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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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I just want to let everybody know that I am grateful for the support weshare with each other. No amount of meds or self care could prevent mefrom crying about my life, I know it won’t change things but I am sure that crying actually counts as a feeling. The upside is that I experienced a feeling, even if it was completly not what I wanted

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@salparadise6132 Thank you. What's funny is I'm a preschool teacher and I can tell you how everything affects a child's development but when it comes to myself , all I see/feel is the pain I dealt with growing up. Makes me a good teacher as I can understand the child's behaviors , but it hurts even more that I cannot remove that child from his pain (or slap the parent up side the head & say grow the H** up & be the parent not the child's best friend!) Don't misunderstand I'm mandated by law to report physical/sexual abuse but there are no marks/scars for emotional/mental abuse and it is very hard to prove emotional/mental abuse.

@watalife I'll take crazy over sad. I have no more tears to cry this holiday. at least with crazy, I can hide under the covers till its over.

May we all find peace.

 

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17 hours ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

Yea you should come over to Singapore, if the event was longer.. I’m really going with strangers and like I said, I’m not a fan lol. I just spend community days at home cos there’s a pokestop right near my house so although I don’t get much, its still something. Raids are so tough cos need 10 people to take it down.. till now I still don’t have a Ho-Oh.. But it’s still useful to avoid people when walking.. that’s the one thing I love about it.. if not I really just want to quit.. I quit things when it becomes an addiction.. but now it becomes like a need too.. having such mixed feelings..

It's very brave of you to go out with strangers! I'm too much of a coward to do that. Most of my legendaries are from weekly research tasks, so still missing a lot.

I do understand what you mean about quitting. Sometimes I want to as well. I was never a big Pokemon fan and there's probably more productive things I can be doing. But it does get me to walk outside since I don't live near any Pokestops. I also spent so much time on the game I feel it would be a waste to give up now.

Singapore is a lovely city, so at least you have nice scenery to be around while playing (maybe a bit too hot tho lol) 😀

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Posted (edited)

Thought  id enjoy the weekend alone but it's Saturday and it's just dawned on me how alone I am. Most of my old friends have got kids and are married and naturally people move on. I am no better than when I was 16 in fact I had money then, I had a job, I had a future to look forwards to. But then It dawns on me I have no one but myself to blame, because you have to go for opportunities in this world, and I do nothing.

The plan was to have a few beers tonight in front of a film but I woke up this morning feeling like I've been hit by a truck and have continued to feel the same way all day. My glands in my neck are swollen and have been for months which concerns me. Today they are particularly bad. My joints ache bad and I'm struggling to walk up the stairs.

I am convinced of rhematoid arthritis but doctors cannot find out on my blood work. I've always been a hypocondriac but my lifestyle sucks. 

I feel like an old man. 

 

 

Edited by CoffeeAddict103

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Posted (edited)

@CoffeeAddict103

Fridays and saturdays are always the worst for me. I make sure i’m busy every hour of the day just so that i’m distracted from how lonely I am. Those are the days when you should be living it up, and seeing other people live their lives is a constant reminder that you aren’t.

My life is so different from what I want it to be, and for now theres nothing I can do about it 😪

Edited by Soarsie18

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Posted (edited)

Conflicted.  An odd 24 hours struggling for my mental health.  Little sleep last night and figuring I could really eff over my landlord by offing myself as revenge.  Yeah, I know how that sounds, but I have to be honest here about where my thoughts have gone in my worst moments.  This whole situation with him is really screwing with my mental health...and, honestly, I don't know quite what to do.  I'm bouncing between, "When you don't know what to do, do nothing," and doing something.

Too much cloud cover to get moon shots at dawn, which just kept me in the hole.  Some activity like that was supposed to help me OUT of the hole.  So I shut down most of the day.

Later, however, skies cleared a bit and the effort to get outside was a little easier, but still an effort.  Continuous anxiety attack as I ventured out, too.  Nevertheless, got a least a few interesting shots I was able to edit nicely.  Guess I'll call it a brief respite.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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Posted (edited)

Feeling awful seems I have managed to scare off the two people in my life that I thought of as friends. It seems like I am very good at this every time I think I have made a connection I am wrong or manage to mess it up. I guess it is no wonder why I am all alone and always will be, I can't keep digital friends it is stupid of me to think that I might one day have real friends. 

Then I wonder why I am missing him so much, he never got mad at me when I was low or sad, when I said the wrong thing. But in the end I let him down too and now he is gone and I have to live with that. Why did it have to be him, it should have been me I am the one who has no value and can't do anything right.

Edited by Tears_Always

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Anxious, in the bad sense and the good sense. It's Easter and we're spending the afternoon at my sister's ordering in and I made a cake. But between then and now I don't know if I'll get any sleep. In a way, it doesn't matter since my dad agreed to pick us up tomorrow so I won't have to drive. I should try to work out since I'm still up but I waited too long and now I'm feeling lazy and slightly achy. Will probably watch TV all night.

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13 hours ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

Thought  id enjoy the weekend alone but it's Saturday and it's just dawned on me how alone I am. Most of my old friends have got kids and are married and naturally people move on. I am no better than when I was 16 in fact I had money then, I had a job, I had a future to look forwards to. But then It dawns on me I have no one but myself to blame, because you have to go for opportunities in this world, and I do nothing.

The plan was to have a few beers tonight in front of a film but I woke up this morning feeling like I've been hit by a truck and have continued to feel the same way all day. My glands in my neck are swollen and have been for months which concerns me. Today they are particularly bad. My joints ache bad and I'm struggling to walk up the stairs.

I am convinced of rhematoid arthritis but doctors cannot find out on my blood work. I've always been a hypocondriac but my lifestyle sucks. 

I feel like an old man. 

 

 

@CoffeeAddict103

Twenty-eight years ago, I started experiencing swollen joints and pain. I saw a Rhuematologist who did blood work that didn't show any thing, was told it was just plain old arthritis. fast forward to 12 years ago, having sever pain and swelling, blood work still shows nothing, new Rheumatologist had orthopedic doctor do a arthroscopy and have the fluid from knee tested and there finally the Rheumatoid Factor showed up, but I am weird because I don't have the typical swelling (both joints at the same time), my right knee may swell and the left fingers. I tried taking the drugs prescribed by I could barely function. So I stopped drug therapy (doc hated that!), started walking regularly and only take Aleve or Tynenol when the pain hits, use heat/ice for the swelling. Some days are more painful but I hate taking drugs that leave me feeling like crap.

I have noticed that with the depression/anxiety, I am a hypochondriac. For the past 3 days, I keep looking up the symptoms for appendicitis, since this pain started in my right side and i won't go to the doctor for the ulcer that I think I have because I won't believe her when she says nothing is wrong. 

 

 

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Families that don't have Easter dinner

Smh :no: :stare:  I won't be going to some people's funerals in the near future because it don't matter. Nothing matters in this family. Go on and die because you don't exist anyway. 

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Better today, and once I get back to my routine at home, I'll feel even better. Depression isn't doing me any favors right now. I took my quiz yesterday and did well. I just have a few summaries and essays to write today/tonight after work, and I'll be done with the week. Two more case studies, two more quizzes, three more exams, and then finals week, and I'll be done with the semester. 🙂 I'll make it. The material this summer will be easier, but more condensed.

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I've been talking to "myself" and have been lost in my own little world all morning and I will continue to be in my own little world lost until the very moment I arrive and open the door at my aunt's house at 12:30 to celebrate Easter and then like a light switch I will be able to pretend to be normal for a while.

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Resolved and content, at least about this: The more I think about delaying school, the more it makes sense. I need to get over this health issue and bank a lot of money before I jump into a school program. In all likelihood, I'll end up in a different place because of transportation. I thought about it, and I'm not comfortable taking the risk that my current living situation will hold up. I need to be able to hold myself up first. And get into a program in a better location and start school there. I'm not worried about finding work. I never have a problem with that. (I did in one city where I lived when I was in college before, but that was because of nepotism.) It's finding work near school and home that can be tricky. I'll figure it out. I've done it before. 🙂 

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Can I please just be born again today? I dont know what I would do different when I was younger to be better now, but it might be better than just keep going in the hope that I will overcome this acute anxiety and depression which set in hard at Christmas.

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