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I want to disappear


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  I’m probably just writing this and feeling like this because I got no sleep last night and that makes my emotions go nuts but, either way, I feel really sad and frustrated. 

  I feel like I was doing all well over holiday break, and I got a much needed break from school to get better, but now I have to go back tomorrow. Honestly, I feel like I just can’t do it.  There’s no reason for it, either, because I know once I get there it won’t be that bad, but I don’t know, sometimes I just get in this headspace where I can’t deal with life.  Going back to school, at this moment, sounds like too much. 

  Even just everyday things feel too much for me. And it’s awful because I know that I should be thankful for what I have.  I have a great family whom I love very much, but it’s kind of a difficult situation that I’m in because, to put it lightly, my mom is a little bit nuts. Her emotions just switch at the drop of a hat and I never know which mom I’m going to get, and sometimes when she has mental breakdowns she is very emotionally abusive, to the point where I have to lock myself in the bathroom to get away from her screaming at me.  When she’s happy and stable I love her, though.  It’s just that her and my dad detest eachother, yet they still stay married. And we sit at dinner every night and eat in awkward silence and I can just feel the hatred between them and I can’t help but think that this isn’t how a family should be. And all dinner I just want to scream. I just want to stand up and get on the table and yell at the top of my lungs for hours and never stop.  I feel like that a lot in school, too. Nothing feels right. 

  It makes me feel really guilty, though, because a lot of the time I wish that I was in my best friend’s family.  And I hate that I wish that because I feel like it’s so wrong. It’s just that my best friend’s parents are the kindest and most loving people I’ve ever met.  So I feel like I leach onto my best friends life and that makes me clingy and annoying and then I feel more awful about myself. 

  And then on top of all this I can’t stop thinking about life after high school.  I’m a senior right now, and I’ve already applied to colleges and gotten in with a health degree, so on the outside I have nothing to worry about but, the thing is, I don’t think I want to even go into health. My mom pushed me into it because basically I’m a pushover and she told me that, with my actual dreams, like being an artist or a writer, I would starve.  So I threw the only things I’m passionate about in the garbage to be able to support myself when I’m older. But I can’t see myself working in a hospital.  And I can’t help but think that it’s too late now but I threw away my dreams to have a conventional life: a house, get married, have a family.  Except that all just sounds like bullshit to me. My parents have all that and they are so unhappy. I can’t help but that that everyone around me is unhappy with their lives and I’m just falling right into that path.  Sometimes I think it would just be easier if life just ended after high school. It would be nice if it just stopped and I wouldn’t have to worry so much anymore.

  When I go to college I won’t have friends or family anymore and so I won’t have a support system. When I get anxious or depressed I won’t have anybody to go to and nobody will be able to get me out of it. I’m worried about what’s going to happen to me when I get like that. I also just don’t think I’m going to fit in in college or make any friends. It’s very hard for me to make good friendships. And I don’t party or do any of that, I’m basically just a loser.. I won’t fit into college life.  I just wish that I could disappear.  

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1 hour ago, cagetheelephant88 said:

  I’m probably just writing this and feeling like this because I got no sleep last night and that makes my emotions go nuts but, either way, I feel really sad and frustrated. 

  I feel like I was doing all well over holiday break, and I got a much needed break from school to get better, but now I have to go back tomorrow. Honestly, I feel like I just can’t do it.  There’s no reason for it, either, because I know once I get there it won’t be that bad, but I don’t know, sometimes I just get in this headspace where I can’t deal with life.  Going back to school, at this moment, sounds like too much. 

  Even just everyday things feel too much for me. And it’s awful because I know that I should be thankful for what I have.  I have a great family whom I love very much, but it’s kind of a difficult situation that I’m in because, to put it lightly, my mom is a little bit nuts. Her emotions just switch at the drop of a hat and I never know which mom I’m going to get, and sometimes when she has mental breakdowns she is very emotionally abusive, to the point where I have to lock myself in the bathroom to get away from her screaming at me.  When she’s happy and stable I love her, though.  It’s just that her and my dad detest eachother, yet they still stay married. And we sit at dinner every night and eat in awkward silence and I can just feel the hatred between them and I can’t help but think that this isn’t how a family should be. And all dinner I just want to scream. I just want to stand up and get on the table and yell at the top of my lungs for hours and never stop.  I feel like that a lot in school, too. Nothing feels right. 

  It makes me feel really guilty, though, because a lot of the time I wish that I was in my best friend’s family.  And I hate that I wish that because I feel like it’s so wrong. It’s just that my best friend’s parents are the kindest and most loving people I’ve ever met.  So I feel like I leach onto my best friends life and that makes me clingy and annoying and then I feel more awful about myself. 

  And then on top of all this I can’t stop thinking about life after high school.  I’m a senior right now, and I’ve already applied to colleges and gotten in with a health degree, so on the outside I have nothing to worry about but, the thing is, I don’t think I want to even go into health. My mom pushed me into it because basically I’m a pushover and she told me that, with my actual dreams, like being an artist or a writer, I would starve.  So I threw the only things I’m passionate about in the garbage to be able to support myself when I’m older. But I can’t see myself working in a hospital.  And I can’t help but think that it’s too late now but I threw away my dreams to have a conventional life: a house, get married, have a family.  Except that all just sounds like bullshit to me. My parents have all that and they are so unhappy. I can’t help but that that everyone around me is unhappy with their lives and I’m just falling right into that path.  Sometimes I think it would just be easier if life just ended after high school. It would be nice if it just stopped and I wouldn’t have to worry so much anymore.

  When I go to college I won’t have friends or family anymore and so I won’t have a support system. When I get anxious or depressed I won’t have anybody to go to and nobody will be able to get me out of it. I’m worried about what’s going to happen to me when I get like that. I also just don’t think I’m going to fit in in college or make any friends. It’s very hard for me to make good friendships. And I don’t party or do any of that, I’m basically just a loser.. I won’t fit into college life.  I just wish that I could disappear.  

Hey, listen. You're not a loser at all. You're you, and that's all you can ever be. The thing is, the reason they want you to go into a college degree you don't want to be in is because they want you to be that for themselves. But what matters is that, you should be doing what YOU want to be.

If you're a loser, I'm a loser too. I never went to college. I never have and never will be in a relationship- having a family sounds like throwing away my life in my own views. And to make things better, I followed my dreams and stuck with them. And I'm still standing well.

People always say that college will be the only thing that can get you far. That's probably why people feel pressured and depressed sometimes because of that. But honestly, unless you're in a career that REQUIRES college, you'll be completely fine.

I work with difficult cats in a shelter and clean litter boxes: and hell- I love it! If your mom is not happy with your choices of following your dreams, then she is not supportive. Because you should be given the choice on what you want to do. You're not doing anything wrong.

There is nothing wrong with being you and doing what you want to do. It's your life, dear. Don't throw it away for someone else, okay?

Edited by MaepleSyrup
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Also too, I'm willing to talk more with you on this, if you need it.

If you'd like to continue this conversation with advice, feel free to pm me. I understand a lot of what you're going through

Edited by MaepleSyrup
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19 hours ago, MaepleSyrup said:

Hey, listen. You're not a loser at all. You're you, and that's all you can ever be. The thing is, the reason they want you to go into a college degree you don't want to be in is because they want you to be that for themselves. But what matters is that, you should be doing what YOU want to be.

If you're a loser, I'm a loser too. I never went to college. I never have and never will be in a relationship- having a family sounds like throwing away my life in my own views. And to make things better, I followed my dreams and stuck with them. And I'm still standing well.

People always say that college will be the only thing that can get you far. That's probably why people feel pressured and depressed sometimes because of that. But honestly, unless you're in a career that REQUIRES college, you'll be completely fine.

I work with difficult cats in a shelter and clean litter boxes: and hell- I love it! If your mom is not happy with your choices of following your dreams, then she is not supportive. Because you should be given the choice on what you want to do. You're not doing anything wrong.

There is nothing wrong with being you and doing what you want to do. It's your life, dear. Don't throw it away for someone else, okay?

  Thank you so much for responding to me. You made me feel so much better, you have no idea. And your job working with cats sounds amazing, I hope someday I will be as happy with my job as you are with yours. 

  I just feel kind of stuck in this whole career thing. On one hand, the health major I applied into involves working with people with disabilities, which I know that I enjoy doing. I love working with and helping people, but it’s the medical schooling that scares me. I’m really bad at the kind of stuff and it’s never been what I’ve been passionate about.

  On the other hand, I love art and writing, and I’m in AP English and AP art right now and am super passionate about it.  If I had my choice about college, I would study one of those. But i know that it’s more difficult to get a job with those subjects, and I don’t want to waste my time and money going to college for them. Also, my mom guilts me all the time about how much college costs and it makes me feel really bad. She flat out refuses to help me pay for art school, which would mean that I would have to put myself through it, and I am currently working but I’m pretty broke as it is.  Then, if it didn’t work out, I wouldn’t have a way to support myself. 

  Then there’s the part of me that doesn’t even want to go to college at all or do anything after high school. I don’t even know where I would go or what I would do, and I don’t have enough money to move out of my house, but I can’t stay here anymore.  I love my mom but she’s not well mentally and it’s really bad for me to be around her all the time.  Also, I’m bisexual and my parents don’t know it but they would definitely not be supportive..so I’ve been waiting to move out so that I can finally be myself. I’ve been counting down the days until I can move out for a long time, so I don’t know why I feel so sad and anxious about it now. 

I just feel so stuck in this situation. I could go into this health degree which I could maybe like but also could hate (and it also feels like my mom is controlling my future).  Or I could follow what I’m passionate about and have to somehow put myself through college and be in debt forever. Or I could skip college and do god knows what. I just don’t know.  It just feels like I don’t really have much control over my future and there’s so much pressure to make the right decision and I’m here only 17 trying to figure out my entire life. 

So sorry for the essay I didn’t mean to write so much lol

Edited by cagetheelephant88
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Just now, cagetheelephant88 said:

I’m here only 17 trying to figure out my entire life. 

Hi Cage,

You're in a rough spot, and I wish you weren't.  I'm here at 70, also trying to figure out my whole life.  It is, I think, it's an going concern for those who think in that direction. 

I got two degrees that were not very good for job search, and one was English Lit.  I ran from student loans for several years, and finally cornered, I began to pay them back, and now they are long gone, for a long time.  There are in fact, jobs for English majors: editing, writing of course in lots of ways from technical to Hallmark cards.  I worked twice in-house as a copy writer.  One was a world wide dealer of collectible paper money from around the world, and then all the coins from the Agean turtle money to the St. Guadens gold pieces. 

Going for your passion is not always a bad choice, you have time to narrow your focus in the area of English that needs writers. 

Prioritize a bit.  Consider what is the biggest single problem you need to solve.  Not much older than you I always had a house mate to split the bills, for years.  At your age, I think there are not so many bad choices to make, just choices.  And that can be tremendously frustrating.  Decide on a thing you want to resolve first, spend a year sharing an apartment  and work part time and go to school if you choose that way, then make a plan to make it happen. 

It's rough, but narrowing your choices in a way that will give you the most relief now would help.  Do one thing, then the next.  Don't try solving everything in one fell swoop.

That's a lot of stuff.  Hope it gives a few more ideas to make your choice, then the next.

best, Bulgakov

 

 

 

Edited by Bulgakov
editing never ends
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I lived through a similar home life situation when I was in high school and it was pretty bad. Sorry you're going through that. I also used to go to friend's houses and found it weird that people were laughing and happy, nothing like my house. Don't feel guilty about that. Hang on and bail asap. Even if it's for schooling you don't necessarily want, it's a starting point. You can always do something different later. Once you're out of the home hassles, and start making your own decisions, you'll be able to think more clearly about what direction to go. If all else fails you'll have training in the medical field, which frankly isn't such a bad idea, people will always need that. For many, learning is a lifetime thing, so you can always go back and learn something else. Lot of choices and time. Pick a direction, do that a while, then re evaluate. You don't have to go in a straight line.

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20 hours ago, Bulgakov said:

Hi Cage,

You're in a rough spot, and I wish you weren't.  I'm here at 70, also trying to figure out my whole life.  It is, I think, it's an going concern for those who think in that direction. 

I got two degrees that were not very good for job search, and one was English Lit.  I ran from student loans for several years, and finally cornered, I began to pay them back, and now they are long gone, for a long time.  There are in fact, jobs for English majors: editing, writing of course in lots of ways from technical to Hallmark cards.  I worked twice in-house as a copy writer.  One was a world wide dealer of collectible paper money from around the world, and then all the coins from the Agean turtle money to the St. Guadens gold pieces. 

Going for your passion is not always a bad choice, you have time to narrow your focus in the area of English that needs writers. 

Prioritize a bit.  Consider what is the biggest single problem you need to solve.  Not much older than you I always had a house mate to split the bills, for years.  At your age, I think there are not so many bad choices to make, just choices.  And that can be tremendously frustrating.  Decide on a thing you want to resolve first, spend a year sharing an apartment  and work part time and go to school if you choose that way, then make a plan to make it happen. 

It's rough, but narrowing your choices in a way that will give you the most relief now would help.  Do one thing, then the next.  Don't try solving everything in one fell swoop.

That's a lot of stuff.  Hope it gives a few more ideas to make your choice, then the next.

best, Bulgakov

 

 

 

Thank you so much for the help :) you made me feel way better about the situation.  I do try to solve everything at once and i think that’s why I get so overwhelmed.  Taking it one decision at a time will make it a lot more manageable.  And it’s good to hear that there are English jobs out there and that I have possible options in that field.. 

thank you again, it’s nice to talk so someone who gets it 

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5 hours ago, Steveab63 said:

I lived through a similar home life situation when I was in high school and it was pretty bad. Sorry you're going through that. I also used to go to friend's houses and found it weird that people were laughing and happy, nothing like my house. Don't feel guilty about that. Hang on and bail asap. Even if it's for schooling you don't necessarily want, it's a starting point. You can always do something different later. Once you're out of the home hassles, and start making your own decisions, you'll be able to think more clearly about what direction to go. If all else fails you'll have training in the medical field, which frankly isn't such a bad idea, people will always need that. For many, learning is a lifetime thing, so you can always go back and learn something else. Lot of choices and time. Pick a direction, do that a while, then re evaluate. You don't have to go in a straight line.

  Thank you. It’s nice to talk to someone who understands. I guess I just feel a lot of guilt for not loving the family that I’ve got and wishing for more.  But you made me feel way better about it because as my family is now it’s not good for me to be around. I hope that once I move out I will be able to see things more clearly and will be happier.  And you’re right, I can always change my decisions or try other things.  I guess I just try and decide everything at once when I don’t actually have to.. which just makes me more stressed out lol

 your comment meant a lot to me 

thank you

Edited by cagetheelephant88
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On ‎1‎/‎1‎/‎2019 at 7:48 PM, MaepleSyrup said:

Hey, listen. You're not a loser at all. You're you, and that's all you can ever be. The thing is, the reason they want you to go into a college degree you don't want to be in is because they want you to be that for themselves. But what matters is that, you should be doing what YOU want to be.

If you're a loser, I'm a loser too. I never went to college. I never have and never will be in a relationship- having a family sounds like throwing away my life in my own views. And to make things better, I followed my dreams and stuck with them. And I'm still standing well.

People always say that college will be the only thing that can get you far. That's probably why people feel pressured and depressed sometimes because of that. But honestly, unless you're in a career that REQUIRES college, you'll be completely fine.

I work with difficult cats in a shelter and clean litter boxes: and hell- I love it! If your mom is not happy with your choices of following your dreams, then she is not supportive. Because you should be given the choice on what you want to do. You're not doing anything wrong.

There is nothing wrong with being you and doing what you want to do. It's your life, dear. Don't throw it away for someone else, okay?

My friend in life you have to do what is best for you because you have to live with the results

of the outcome.  Always try to follow your dreams and admirations and you cannot go wrong  

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I am so sorry for the struggles you have been having. Depression can make so many things feel pointless and make you feel hopeless. I know exactly how you feel about your headspace. I was speaking with a mentor of mine a while ago about similar feelings of negativity flooding into my head and she mentioned when I isolate myself I don't have anyone positive speaking into me. She encouraged me to start listening to audios or read or talk with people who will have a positive influence on me. And do it every single day. I'm so glad that you are reaching out for help you may also be able to talk to a school counselor or a youth group leader if you have a church near by. Just the act of reaching out gives you more control over your depression. There is hope my friend.

 
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17 hours ago, Erika622 said:

I am so sorry for the struggles you have been having. Depression can make so many things feel pointless and make you feel hopeless. I know exactly how you feel about your headspace. I was speaking with a mentor of mine a while ago about similar feelings of negativity flooding into my head and she mentioned when I isolate myself I don't have anyone positive speaking into me. She encouraged me to start listening to audios or read or talk with people who will have a positive influence on me. And do it every single day. I'm so glad that you are reaching out for help you may also be able to talk to a school counselor or a youth group leader if you have a church near by. Just the act of reaching out gives you more control over your depression. There is hope my friend.

 

Thank you so much for the advice. What you said is very true, I will be sure to do that. Things definitely feel less bad when I am surrounded by positive people. 

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