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How Do You Feel Right Now #10


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On 4/5/2019 at 5:48 PM, Soarsie18 said:

I absolutely despise myself right now. I’d do anything to get away from myself. I can’t carry on living like this. I can’t live with myself. I don’t think i’ll ever get away from this feeling.

I’m not and never have been good enough for anyone on this earth. the most that i can do is just look after myself so that i’m not a bother to anyone else. to think that someone will actually want to have me in their life is being too hopefull. I always seem to mess up at some point. not good enough and never will be

How I feel, my friend.  Like a square peg jamming itself over and over into a round hole of normal humanness.

I would love to accept my difference - as I've said to many on here in the past. Tonight, I am having trouble.  I just wish I could fit in, even just a little.

 

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12 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I won't fit in anywhere.  I've lived in 7 different towns in my life and I've been the strangest one in town every time.  I've always been the weirdo everyone talked about.

If you lived in the same town as me, I wouldn’t think you were the town weirdo.

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Fighting off just the start of an anxiety attack.  Have been successful the past two weeks.  Don't particularly like the "gentle" approach of the Trazodone 50 (hell, I'd prefer the instant relief of the Xanax), but it's all I've got.

I've about collected all the papers to sell Mom's car to CarMax.  I could do it today, if I'm out before the line of squalls hits.  Or even tomorrow.  Right now I have to content myself with having replaced the battery last week - lord, THAT was major - and having gathered most of the paperwork.  Talk about baby steps...or progress not perfection!  If that's all of which my brain's capable, so be it.

 

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44 minutes ago, moodyjuniper said:

Jumpy. Someone keeps trying to get into my bank account, and then I get frozen out. 😞 And worried, because my sedative made me sleep through my alarm this morning, and it's making me sleep longer and harder. 

All is well. My username is too common, so people use it thinking it belongs to them. All I had to do is change it. 🙂 

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17 minutes ago, Stand_alone said:

Back to work after my 2 days off. I hope to not get another nervous break down that is becoming more daily. I decided not to take crap from clients anymore and will drop them from calls if they become obnoxious and rude. 

I give them the silent treatment when they get obnoxious and rude. I don't hang up...I just let them blather on until they finally realize I'm not replying. Then...long silence.

Or, I'll say "Gee, I'm late for a meeting. Gotta go. Thanks for the call".

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1 hour ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

No job, no girlfrirnd, no future, no prospects, no skills, no experience. Constantly letting people down. I'm a terrible person

I'll bet you're not really a terrible person.

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

I won't fit in anywhere.  I've lived in 7 different towns in my life and I've been the strangest one in town every time.  I've always been the weirdo everyone talked about.

Sometimes I go to a public place like a mall and just exist as a weird person. I watch people doing all of their normal stuff. I can often talk myself into believing that I'm OK with not being a clone. 

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All the same where ever I look. Everything, wherever I go, whatever I do leads absolutely nowhere. 

I finally realized there is nothing to search for. All there is a gaping void.

Nothing is worth the effort, there is nothing to live for. 

I wish I was dead.

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35 minutes ago, samadhiSheol said:

Anxiety rising. Paranoid as f uck.

Shitwind's a-coming.

I'm a very paranoid person as well.  When I go out I usually think someone is following me the whole time.  The one day the guy was even talking to someone on a walky talky thing reporting to someone else about me when they were watching me.

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

I give them the silent treatment when they get obnoxious and rude. I don't hang up...I just let them blather on until they finally realize I'm not replying. Then...long silence.

Or, I'll say "Gee, I'm late for a meeting. Gotta go. Thanks for the call".

I wish I can do that but there is a time average to meet on calls and a random in-call testing, which will deduct pts for dead time.

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I feel like I'm preparing for a fight over life or death. If i don't get my grades in 2 months, I'm really struggling to think of a way that I'd be able to live with myself. It's such a small boundary, with absolutely no safety net. if I just drop a couple of marks then my grades won't be good enough. And my life will be well and truly over.

I'm not trying to be dramatic. That's the genuine pressure that I feel under right now. Life or death. 

If somehow, I get through this. I'll be able to survive anything. 

Edited by Soarsie18
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Dreading going back to a regular job. But the good thing is i can get by with just working part time. I won't have extra money but I'll never be rich anyway. If you want a place to live you have to work. I can't depend on anyone else but myself. I wouldn't put my life into anyone else hands no matter what! I'm free! Free to go to work!

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How do I get out of this mud-pit ? Is there even a way out for me or am I too late. 

I'm revising as much as I can but there's no way for me to make up for 6months of work in the time I have left. I feel like I'm going to explode. 

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A woman in her 80s was flirting with me after my walk.  I'm not sure which person is more ridiculous her or me that almost went inside with her but this has become my life now.  People do flirt with me a lot but it's all people looking to take advantage of me.  It wasn't long ago her granddaughter was flirting with me now she was today.  My dad is trying to fix me up with someone too.  A lot of people are trying too.  I need to go to the gym this weekend and start looking for someone instead of staying home feeling sorry for myself.  It's time for this nonsense to end!

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