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How Do You Feel Right Now #10


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That kind of depressed where anytime someone tells me about something good happening in their life, it feels like they're shoving it in my face. It's borderline paranoia. Which is not uncommon for me 😕

Idk why I have any friends, miserable wretch I am. I guess I can make someone feel pretty good if they compare themselves to me lol...

I want to just be away from everything...

I think I have to (finally) book another appt with my therapist.

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1 hour ago, MarkintheDark said:

One thing I find interesting, now that I think of it, is that my approach to cleaning out her place was to toss a lot of stuff in the trash or charity without much thought.  That kept the brain quiet.  I found myself, when tempted to grab a used power strip, for example, to ask if Mark really needed one.  Nope.

As it stands, I really don't have a lot tasks left until the 15th that require my exertion.  First priority is taking today off, possibly a good deal of Fri, too.

I did the same thing to quiet my mind.  I cleaned out every room including closets and attics and outside buildings for the first time ever.  I had to feel like I was in control of something in an out of control situation.

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i left my house for 2 hours...i pushed myself to go out....it was OK. i avoided eye contact , even with a guy who said hi to me..and i see him quite frequently... i know people deep down think i'm very b*tchy because of my anxiety. i tend to ignore people and walk fast and not talk ...and people think you are mean or rude, but only if they knew ...... i hate life as well.

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Well, I did not get paid today.  I have been off on a "bridge agreement" with my former employer of 29 years which was supposed to last until July of this year, at which time my pension kicks in.

But, no deposit today.

I'm broker than broke.

If I screwed up and misread the agreement, I will be royal F'd for the next 7 months.

I have already started thinking about warm clothing and how to make a comfortable bed on a street grate.

Tomorrow, I call them to find out what's going on.  

 

 

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5 hours ago, Kogent5 said:

That kind of depressed where anytime someone tells me about something good happening in their life, it feels like they're shoving it in my face. It's borderline paranoia. Which is not uncommon for me 😕

Idk why I have any friends, miserable wretch I am. I guess I can make someone feel pretty good if they compare themselves to me lol...

I want to just be away from everything...

I think I have to (finally) book another appt with my therapist.

I'm not "liking" this to say I think what you posted is good, @Kogent5, only to say that it resonates strongly and to show comraderie.

 

Edited by LonelyHiker
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3 hours ago, sober4life said:

I miss you mom.  I wish you could be here for what's coming next.  I swear I will make you proud.  I was the luckiest person in the world to have you as my mom.  If there is a heaven I hope to one day earn my place next to you.😢

I cannot tell you the number of times I've uttered almost exactly the same words to my dad...and it's been over 33 years! :hearts:

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55 minutes ago, surfcaster said:

For no real reason im getting the overwhelming feeling of impending doom 

Been there.  THIS week.  fwiw, sometimes it helps me a bit if I find something to distract me...computer, TV, etc., particularly if I become engrossed in a show.  It's only a temporary relief, but all that matters to me at the moment is to find SOME relief.  Hang on.  We're with you.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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I feel tonight like I've made some progress on the computer issues.  For one, my IT guy referred me to a service ($300 and they deliver on a flash drive) to recover data from the dropped external drive.  For another, I'd configured a new lappy from Amazon last night and all I need to do is build up the courage to order it.  I know what I need to do, it will make a marked improvement in my life - wth am I saying?  It will get me back on track. 

But I feel the beginnings of an anxiety attack over committing the $$, a feeling that's a bit like when you KNOW you're getting a cold.

Maybe, too - I hate to admit this - it's a throwback to "I don't deserve [fill in the blank]"

I guess I've just outlined my challenge for Friday.

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Sometimes I keep forgetting to come back here and maybe that's good because I usually come here when I'm upset or lonely. I've been so stressed out because classes resume next week and I still don't have a job. It's been over a month or so and still haven't found work yet. I'm all set to give up again. I spoke to a doctor and he recommended a therapist I could speak to while I'm in school. Still looking for some information but things are looking up. I'm even going back on medication because to be fair, I haven't been on it in almost 5 years now. 

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I’m sort of weary. I had a bad run in yesterday with a complete stranger, and my New Orleans trip sort of ended with a thud. I was in serious danger of self harming over the debacle. I can’t take being bullied anymore. Even the tiniest note of condescension in a person’s voice enrages me.  People take me as an easy target. I could likely have ******** the guy if I was only properly equipped. I ran back to my hotel, and called one of my therapists. I was fuming and sobbing. I felt a lot better after I spoke to him, but I didn’t feel much like doing anything else anyway. I brushed myself off and did wander around afterward trying to find a couple of places. I was in bed by 8:00, and thanks to Viibryd was up by 3:40 this morning. Now I’m headed to Albuquerque in a couple of hours.

Edited by SqueezeWax
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Achy.  That cottony, almost hungover feeling.  Pulled an all-nighter, which I haven't done in ages.  Kitty remained firmly planted in my lap most of the time (warm).  Immersed myself in researching to make sure I'd covered the bases on the new lappy, given changes in tech the past eight years (which, frankly, please me no end on simplification).  Then I actually ORDERED it, [geek talk] configured with some extra storage and max'd out memory.

HOWEVER, despite the achiness, decided to empty the Wündercar of six boxes full of discards from Mom's apartment at a local thrift shop supporting folks with HIV/AIDS (go figgur, right?).  Even filled the tank on the way back.  Ummmm, managed a few hours' sleep, but I'm not goin' anywhere today.

You guessed it.  Back to bed....

Edited by MarkintheDark
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