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How Do You Feel Right Now #10


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Start of a week's "vacation".  I've not had any real vacation from depression for nearly five years. It has totally destroyed my life, family and career. What a horrible nightmare. The time off just gives me more time to think of the worst.

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50 minutes ago, Tilted said:

Start of a week's "vacation".  I've not had any real vacation from depression for nearly five years. It has totally destroyed my life, family and career. What a horrible nightmare. The time off just gives me more time to think of the worst.

I have total empathy for you on your statement,, life, family, career. I’m unable to recall the last ok day I had, this week I was contemplating a stay in hospital just for some respite, and now I am considering ECT but the family life is done, , i cant work, and I have no hobbies that appeal to me. My friend, you are not alone unfortunately. 

Horrible is just one of the descriptives I use

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12 hours ago, JD4010 said:

My two kitties are the cuddliest fur babies on the planet. They can't wait for me to sit down in the recliner so they can jump onto me. They were both lying on top of me this morning when I woke up. I definitely didn't want to get out of bed.

I wouldn't want to get out of bed either if I had that, but then I don't want to get out of bed any day.

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23 hours ago, sober4life said:

I don't know I've never gotten help for my PTSD.  I've had symptoms for as long as I can remember.  It probably started with childhood abuse.  I'm just as afraid of the help as I am of all of the abusers in my life so I will be this way my whole life.

I wonder what makes you feel afraid of the help? I've had some less than stellar therapists/psychiatrists, but I can't say I've ever been afraid of them or of the help. My ex-ex complained that they'd try to turn him into someone that he wasn't, but it's like filtering out the bad stuff that doesn't belong there, leaving only the healthy parts, as much as can be done, and introducing new healthy parts.

I've had some exposure therapy, which worked, but it takes a long, long time. Life itself is exposure therapy sometimes, but without a controlled environment with controlled doses of exposure, it's more like overexposure therapy. 😉 Otherwise, insight therapy and CBT and mindfulness have worked best for me. I can work through triggers, although it isn't easy. It's the self-esteem, self-worth, feelings of being damaged, and destroyed trust that are the hardest for me to recover.

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15 hours ago, BeyondWeary said:

Glad that the weekend is coming and I don't have a lot to do and will get some time to rest and relax, good self-care.

You took the words out of my mouth!   Really rough week.  I don’t think i’ve ever felt as emotionally exhausted as I did yesterday.  I feel like the “act” I have to put on to bet through “normal” life is running its course.  I feel like I’m not living my own life - I’m living the life others (don’t know who exactly) want me to live.  I feel like my depression and anxiety and panic would go away if the world was different.  If the world was more forgiving and compassionate and less greedy, selfish, and mean.  

Anyone know a place like a that? 🤔

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So far so good...even after yesterday's lengthy excursion.  Long tub soak before bed, six hours with feline foot-warmer, meds immediately when I woke up (including the Tylenol) and back to bed another 2½.  Tempted to do groceries...but nah, I'm good.  I'm ok just editing the pix from yesterday.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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Annoyed. Once again my aunt has gone out of her way to try and sabotage my life. I really don't understand why she keeps coming back for me. I get it. I've left you alone. Now can you do the same for me please ?

I've tried to erase them from my mind as best as I can, but for some reason they keep trying to get back into my life.

I can't wait to move country, get away from this drama

Edited by Soarsie18
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Too many feelings inside me. But I guess mostly it’s the anger and hatred towards i me and myself. Really, why do I even bother. So many other things I could have done instead. Then there is next week to think about too. Why is it so hard to talk to people. Why do I feel like I’m lying, when I could have said the truth, but cos I didn’t want her to misunderstand, I just said I don’t know. Cos I really don’t know! I hate people who have this bias against someone, like can u stop judging just cos of one incident???? Why can’t u be more understanding????!!! Ugh

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the passing of time disgusts me too. Haven't done anything fulfilling enough yet. I want to start living now  :(

If you have wasted time, then it can't be much time, you're still in your 20s. Plenty of time to turn things around :)

Have you tried anything to help you deal with the past - therapy that sort of thing. 

therapy and time really helped me to get rid of my negative energy.

I still think back and get annoyed but at least my past isn't effecting  my future

@CoffeeAddict103

Edited by Soarsie18
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5 hours ago, moodyjuniper said:

I wonder what makes you feel afraid of the help? I've had some less than stellar therapists/psychiatrists, but I can't say I've ever been afraid of them or of the help. My ex-ex complained that they'd try to turn him into someone that he wasn't, but it's like filtering out the bad stuff that doesn't belong there, leaving only the healthy parts, as much as can be done, and introducing new healthy parts.

I've had some exposure therapy, which worked, but it takes a long, long time. Life itself is exposure therapy sometimes, but without a controlled environment with controlled doses of exposure, it's more like overexposure therapy. 😉 Otherwise, insight therapy and CBT and mindfulness have worked best for me. I can work through triggers, although it isn't easy. It's the self-esteem, self-worth, feelings of being damaged, and destroyed trust that are the hardest for me to recover.

I'm afraid of help because not one doctor I've ever had in my life tried to help me.  They wanted to make money from my situation and didn't care once if I was happy or if I liked anything they were doing.  They ruined my life.

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

I'll never trust them.  When I say I'll die first I mean it literally.  No matter what happens it's over.  I will never trust them.

I tend to agree but I also think it depends on the type of doctor, many are good at putting us back together physically but they simply havent been trained on mental health to the extent we hope they would be. Thus they go to the only training they can, sponsored pills or referral to others. It can take a long time to get to the right doctor and if you are in the states, cost a lot....

I've paid for therapy and thought afterwards why I just paid 120$ for a 40 minute consult??? It takes a long time to get that money together.

i havent tried a witch doctor yet, if anybody knows of one?

Edited by Extremebeginner
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8 hours ago, LonelyHiker said:

Horrible, AKA, (or as Men at Work  might say) "business as usual"..

 

I gave you a sad for the post, LH  sorry you're feeling down - but I have to give you a hug and a laurel for the Men at Work reference!!!  Have a vegemite sandwich on me!!

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