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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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21 minutes ago, moodyjuniper said:

I feel angry and invisible and uncared for. You can't even bother to ask how I am or say "I'm sorry" when I tell you that my uncle just died - yes, they're dropping like flies, apparently - but you sure do enjoy me propping up your reputation and image.

**** this. And **** this indigestion, too. All I want to do is stay in bed and cry, but I have to work.

I'm sorry to hear that you lost a love one, I pray that things get better for you my friend.  :hugs: 

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7 hours ago, moodyjuniper said:

😞 That's no good. Why are you hurt?

Have you ever made origami flowers? It's fun to do while you're listening to music or watching tv. I've made some pretty garlands in the past.

It’s just a mix of things like not being able to see my kid while knowing there not doing good

no I never have made those I tryed to make same thing like that before didn’t do very good though

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On 4/6/2019 at 12:58 PM, babyxgothxx said:

I'm so useless at starting conversations... No wonder I don't have any friends 😞 👍

Well, that sentence was a great conversation opener. 🙂

Good to see you again. Or maybe not, if you are feeling down.

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

I don't even want things to get better anymore.  It's been 40 years of chasing the dragon.  Once I find out exactly what I want in life I can be sure that's the one thing I will never get.  Over and over again I am given just enough false hope to continue.  Life is continually playing a game with me to make sure I suffer as much as possible.  I will be allowed to see what I want and get close to what I want but I can never have it and that will be my entire life.

Precisely. That's exactly how my life goes. A bright and shiny object gets dangled in front of me and if I dare try to reach for it, it gets snatched away.

People wonder why I never have hope. I don't know, could it be my entire life has been one long miserable failure up to this point?

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2 hours ago, moodyjuniper said:

I feel angry and invisible and uncared for. You can't even bother to ask how I am or say "I'm sorry" when I tell you that my uncle just died - yes, they're dropping like flies, apparently - but you sure do enjoy me propping up your reputation and image.

**** this. And **** this indigestion, too. All I want to do is stay in bed and cry, but I have to work.

Oh wow. I'm sorry about your uncle. My condolences.

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14 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Precisely. That's exactly how my life goes. A bright and shiny object gets dangled in front of me and if I dare try to reach for it, it gets snatched away.

People wonder why I never have hope. I don't know, could it be my entire life has been one long miserable failure up to this point?

When I leave people will say I don't understand he was doing so well which will be gibberish because nobody cared how I was doing they didn't even bother to ask.  They'll talk about me for about 30 seconds and that will be it.

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Had surgery Wednesday and still in recovery zone.  So having to rest a lot feeling guilty I'm not getting other things done.  I'm not sure if it was the stress of the surgery, or after effects of the anesthesia, but I have had a very short fuse ever since.  Seems like a lot of pent up anger is building up.  More so than other times.  Working on figuring out anger issues in therapy.  Feeling mad at the world, myself, I don't know.  Sometimes an overwhelming feeling.

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The day could go either way.  I did mostly shut down for the weekend and managed to sidestep some issues with someone (i.e., mostly ignored him).  Bravo for Mark's self-care.  No, hell, I don't like it having to be this way, but it works.

I'm thinking last week's approach is the way to go this week, too.  Simply, I took Monday off and was therefore able to function well by Tuesday.  Having the exact same feeling this morning and that's my plan.

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After a huge mental breakdown yesterday, I woke up today with a new mind-set and a new revision plan to follow. I woke up at 6am. I cleaned my room, I sorted my notes, I’m trying to sort this mess out. Guaranteed to have another mental breakdown somewhere down along the line. But that’s fine. At least it whips me back into shape. 

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18 hours ago, Soarsie18 said:

@moodyjuniper I'm so sorry to hear about your Uncle. 

You've been so nice to me here, and have always been there to pick me up when I'm feeling down, it really saddens me to know that such a lovely person is going through such a tough time right now. I wish I could give you a hug. Guess I'll give you a virtual hug instead X

Awww... That's exactly what I needed, Meg. Thank you so much. 🙂

My emotions are coming out like a flash flood instead of a gradual rising of water, and I don't seem to notice the danger or damage until it feels like an emergency. I just can't have this stuff at the front of my mind all the time anymore. I love school. I love my classes, the subjects. But avoiding what's underneath isn't working, either. More therapy is incoming. 🙂

I'm so happy to hear that I'm helping you, Meg. I remember needing people to talk to at that age, but I was so closed up then, I'd never talk to anyone like this. I hope you're proud of yourself for being brave and wise about your depression. Hugs to you, too! ❤️ 

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16 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Oh wow. I'm sorry about your uncle. My condolences.

Aww, thank you, JD. I'd been planning to reconnect with him for months and have been dragging my feet. He and my dad were close. 😞 Fortunately, he has a few kids nearby. Man, not good to procrastinate with this stuff. I won't make this mistake again. Have a good one!

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I hate life.  I don't want to be here anymore.  It's not because I'm depressed.  It's because I hate my life.  I'm tired of being some disgusting monster nobody wants.  Family doesn't want me.  I have no friends and I'm going to die alone so god you might as well get it over with.

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3 hours ago, sober4life said:

I hate life.  I don't want to be here anymore.  It's not because I'm depressed.  It's because I hate my life.  I'm tired of being some disgusting monster nobody wants.  Family doesn't want me.  I have no friends and I'm going to die alone so god you might as well get it over with.

I wish I could say something uplifting and positive. Well, you have many friends here on DF. But I know what you are saying.

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12 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

I wish I could say something uplifting and positive. Well, you have many friends here on DF. But I know what you are saying.

Yes and I love you all very much.  There doesn't seem to be anything similar in real life.  Everyone cares about me here and treats me well here but in real life there is nothing like that.  I'm treated like a stray dog.  I've given up on my dreams at this point.  I'm just putting in whatever time I have to at this point.  It's over for me.

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13 hours ago, highanxiety said:

Had surgery Wednesday and still in recovery zone.  So having to rest a lot feeling guilty I'm not getting other things done.  I'm not sure if it was the stress of the surgery, or after effects of the anesthesia, but I have had a very short fuse ever since.  Seems like a lot of pent up anger is building up.  More so than other times.  Working on figuring out anger issues in therapy.  Feeling mad at the world, myself, I don't know.  Sometimes an overwhelming feeling.

Take it easy post operation.

Right now I feel uncertain.  I may need surgery and over a month off from work.  I am having some outside work difficulties from this project though.

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Stuck in a job I am 100% incapable of with no other options, no social life, no friends, (obviously no love life pretty much goes without saying), no hope for the future, no redeeming features, no talent. Nothing can get better. I guess I'd have some hope in this position ten years ago but half my ****ing life is over now and its too late for me. I'm finished.

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16 hours ago, highanxiety said:

Had surgery Wednesday and still in recovery zone.  So having to rest a lot feeling guilty I'm not getting other things done.  I'm not sure if it was the stress of the surgery, or after effects of the anesthesia, but I have had a very short fuse ever since.  Seems like a lot of pent up anger is building up.  More so than other times.  Working on figuring out anger issues in therapy.  Feeling mad at the world, myself, I don't know.  Sometimes an overwhelming feeling.

I know the feeling kinda, had 2 knee operations and after each it was because i had to rely on other people for everything and in normal life i dont rely on anyone but me for anything so i get anxious more depressed and snappy

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