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How Do You Feel Right Now #10


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How can people forgive themselves for messing up time and time again. How can people actually feel like they deserve all the good things in life. And then actually enjoy them. How come for some people their life turns out exactly as they had planned it to, and everything is smooth sailing ??? I just don't get it. Here I am, a constant disappointment to myself, always giving myself a second chance at life, and always seeming to mess up one way or another. Life right now couldn't be further away from what I want it to be. I'm not asking for a lot. Just some friends, some activity, normal teenage stuff that everyone else seems to have going on. I know I'm normally quite positive but I've had a moment of weakness today, and everything just seems to be falling apart.

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I have a science fair for kids to go to for school, but I have a huge headache. I'm starting to have physical symptoms of stress/depression now. I haven't been ruminating as much, so I guess I'll have indigestion and headaches instead? 

Whine, moan, complain. I'm sick of it. I want to forget everything that happened, but yesterday, my client triggered me. He's telling me to do things for him that I know he can do himself. I can't tell if this is an emotional issue playing out this way or if he's making me dance like a monkey. Either could be true in this case. And the nagging. OMG To his wife, "Use your cane!" To me, "Put a blanket over your shoulders!" It's up in the air if he's being a control freak, but either way, it's triggering memories of my ex, who controlled everything I wore and everything I ate and pretty much everything else he could. I'm so tempted to try to rework which clients I have and when. The problem is that I like this schedule for school. It works with my classes and my chores and errands. I could swap two days around, which might give me one less day with him. It would open me up to do more with my friends, too, if that comes about. Then again, I could be placed with a higher maintenance client. Better the devil I know? Probably. I need to find a way to occupy this man's mind more.

Too many decisions for one woman so early in the morning. 🙂 

 

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6 hours ago, Soarsie18 said:

How can people forgive themselves for messing up time and time again. How can people actually feel like they deserve all the good things in life. And then actually enjoy them. How come for some people their life turns out exactly as they had planned it to, and everything is smooth sailing ??? I just don't get it. Here I am, a constant disappointment to myself, always giving myself a second chance at life, and always seeming to mess up one way or another. Life right now couldn't be further away from what I want it to be. I'm not asking for a lot. Just some friends, some activity, normal teenage stuff that everyone else seems to have going on. I know I'm normally quite positive but I've had a moment of weakness today, and everything just seems to be falling apart.

I think it comes from experience, in some cases. Knowing firsthand how futile it is to worry and second-guess and be unhappy. And knowing there are things under our control. From feeling regret over lost time and opportunity. I think that's what's helping me overcome my depression. It's bizarre that one minute, I allow myself a small amount of latitude to think about and feel how huge an event overdosing was, and the next minute, excited about supplies being shipped for a class I'm taking because... I do have a future after all! Like nothing happened. I'd take nothing happened over remembering how awful and scary it was to hear a paramedic freaking out about the pills I took any day.

Life is so short. Do you like to do artwork at all? You could possibly try to go to a coffee shop and sketch or draw for a while. You might attract the attention of people who are more like you than not. 

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I try and avoid comparing myself to other people at all costs because I know how damaging it is to my mental health, but sometimes I can't help but think that I should be out having the time of my life just like everyone else. I know nothings that straightforward but all my friends are out partying and socialising whilst I'm going through absolute hell, trying to get myself to leave the house. Anyways, no good thinking like that. I'm feeling a bit more positive now, I've planned to go out with a friend today, first time I'll have planned anything with my friends since October. so I guess thats testament to how much I've recovered.

@moodyjuniper

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Today at work I had a nervous breakdown. I wanted to walk out of work. I feel so stressed trying to reach the time quota. Right now I feel pissed of that someone at home took my shoe polish. People keepp saying I am nice but i feel ppl take advantage of that as someone to step on

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I'll never give up.  I will keep fighting but I want this to be my last year in this world.  I'm not hoping for a happy ending because there is no such thing without mom here.  I've never believed in heaven until mom passed away.  Now I have to believe in it to keep my sanity.  I will never be happy again until I get to see her again.  I'm already dead just waiting for life to put me out my misery at this point.

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Decent night's sleep.  But still felt sore, tired and achy.  idk if it was a good idea, but I ventured out for some morning pix anyway since this week's clouds had finally given way to some sun.  Since it's on the way back home, hit the bank, groceries and gas so I wouldn't have to deal with 'em later.  Even rewarded myself, as I often do, with a Subway sammy.

HOWEVER, I am seriously feeling this week's activity.  Soooo, I'm thinkin' back to bed for the weekend.  I've reached one of those points where my well-developed body intuition is telling me to just plain effin' stop.  Period.

If any of y'all would like to volunteer for guard duty on my bedroom door so I don't escape....

Edited by MarkintheDark
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8 hours ago, moodyjuniper said:

I have a science fair for kids to go to for school, but I have a huge headache. I'm starting to have physical symptoms of stress/depression now. I haven't been ruminating as much, so I guess I'll have indigestion and headaches instead? 

Whine, moan, complain. I'm sick of it. I want to forget everything that happened, but yesterday, my client triggered me. He's telling me to do things for him that I know he can do himself. I can't tell if this is an emotional issue playing out this way or if he's making me dance like a monkey. Either could be true in this case. And the nagging. OMG To his wife, "Use your cane!" To me, "Put a blanket over your shoulders!" It's up in the air if he's being a control freak, but either way, it's triggering memories of my ex, who controlled everything I wore and everything I ate and pretty much everything else he could. I'm so tempted to try to rework which clients I have and when. The problem is that I like this schedule for school. It works with my classes and my chores and errands. I could swap two days around, which might give me one less day with him. It would open me up to do more with my friends, too, if that comes about. Then again, I could be placed with a higher maintenance client. Better the devil I know? Probably. I need to find a way to occupy this man's mind more.

Too many decisions for one woman so early in the morning. 🙂 

 

I think you are starting to answer some of your questions as you write down how this is playing out. Keep talking and maybe you will see the clear path, or the better route to take with this person. Don't forget we personalise things and catastrophize things, and we are good at that, but maybe he is better than another option you could have to work with. You could also try to talk with him, if appropriate about how you can help him better as a client if he treats you with more respect.... mentally. A simple chat with no drama might change the situation?

hope the science fair passed and you feel a little better, hugs

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