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How Do You Feel Right Now #10


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Conflicted.  An odd 24 hours struggling for my mental health.  Little sleep last night and figuring I could really eff over my landlord by offing myself as revenge.  Yeah, I know how that sounds, but I have to be honest here about where my thoughts have gone in my worst moments.  This whole situation with him is really screwing with my mental health...and, honestly, I don't know quite what to do.  I'm bouncing between, "When you don't know what to do, do nothing," and doing something.

Too much cloud cover to get moon shots at dawn, which just kept me in the hole.  Some activity like that was supposed to help me OUT of the hole.  So I shut down most of the day.

Later, however, skies cleared a bit and the effort to get outside was a little easier, but still an effort.  Continuous anxiety attack as I ventured out, too.  Nevertheless, got a least a few interesting shots I was able to edit nicely.  Guess I'll call it a brief respite.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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Feeling awful seems I have managed to scare off the two people in my life that I thought of as friends. It seems like I am very good at this every time I think I have made a connection I am wrong or manage to mess it up. I guess it is no wonder why I am all alone and always will be, I can't keep digital friends it is stupid of me to think that I might one day have real friends. 

Then I wonder why I am missing him so much, he never got mad at me when I was low or sad, when I said the wrong thing. But in the end I let him down too and now he is gone and I have to live with that. Why did it have to be him, it should have been me I am the one who has no value and can't do anything right.

Edited by Tears_Always
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Anxious, in the bad sense and the good sense. It's Easter and we're spending the afternoon at my sister's ordering in and I made a cake. But between then and now I don't know if I'll get any sleep. In a way, it doesn't matter since my dad agreed to pick us up tomorrow so I won't have to drive. I should try to work out since I'm still up but I waited too long and now I'm feeling lazy and slightly achy. Will probably watch TV all night.

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13 hours ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

Thought  id enjoy the weekend alone but it's Saturday and it's just dawned on me how alone I am. Most of my old friends have got kids and are married and naturally people move on. I am no better than when I was 16 in fact I had money then, I had a job, I had a future to look forwards to. But then It dawns on me I have no one but myself to blame, because you have to go for opportunities in this world, and I do nothing.

The plan was to have a few beers tonight in front of a film but I woke up this morning feeling like I've been hit by a truck and have continued to feel the same way all day. My glands in my neck are swollen and have been for months which concerns me. Today they are particularly bad. My joints ache bad and I'm struggling to walk up the stairs.

I am convinced of rhematoid arthritis but doctors cannot find out on my blood work. I've always been a hypocondriac but my lifestyle sucks. 

I feel like an old man. 

 

 

@CoffeeAddict103

Twenty-eight years ago, I started experiencing swollen joints and pain. I saw a Rhuematologist who did blood work that didn't show any thing, was told it was just plain old arthritis. fast forward to 12 years ago, having sever pain and swelling, blood work still shows nothing, new Rheumatologist had orthopedic doctor do a arthroscopy and have the fluid from knee tested and there finally the Rheumatoid Factor showed up, but I am weird because I don't have the typical swelling (both joints at the same time), my right knee may swell and the left fingers. I tried taking the drugs prescribed by I could barely function. So I stopped drug therapy (doc hated that!), started walking regularly and only take Aleve or Tynenol when the pain hits, use heat/ice for the swelling. Some days are more painful but I hate taking drugs that leave me feeling like crap.

I have noticed that with the depression/anxiety, I am a hypochondriac. For the past 3 days, I keep looking up the symptoms for appendicitis, since this pain started in my right side and i won't go to the doctor for the ulcer that I think I have because I won't believe her when she says nothing is wrong. 

 

 

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Families that don't have Easter dinner

Smh :no: :stare:  I won't be going to some people's funerals in the near future because it don't matter. Nothing matters in this family. Go on and die because you don't exist anyway. 

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Better today, and once I get back to my routine at home, I'll feel even better. Depression isn't doing me any favors right now. I took my quiz yesterday and did well. I just have a few summaries and essays to write today/tonight after work, and I'll be done with the week. Two more case studies, two more quizzes, three more exams, and then finals week, and I'll be done with the semester. 🙂 I'll make it. The material this summer will be easier, but more condensed.

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I've been talking to "myself" and have been lost in my own little world all morning and I will continue to be in my own little world lost until the very moment I arrive and open the door at my aunt's house at 12:30 to celebrate Easter and then like a light switch I will be able to pretend to be normal for a while.

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Resolved and content, at least about this: The more I think about delaying school, the more it makes sense. I need to get over this health issue and bank a lot of money before I jump into a school program. In all likelihood, I'll end up in a different place because of transportation. I thought about it, and I'm not comfortable taking the risk that my current living situation will hold up. I need to be able to hold myself up first. And get into a program in a better location and start school there. I'm not worried about finding work. I never have a problem with that. (I did in one city where I lived when I was in college before, but that was because of nepotism.) It's finding work near school and home that can be tricky. I'll figure it out. I've done it before. 🙂 

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1 hour ago, Extremebeginner said:

Can I please just be born again today?

I couldn’t be happier if this happened to me. I’d want to carry everything I’ve learned by now into my new life though. Would be absolute torture having to relive my mistakes for a second time.

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4 hours ago, sober4life said:

and then like a light switch I will be able to pretend to be normal for a while.

I'm very much like that.  So much so that it's become an automatic, almost natural, reaction.  idk if that's a blessing or a curse.

On one hand, it conveys the impression I'm functional.  In fact, in that respect that's absolutely true in the moment.  Believe me, I have no idea where that strength comes from.  otoh, I don't feel like it's being true to myself.  It's a survival technique that has nothing to do with how I'm feeling.  I do it b/c I'm scared of how people would react - i.e., badly - if I was genuine.  Def an Achilles' heel for me.

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7 hours ago, nojoy said:

I have noticed that with the depression/anxiety, I am a hypochondriac.

For those like us who already struggle with multiple health issues, the depression/anxiety isn't doing us any favors.  I'm much in the same boat, particularly the past 5-6 years with multiple hospitalizations.  Some kind of pain is a constant companion.

Therefore, when something new or more intense shows up, I find myself wondering, "ok, NOW what's wrong with me?"  And now that you made me think about it a bit, the so-called hypochondria may in fact be a natural reaction while we still juggle our respective maladies.  At least, that's what makes sense to me.

Gonna toss a curve ball at you, too.  Your perspective just helped me a lot.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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Feeling maybe a glimmer of hope.  Just received a call from a former client, an attorney, who I want to examine my lease situation.  Considering the effin' anxiety I've had since the landlord rescinded his renewal offer Thursday, this is having an outsized effect on my frame of mind.  Hell, I'll take it.

Maybe it's a fleeting feeling, but I'm glad I've NOT reacted to this landlord's insanity and have kept my cool.  Under the circumstances, that's a huge personal accomplishment.  I'm just relieved I now have someone in MY corner for a change.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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1 hour ago, MarkintheDark said:

I'm very much like that.  So much so that it's become an automatic, almost natural, reaction.  idk if that's a blessing or a curse.

On one hand, it conveys the impression I'm functional.  In fact, in that respect that's absolutely true in the moment.  Believe me, I have no idea where that strength comes from.  otoh, I don't feel like it's being true to myself.  It's a survival technique that has nothing to do with how I'm feeling.  I do it b/c I'm scared of how people would react - i.e., badly - if I was genuine.  Def an Achilles' heel for me.

Yes I've always had that survival technique in me.  It's the only reason I've made it this far.  I have a strong survivor inside of me that was born because I've always had to live my life around people that forced it to be born.  Things went well today.  I said what I had to say and a lot of the time tuned them out and watched the birds at the bird feeder to get some peace.  They are all nuts and go into long rants about religion or politics and my mind just shuts off and I watch the birds and pretend I'm somewhere happy and free to survive it.

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I think I'm finally at peace in this life.  I know how to survive this mess now and today if I'm being honest is the first day I want to survive it.  I am a big softy.  I've been crying over mom's flower all week and today it did bloom and I'm choosing to believe it's a sign from mom to fight and get a good life.  It might sound crazy to some but it's what I have to believe.  I'm crying when I'm typing this but I miss mom very much and I want to make her proud.  She was the best mom I could have asked for and I want to make her proud and if there is a heaven I want to earn my way to see her again.❤️

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Sinking like a stone. The weekend is fading and a bad week is on deck. I will be having it out with the boss first thing tomorrow morning. I sent him a long email on Friday about how I think he's wrong. I've argued with him about this issue many times already but it's like arguing with a voicemail message. I've simply had it.

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