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How Do You Feel Right Now #10


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@CoffeeAddict103

I wish I could sort my problems head on, but for the moment I’m trapped and can’t change anything. So to cope I keep myself distracted. That way, most of the time I feel numb. Better than hurting. It’s good that you got out to see a friend today, The best kind of distraction imo.

I hope your week isn’t as bad as you’re imagining it to be.

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Somewhat calmer.  Managed a long nap this afternoon.

I've tried to offset any anxiety by scanning a half dozen pages of communication from the landlord, drafting some comments, and sending it all off to my attorney.  I want him to have as complete a picture as possible.

Have my monthly draw and shots first thing in the morning with a very supportive NP.  I've already planned not to push the subsequent 36 hours considering the hell of the past ten days.

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1 minute ago, Rattler6 said:

Angry and impulsive and smart enough not to act on those feelings.  Kind of lonely.

From my POV that kind of control, when I've had it, is a significant victory for me...which kinda speaks to my last ten days.  Oh, it's probably not gonna feel like it to me for a while and my own current loneliness makes it all the worse.  Somehow, it sounds like we're both hanging on, at least.  Wish I had stronger finger nails.

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6 hours ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

It certainly is better than hurting. I do find whenever I'm in a routine daily my mental health is better for it keeping myself motivated and having the energy is another story. I didn't mean to sound condescending by the way when I said  "people avoiding problems"  that wasn't aimed at you.

I think distraction is the key and its an option I too often have avoided. Even getting out of the house, changing my surroundings, or helping my mum with chores around the house

No not condescending at all. You're right. I have absolutely no energy, no motivation. If you asked me what have I been doing over the past few weeks, I honestly wouldn't be able to answer. My mind is blank. 

I don't think distraction helps the cause of you're problems, but it certainly helps pass the time. 

And sometimes it takes time for things to change in life, so if it helps you get through that then it's good. Certainly is one of the better coping mechanisms.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to look back at this time in my life and think I completely wasted it. Which is kind of true. But honestly I don't feel there's anything that I could be doing different, so I'll try not hate myself later on.

It's good that you're getting out of the house, that makes a huge difference, thats something that I'm still trying to work on myself.

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Just ended a meeting and it went quite well, cos I didn’t talk much. The rest talked for me. And before the meeting I had a minor panic attack and had to leave the office for an hour so that nobody saw me. There are a few more meetings this week and next, cos we are taking on a project I’m supposed to organise, which absolutely scares me cos I can’t talk! But I don’t know how to tell my boss and I’m doing my best to just endure this. I’m afraid, but I’m hanging on, but I’m afraid 😞

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I feel hungover from eating too much yesterday.  I need to walk some of this off this morning.  I'm not going to feel bad about it though.  I enjoyed the holiday and I feel pretty good for the most part today.  The next couple of months are going to be very hard but there is hope if I keep a positive attitude about things I should have a very good life this summer.

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Still hating work. My boss keeps postponing the meeting. But I talked to coworkers and they are frustrated too. I was feeling like the lone ranger on Friday.

My stress level keeps ramping up because so much crap is pivoting on me right now.

I used to steam clean big diesel engines. It didn't pay that well but it was a very satisfying job. No stress to speak of and I was generally alone. Nobody else wanted to crawl down into the "grease pit".

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do you ever miss people from your past? when i used to be better, i had friends..now most of them left me and i isolated too so i have no one. i had a dream last night that i went to see my friend....i doubt she cares for me anymore she moved on with her husband and kids..life's so strange..i guess its better she's not in my life..if it was meant to be she would be..?

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Empty and pointless.

Does anyone else feel that everything and I mean EVERYTHING has already been said and done?

That anything I or anyone else says or does is superfluous and utterly pointless?

That is where I am now, indeed where I have been for quite a while now.

The longer I live, the less point I see in connecting with other people.

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Feeling motivated to dig myself out of this hole. I'm gonna get those grades despite everything turning against me. 

I'm getting hyped up on music whilst writing out chemical reactions. Have written about a 100 of them today, which is basically the most fun I can experience right now :)

Edited by Soarsie18
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2 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

Empty and pointless.

Does anyone else feel that everything and I mean EVERYTHING has already been said and done?

That anything I or anyone else says or does is superfluous and utterly pointless?

That is where I am now, indeed where I have been for quite a while now.

The longer I live, the less point I see in connecting with other people.

I feel exactly the way you do.  Most people's lives are like the movie Groundhog Day.  Most of us talk to the same people day after day and do the same things over and over.  I don't have any idea how someone can do this for over 100 years and still have a smile on their face.

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2 hours ago, Tears_Always said:

feeling like I killed him.

aww Tears, it's so easy to blame yourself when they depend on you so much. But you have to remember how much you loved him, and the amazing life you gave him. You did that.

It's still very fresh now, so it's hard to think of the good memories, but they will come back to you one day. 

Regardless of how you feel, you were there for him when he was very ill and needed you the most. There isn't much more we can do other than love them and be there for them. 

Edited by Soarsie18
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Relieved.  Things are a lot quieter.

Despite the monthly multiple needle session with the doc this morning, then got on the phone with my attorney to hash out the landlord situation.  He agreed with much of my take on it, details of which I won't go into here.  He thought it was potentially salvageable if I kept any talk of counsel out of it and approach the landlord based on our friendship and history.

Landlord and I ended up having a 1½-2 hour conversation in my living room.  He's, of course, under some financial pressure to sell.  But we both went into detail about how the Week from Hell had stressed us both out.  He was so exhausted after a week of 1-2 showings daily and a particularly demanding buyer who'd kept insisting on multiple inspections - he eventually told the buyer to p*ss off - he just couldn't fight a pushy realtor determined that I was an encumbrance.  I was so stressed, I reacted by bunkering.  He said he regretted withdrawing the offer.

He's not the kind to do this, but it's an indication to me that our friendship is intact.  He started to cry as we talked.  He just doesn't do that.  One issue he mentioned is that, with all of his friends having moved out of state, I'm about the only one left with whom he can share his personal struggles.  I'll just say that they're the kinds of struggles we share here on DF.

While he does have a contract, it's contingent on a lengthy inspection Friday.  He reiterated he was determined to protect me, even exacting a condition from the purchaser that I'd be ok here at least thru August.  If the deal falls through, we're back on the six-month extension to the lease.  He's also just as fed up with the realtor as I am.  Again, should the deal fall through, he's laying down some ground rules to curb the realtor's impulses.

I'm calmer than I've been in a week.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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Today was my birthday, and unfortunately it was one of my ‘sad’ years. Since I was in middle school, I have become depressed on certain birthdays for no particular reason. I think as a kid, being the center of attention made me feel lonely. This year I think it was because I didn’t think I was having as much ‘fun’ as I thought I should be. I visited my sister and brother in the city yesterday for the occasion, and had fun. I think there is simply not as much fun to be had in the suburbs. I feel better now, though. 

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