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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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15 minutes ago, MaepleSyrup said:

I can really relate to you with paranoia. I'm sorry it's something you suffer with too. It sucks, doesn't it? God, I've had my fair share of bad neighbors, especially ones who'd go out of their way to be an ass.

I still go through this wave of paranoia where I have to leave the room at work and my water bottle is left there. But whenever I come back, I'm always traumatized to drink from it because I think someone either sabotaged it or drank from it- two of my bigger fears.

I tried finding ways around it, but it still creeps back up. You're certainly not alone on this one.

My neighbors are the worse kind of neighbors.  They are the ones that will act nice and lie right to your face and the second you walk away they will be talking about you.  They put on an appearance of being nice but they will talk behind my back and sneak around doing things.  The neighbor that pretends to be nice and good but is really bad is worse than the obvious ass neighbors.  I will not put my mail in a different box to be sent.  It's going in my box and the bills better be going on and getting paid or I will be at their front door to confront them.  

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2 hours ago, Soarsie18 said:

@moodyjuniper

It is. I just feel completely lost and hopeless right now. I'm going to try my best. I've made a timetable. But I'm not sure if that's enough anymore. There's no guarantee that any of this information is going to stick in my head. I just keep getting flashbacks of last year, when I was completely panicked and sleep deprived. I can't afford to make the same mistakes again. 

one small thing at a time...… if you try to do it all and now you will become overwhelmed....

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1 hour ago, Extremebeginner said:

Strangely I find bad weather comforting too

Absolutely. I can't stand sunny weather, but man, I love gloomy weather. The worse the rain/snow storm, the better the day is

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Amazed with myself and relieved.  Got Mom's car sold.  Not as much as I'd expected, but, hell, it's done and off my mind.  Very nice Lyft driver on the way back.  While I was still operating, deposited the check to Mom's account, too.  A Subway sammy for me as a reward.

However, this is a perfect example of the depression with which we struggle.  Had her car in my yard for seven months and the battery, of course, died.  So it was a further task to replace the battery, let alone get the papers together and get the thing to CarMax.  No, so-called normal people don't struggle with that.  I do.  Today was a monumental accomplishment for Mark.

Oh, paid the water bill while I was at it and put the towels in the wash from the car wipedowns the other day.

I'm still a li'l shaky.  I hope the sense of accomplishment (and relief) will eventually sink in.  But I've decided I'm now off duty.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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I'm feeling pretty good today. Maybe the higher dose on one of my meds is working. Yet I'm thinking that this is too good to last. That has been my experience before. So I'm trying to enjoy the moment but it's hard.

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5 minutes ago, BeyondWeary said:

I'm feeling pretty good today. Maybe the higher dose on one of my meds is working. Yet I'm thinking that this is too good to last. That has been my experience before. So I'm trying to enjoy the moment but it's hard.

I call it "waiting for the other shoe to drop."  I'm having a pretty good day today, as well.  I MIGHT eventually get around to that sense of accomplishment.  Meanwhile, I'm just trying to keep my mind from wandering towards the next struggle.

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4 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Amazed with myself and relieved.  Got Mom's car sold.  Not as much as I'd expected, but, hell, it's done and off my mind.  Very nice Lyft driver on the way back.  While I was still operating, deposited the check to Mom's account, too.  A Subway sammy for me as a reward.

However, this is a perfect example of the depression with which we struggle.  Had her car in my yard for seven months and the battery, of course, died.  So it was a further task to replace the battery, let alone get the papers together and get the thing to CarMax.  No, so-called normal people don't struggle with that.  I do.  Today was a monumental accomplishment for Mark.

Oh, paid the water bill while I was at it and put the towels in the wash from the car wipedowns the other day.

I'm still a li'l shaky.  I hope the sense of accomplishment (and relief) will eventually sink in.  But I've decided I'm now off duty.

Well done, Mark.  Do you feel that?  That was a pat on the back!!!!  🙂

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I was so depressed today that I booted up the old YOUTUBE machine and called up the "bath scene" from Melancholia where Kristen Dunst's character is led to the tub, but she can't raise her leg to get in.  Profound depression.  The best visual of this disease I have ever seen.  God, I just want to hug the poor girl - because I know how she feels.  And I want to hug you all too, for the same reason!

No, I wasn't that bad, but, I felt it coming and I was close.

I did still manage to write a little and work on my pension arrangement with my ex.  Not much, but at least I did something.

 

 

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It takes nerve for the people in my real life to continue to try to stop me from being happy.  They were making fun of me today.  The anger is building with all of them.  Of course I have no problem defending myself with them every day but who wants to argue and defend yourself on a regular basis with family?

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I know how this story goes if things continue as is.  I think everyone does.  I have to work tomorrow but this weekend it's time to go out and find people that I can trust and start creating a happy healthy life at this house.  Paranoia comes from true fear and these people in my life have really screwed me up that's for sure.  I can't do this anymore with these people.  I need a happy life.

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The school term is almost over, and I have a two week holiday coming up. This term has been terrible, I've gotten the worst grades I've ever gotten and my depression has gotten worse on top of that. I'm feeling overwhelmed because I haven't been putting enough effort into anything. I'm really disappointed in myself, I thought that maybe this year it'd be different but it's gotten even worse. 

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Paralyzed with depression and anxiety.  I don't know how to go on.  I can't reach out to friends because they don't really get it.  I have one friend, however, who does and she's in California.  Maybe I'll call and ruin her evening, though she never receives me as though that's true.

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2 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

Paralyzed with depression and anxiety.  I don't know how to go on.  I can't reach out to friends because they don't really get it.  I have one friend, however, who does and she's in California.  Maybe I'll call and ruin her evening, though she never receives me as though that's true.

Please PM me, WOTL, M.  Or not.  It's all OK. But I care for you, and I get it.  I know what it feels like to feel so alone.  Hugs.

 

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Independent. All my life I've had people by my side following the same path as me. I've never once been left completely alone to find my way in the world. Now that everyones left me. I can't sit around here and wait for someone new to come into my world and save me from this mundane life that I have. I need to go out into the world on my own. Escape from here somehow. And I need to start believing that I have the strength and grit to do it.

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nothing. i don’t feel anything. i mean, i have a cold and feel that sucks but otherwise i barely have any emotions anymore. i seem to be functioning though. but i’m not sure what’s going on.

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