heard that thing from my family while growing up.

Thank you again @salparadise6132 and everyone in here. You have given me strength. You really do.

 Big hugs.   

 

Edited by Camellia

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Ugh. I cannot sleep. My fiance woke up to turn on his phone alarm, so now I cannot sleep. I am filled with worry about work (as usual), but I have literally 7 days of work until my wedding/honeymoon so I'm going to try and think about that instead -- a much happier thought! 

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Conflicted, I'm spending the day tomorrow with my Ex, got her two tickets to be a Zookeeper for the day at Christmas

She says she doesn't want to go with anyone else

#sighs#

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6 hours ago, Camellia said:

I just want to feel that I have a family.

@Camellia You have to make your own family, if you want to feel valued those related by blood are just that relatives. A family should be made-up of people who love and support you.  By all means just answer their post, but go and seek your FAMILY elsewhere.

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5 hours ago, Soarsie18 said:

I just want to stay in bed. I don’t have the will in me to do some more work today, but I have to

@Soarsie18 you can't just stay in bed, you have a world to conquer and people to show how things are done. I know things are wearing but you are strong and the end is insight, you can do this!

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5 hours ago, Ratvan said:

Conflicted, I'm spending the day tomorrow with my Ex, got her two tickets to be a Zookeeper for the day at Christmas

I hope that it turns out to be an okay day and that neither of you end-up getting hurt.

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2 minutes ago, Tears_Always said:

I hope that it turns out to be an okay day and that neither of you end-up getting hurt.

Well we each have a choice of 2.5 hours with either Meerkats or BIrds of Prey. I want an Eagle, or a really tiny knackered Hawk that huffs all the time

Doubt we will spend much time actually together,. Apart from the drive there and back

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1 hour ago, Tears_Always said:

@Soarsie18 you can't just stay in bed, you have a world to conquer and people to show how things are done. I know things are wearing but you are strong and the end is insight, you can do this!

thank you :) I'M UP

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I had a stressful meeting last night and I'm pretty sure I flubbed my presentation. Of course I spent the entire night wide awake thinking of every last little detail I forgot while I was in front of the group. Because of insomnia, I'm a zombie today. Fortunately, the boss will be at other meetings most of the day so I won't have to worry about him storming into my area without warning.

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Trying not to feel uneasy about taking rest today.  In the broader scheme, I've had a lot on my plate since the 11th.  Much has been resolved and I've even managed some good activities for myself.  Even managed a unique, rare photo opp with the airport yesterday I didn't expect and none of my former colleagues was able to cover, though I should have been resting instead of racing around for good positioning of dynamic subjects.

My legs, in particular, are still recovering from the week.  And I have a very heavy day tomorrow.  (At least one of those things includes a haircut, thank goodness...that always helps).  But for these 24 hours...meh.  To hell with it.  Body needs recovery time.

What's still nipping at the back of my mind is that I SHOULD be able to do more.  Wellllll, I can't.  Without paying a physical price.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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Resentful, bitter, angry.  Wishing that I did not ruminate as much.  Wishing that my mind had better excess pressure blow off valves.  

Grateful to have a steady job.  Grateful to be ahead financially.

Scared to know how fast it can all come crashing down.  

I feel sometimes like I am flying nap of the earth in a supersonic aircraft with damaged avionics.  I am not hurt but can lose everything in a dammed instant.

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Feelin' a li'l accomplished.  Some folks fr the airline in question yesterday have picked up on my pix on social media and responded favorably.  Not a biggie in The Great Scheme of Things, but a little bit of validation that made me feel good today.

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3 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

Empty because nothing ever helps or changes..

Same. I don’t understand why it’s the same vicious cycle over and over again 😞 

I’m still having problems waking up in the morning. I lay around in bed hating my life and hating yesterday and hating today and hating tomorrow, then I end up late for work. Every. Single. Day. I hate myself.

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11 hours ago, Ratvan said:

Well we each have a choice of 2.5 hours with either Meerkats or BIrds of Prey. I want an Eagle, or a really tiny knackered Hawk that huffs all the time

Doubt we will spend much time actually together,. Apart from the drive there and back

Sounds like fun..

I wish the zoo here in Richmond had a program like that.

I'd ask for the black mamba ☠️⚰️

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Today is a good day. I was productive and cleaned the living room, it less chaos now, and loud music.

Got results from the doctor yesterday saying that bloodwise I'm as normal as I can be. And he ordered me to find a councilor within two weeks. Kinda scared about that part. He didn't flinch or look at me like I was bad when I let slip I still self harm, he was just concerned. (I relapsed a month ago after 6 months of none.) The older I get the more i realize that no one cares as long as i get the job done.  But I have two days off in a row and I so needed them. I am even going to try anti depressants again. The last time i was on them it took away my creativity. I need that to live.  But I am having more bad days that are lasting longer then good days, and I am tired of being strong on my own. Already isolated myself a long time ago, so I'm on my own.

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Nervous about my gyno appointment this afternoon. This will be my first one with a new doctor, so of course it's going to rain and thunder on and off all morning and into the afternoon. If there's anything I hate more than driving, it's driving to a new place AND during a rainstorm. I just told my husband I'm not going; he says he'll pay for the Uber. Still nervous though as it's going to be a new place with a new doctor, and I don't new things. And every doctor I've had in the last ten years has been a disappointment. I hate going to doctors and I hate bad news. Sigh.

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