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How Do You Feel Right Now #10


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I don't know how to feel, angry and annoyed I guess ?

Both my Aunts have got us easter chocolates. I don't know how to feel about that. I guess they wanted to make sure that their kids got chocolates from us too. 

I know they don't care about me, but hearing them trying to convince people that they do just makes me sick. They have no idea what I've been through. And they have absolutely no interest in knowing either. 

When I was suicidal a few months ago my mum asked my Aunt to send an email to me, apologising for sending that letter to my psychiatrist. And guess what. My Aunt refused to apologise. Yet now, my whole family goes on about 'how much everyone cares about me' - bull....

They tell people that I'm 'stressed over exams'. Oh if only it were that bad. If only it were that temporary. 

They have no idea that I am on anti-depressants and haven't been able to leave the house in at least 6 months. 

I just want them gone. 

Them undermining and not caring about what I've been through only makes me question myself. Am I overreacting ? should I be able to cope better ? Am I making a big deal over nothing ?

They are damaging me, all to make themselves look like saints. 

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@Soarsie18, you have the right to feel the way you do.  You are not overreacting and you're not making a big deal about anything.  I've read your other posts and to be as young as you are, I think you are handling life  well for someone who has depression and I admire you for talking about your life.

When I was young, I was told there was nothing wrong with me that couldn't be cure with hard work. So I hid that depression and put on a fake face and tried to please everyone.  I still do that, but I am learning that I have the right to feel what I feel and if I chose to hide from the world I can.

Your parents sound like they want to help but don't know how and your aunt is telling them what they should do and is making things worst.  Some people have to put others down to make themselves feel good. Sounds your aunt is one of those people.

You do not need anyone's permission or approval to feel the way you do. You do not need anyone's permission or approval to cry or hide when you want or need to. 

Hang in there, young lady. Keep posting and remember you have touched my life and for that I am grateful.❤️

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I'm sick of my Aunt and Uncle acting as if they are 'holier than thou' at church. If only the church members knew what they were like to other people. My Aunt hasn't once tried to contact me in the last 2 years, despite everything that's been going on. Failing exams, getting an offer, turning 18. I was the one to reach out to her when I needed help this year. When my other Aunt had turned against me, I contacted her, wanting someone to talk to, and she said 'That she and her husband had enough problems to deal with themselves. That they couldn't take part in an 'argument' (as she described it) on top of that" "And then as if to rub it in my face, she said, "we are just very private people, that don't make a fuss when things are going on" - making out as if I'm just trying to draw attention to myself. 

And despite her saying that she 'doesn't want to be involved in an argument' She did get involved with my other Aunt. And has backed her and that letter she sent all this time. Even attacking me and my mum for saying that it was wrong of her to send it. 

They are liars. 

My other Aunt is a doctor. She thinks she knows everything. When I became too much competition for her daughter, she wanted me gone. But at the same time, she didn't want people to blame her for kicking me out. So she decided to write a letter to my psychiatrist, stating that I have deep rooted problems (autism, OCD, emotional detachment) and thats why I couldn't stay with them any longer. 

She sacrificed me to save her daughter and herself. 

And that's ok. I've come to accept that. But don't ever try and pretend that you care for me. 

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5 minutes ago, nojoy said:

Hang in there, young lady. Keep posting and remember you have touched my life and for that I am grateful.❤️

Wow. You guys are my lifeline honestly. I will do. And in a few weeks I will be able to escape all this anyway. 

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10 minutes ago, nojoy said:

Some people have to put others down to make themselves feel good. Sounds your aunt is one of those people.

That might be it. My Aunt has aways had something against me. And I guess I dismissed it this whole time. I don't know if it's jealousy, or competitiveness , maybe both as my therapist said. I'd rather that they wouldn't want to be involved in my life in any way, rather than pretending that they do, and playing happy families in front of other people. I can't stand fakes

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I REALLY need to get away. My vacation cannot come soon enough. I am sick of people. I have gotten a lot of negative input lately, and I am tired of it. Everyone who has said something awful towards me can go F off (IRL, not on here!!!! to be clear!!!!! lol). I am so done with people. TWO more weeks, and I'll be in the tropics, on the beach, sipping cocktails and sunning myself.... Ahhhhhhhhhhh. 

Edited by RiverLight
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1 hour ago, RiverLight said:

I REALLY need to get away. My vacation cannot come soon enough. I am sick of people. I have gotten a lot of negative input lately, and I am tired of it. Everyone who has said something awful towards me can go F off (IRL, not on here!!!! to be clear!!!!! lol). I am so done with people. 

I can’t stand people either. I wish I can quit my job, but I need to pay my bills.. two more weeks to endure! 

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There is a Pokemon Go Safari event happening at my country and I just spent quite a lot of money to purchase a ticket for this Sunday. Joined a MeetUp group for this, which actually have only 6 people going, so I’ll be going with strangers, if they even turn up. This will be my first MeetUp event. Funny how I really just want to quit Pokemon Go. The only reason I still play is that it’s very useful to avoid people when I’m walking with my colleagues. So my colleagues think I’m a fan of Pokemon, but I’m not, I don’t like getting addicted to something. Yet here I am going for a once in a lifetime Pokemon event, since it won’t come back to this country for years to come. To show my colleagues that I’m really a fan when I’m not? I still don’t know why I do what I do. It’s a chore really. I wanna spend Sunday at home, but I’d be wasting my money if I don’t go. Ugh and of course this leads to me hating myself cos I’m always doing things that I don’t want to do. Ugh being positive is hard!

Edited by Depressedgurl007
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2 hours ago, Soarsie18 said:

That might be it. My Aunt has aways had something against me. And I guess I dismissed it this whole time. I don't know if it's jealousy, or competitiveness , maybe both as my therapist said. I'd rather that they wouldn't want to be involved in my life in any way, rather than pretending that they do, and playing happy families in front of other people. I can't stand fakes

Meg, my sister does the same thing. She remembers all the mistakes I made when I was still a kid to try to put me down in front of other people. I'm her scapegoat, meaning, I ruined her life by being born, and I'm the reason it's raining today and every day. It's ridiculous, and honestly, looks like mental illness in itself- the power she gives me over her life when we barely see each other or speak is incredible! I'm a particularly open and (I think) kind person when I'm not swimming in garbage like right now, so it always baffles me when someone dislikes me. Of course, I forget about the competitive stuff and jealousy (and less often, differences in political/religious views, although I don't talk about that stuff much anymore.) I grew up chubby and was bullied and told how stupid I am by her, so by default, I don't feel that I'm smart and decent-looking. I know now that those things aren't true, but knowing and feeling are two different things.

For you, being 18, it's important to try not to absorb her opinions about you, not to internalize it. It's great that you're here, because we can help with that. Going forward, it's vital to have cheerleaders in your life who believe in you when you're dealing with someone like her. 🙂 

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3 hours ago, Soarsie18 said:

I don't know how to feel, angry and annoyed I guess ?

Both my Aunts have got us easter chocolates. I don't know how to feel about that. I guess they wanted to make sure that their kids got chocolates from us too. 

I know they don't care about me, but hearing them trying to convince people that they do just makes me sick. They have no idea what I've been through. And they have absolutely no interest in knowing either. 

When I was suicidal a few months ago my mum asked my Aunt to send an email to me, apologising for sending that letter to my psychiatrist. And guess what. My Aunt refused to apologise. Yet now, my whole family goes on about 'how much everyone cares about me' - bull....

They tell people that I'm 'stressed over exams'. Oh if only it were that bad. If only it were that temporary. 

They have no idea that I am on anti-depressants and haven't been able to leave the house in at least 6 months. 

I just want them gone. 

Them undermining and not caring about what I've been through only makes me question myself. Am I overreacting ? should I be able to cope better ? Am I making a big deal over nothing ?

They are damaging me, all to make themselves look like saints. 

It might help to have a family meeting with your doctor or therapist. Your therapist can advocate for you and basically explain to your parents what you need from them in a way that doesn't reveal what you've told them. Families and friends never do exactly what's best, but of course, some are way, way off track. I'm not sure if you'd be willing to have a family meeting, but it would educate them and give them a chance to try to do what's best for you, mediated by a professional. If it still doesn't happen after that... I'm just trying to find a way to de-escalate this for you. Hugs. ❤️ 

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Mixed. I'm sitting on the porch, and a storm is brewing. It's cool, the wind chimes are singing, the birds are chirping, and the cats are having fun. No complaints here. 🙂

When I turn my attention from that, I'm in a lot of pain this morning. I tried to book an appointment with my doctor for today, but nothing is open. I'll try a different doctor on the off-chance they'd take a new patient on the same day. I need a second opinion anyway. This treatment is painful and takes a long time. I think going under the knife might be best at this point.

The sleeping pill didn't make me fall asleep right away. It took at least two hours, so I slept later. Thick brain fog for about 10-15 minutes this morning, but then, clear. My sedative knocks me out within 30 minutes, and the hangover lasts for hours. The sleeping pill stays, unless I can't function during the day.

 

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@moodyjuniper I don’t know that a family therapy session would make a difference. The problem isn’t that they don’t know how to help me. The problem is they don’t want to help me. I am in no way any of those things that she described me as being on that letter. I was in the same school year as her daughter and when it came down to it she didn’t want me to be doing better than her daughter. So she tried to ruin me. I am scared to think what would have happened if that psychiatrist or anyone took that letter seriously. I am also trying to remind myself that those things she wrote about me are not true. Because surely if she was trying to help me then she must believe that those things she wrote are true. And it breaks my spirit to believe that I have so many debilitating problems. So I must believe that they are lies.

I simply can’t understand why she did it other than the fact that she wanted me to suffer. Even if I did have the problems that she was diagnosing me with, the way she went about it was completely wrong. It could have destroyed me or anyone for that matter. 

She won’t even apologise for what she did. In fact she’s trying to convince everyone in the family that we are the ones in the wrong. There’s no way she’ll even talk to me about it, let alone go to a therapy session.

But that’s ok, I have my parents and thats enough. I just can’t wait for the day i’ll be a proper adult and able to cut them off completely (hugs)

Edited by Soarsie18
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20 minutes ago, Soarsie18 said:

@moodyjuniper I don’t know that a family therapy session would make a difference. The problem isn’t that they don’t know how to help me. The problem is they don’t want to help me. I am in no way any of those things that she described me as being on that letter. I was in the same school year as her daughter and when it came down to it she didn’t want me to be doing better than her daughter. So she tried to ruin me. I am scared to think what would have happened if that psychiatrist or anyone took that letter seriously. I am also trying to remind myself that those things she wrote about me are not true. Because surely if she was trying to help me then she must believe that those things she wrote are true. And it breaks my spirit to believe that I have so many debilitating problems. So I must believe that they are lies.

I simply can’t understand why she did it other than the fact that she wanted me to suffer. Even if I did have the problems that she was diagnosing me with, the way she went about it was completely wrong. It could have destroyed me or anyone for that matter. 

She won’t even apologise for what she did. In fact she’s trying to convince everyone in the family that we are the ones in the wrong. There’s no way she’ll even talk to me about it, let alone go to a therapy session.

But that’s ok, I have my parents and thats enough. I just can’t wait for the day i’ll be a proper adult and able to cut them off completely (hugs)

I meant for your parents to meet with your doctor/therapist, not your aunts. If nothing else, it can arm them with information that they can state to the rest of the family, "Professional X said this, this, and this, and this is how we're helping Meg. Not what you said about her, etc..." People respond better to professionals and people who are armed with research, as they should. As we all should. It sounds like your aunts are not even working on the same puzzle that you and your family are, that their values and what is important to them are wildly different than yours. Who in the family are these aunts talking to other than each other and your parents?

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There is no real hope.  I'm too messed up to ever be well again.  It's that simple.  There wasn't really anything left of me before.  When mom died a hurricane ripped up what was left of me.  I'm sure I would be well if the people in real life cared whatsoever but they don't.  If I died their thoughts would be well that's a loose end we don't have to tie up.  I'm glad that's finally over.  Now I guess we can go enjoy our vacations.

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Went to my favourite beach today for the first time in ages. It was really sunny, just like it is in summer. Just being there made me want to cry. It reminds me of better times when i'd used to go down to the beach after school and just sit on my board in the middle of the ocean, all on my own. It was my favourite place on earth, and I miss not being able to go down there anymore. It was a big part of me that I had to let go after my knee operation. 

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4 hours ago, moodyjuniper said:

Meg, my sister does the same thing. She remembers all the mistakes I made when I was still a kid to try to put me down in front of other people. I'm her scapegoat, meaning, I ruined her life by being born, and I'm the reason it's raining today and every day. It's ridiculous, and honestly, looks like mental illness in itself- the power she gives me over her life when we barely see each other or speak is incredible! I'm a particularly open and (I think) kind person when I'm not swimming in garbage like right now, so it always baffles me when someone dislikes me. Of course, I forget about the competitive stuff and jealousy (and less often, differences in political/religious views, although I don't talk about that stuff much anymore.) I grew up chubby and was bullied and told how stupid I am by her, so by default, I don't feel that I'm smart and decent-looking. I know now that those things aren't true, but knowing and feeling are two different things.

For you, being 18, it's important to try not to absorb her opinions about you, not to internalize it. It's great that you're here, because we can help with that. Going forward, it's vital to have cheerleaders in your life who believe in you when you're dealing with someone like her. 🙂 

That's what I've come to think of my Aunt. I think she has some serious mental health problems that she hasn't dealt with. It was hard for me to understand why she did what she did, especially with me being in such a vulnerable position, and with her and my mum being so close. I guess she was pushed to her limits and didn't know how to cope with it. I imagine your sister is the same. I am trying not to take it personally, my therapist has really helped me with that. He's reassured me that I didn't do anything to provoke this kind of behaviour. And I can imagine it's the same between you and your sister. And I am so grateful for my cheerleaders, I have never had them before. You are helping me feel stronger and more capable by the minute X

Hope everything is ok with you Juniper (hugs)

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@Soarsie18, I'm sorry you're struggling so.  A few thoughts for whatever little comfort they're worth.

In the course of my lifetime, more often than not, I've found a lot of the churchy types to be  "holier than thou."  And that goes right up to this moment.  It's a show to conceal their own shortcomings.  Strictly in my case, when necessary, I've confronted them about their hypocrisy (without calling it such) and/or just cut them off.  As is so true for many of us here on DF, I've had to take those actions simply for the sake of maintaining my sanity.  I wish I had an answer on how you could keep yours at arm's length.

And the "it's private" thing is simply another avoidance tactic, although in my case I've observed it used by closeted LGBTQ desperate to keep up a facade.  Well, to an experienced observer like you or me, it doesn't work.  Heck, sometimes it's only worth the fallback reaction of, "whatev."

All that old guy stuff being said, I like your resilience A LOT.  You went to the beach!  Yay!  Absolutely one of my favorite places and I'm fortunate enough to live only a mile from mine.  Particularly under the circumstances, nicely done of self-care!

 

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@CoffeeAddict103 haha, not much of a beach, but better than nothing. I haven't been back to normal since my operation two years ago, I can forget about it most of the time now fortunately because i'm not in pain anymore. But I still miss how active I was before it. It's always good to go outside and see the world. Even if hurts. It gives me something to fight for. Maybe someday I will surf again, who knows :)

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5 hours ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

There is a Pokemon Go Safari event happening at my country and I just spent quite a lot of money to purchase a ticket for this Sunday. Joined a MeetUp group for this, which actually have only 6 people going, so I’ll be going with strangers, if they even turn up. This will be my first MeetUp event. Funny how I really just want to quit Pokemon Go. The only reason I still play is that it’s very useful to avoid people when I’m walking with my colleagues. So my colleagues think I’m a fan of Pokemon, but I’m not, I don’t like getting addicted to something. Yet here I am going for a once in a lifetime Pokemon event, since it won’t come back to this country for years to come. To show my colleagues that I’m really a fan when I’m not? I still don’t know why I do what I do. It’s a chore really. I wanna spend Sunday at home, but I’d be wasting my money if I don’t go. Ugh and of course this leads to me hating myself cos I’m always doing things that I don’t want to do. Ugh being positive is hard!

Omg I would go with you! I absolutely also use it to ease my social anxiety. I've never gone to a public event because I have no one to go with. Community Days are uncomfortable because I'm walking around alone for 3 hours alone. I hate doing raids because there's always other people so sometimes I will just walk past it because my anxiety gets the best of me. I should be at level 40 now if I wasn't so anxious. It's good to take a break now and then, there's too much grinding in that game. I try not to play too much if there's no special event going on .

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Rough day, at least for my mind.  Trying to maintain a "could be worse" mindset, but it's been a battle.

Landlord responded to my text - I assume once he'd come down from whatever he was on - with a "yeah but" comment.  My old guy spidey sense tells me that's an opening for negotiation (though I already have a fully signed lease in hand - terms of which that could be interpreted as legally questionable - that for some odd reason he thinks he now can declare invalid).  idk how much is possibly only wishful thinking on my part. 

Nevertheless, not gonna push ANYTHING until I'm more together, particularly when dealing with someone who's more unstable than I am.  Anxiety's been constant today.  It occurred to me to contact an old client who's an attorney, as well.  Those are now two calls I have out for help and nearly two weeks to resolve this.

I have to acknowledge to y'all that I feel totally alone and isolated on this.  I don't feel like I have a friend IRL to support me or have my back.  I'm faced with both a landlord and realtor who most definitely do NOT have any of my interests in mind.  I feel like they're ganging up on me.

I'm struggling to keep in mind we have a nice cold front (for us) coming through that will give us some healthy storms and perfect weekend weather.  So, too, I'm looking at the possibility of some moon pix at a couple favorite photo venues.  Yeah, I'm strictly a moment at a time right now.  It's damned uncomfortable and difficult to keep my mind quiet.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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