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I just need to vent.


MaepleSyrup

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Lately, I've been trying to do better. I'm doing what I can to not feel as stressed or as unhappy as I sometimes am. My anxiety, however, has stayed the same. My job, so far, is the highlight of my life. And I've been having actually decent days.

But lately, I've felt so alone. It's been so hard to trust people with my own feelings. And trust me, I have bad trust issues. It's a huge flaw of mine. Hence why I haven't shared my problems with other people in person. I've found myself feeling mentally exhausted and fighting through suicidal thoughts here and there. I can't think straight sometimes because I am so mentally drained at times.

Those two people I've been socializing with are decent to me. I still haven't brought myself to call them my "friends". But matter of factly, they have their own depression and problems. Sometimes, they talk about their day or their feelings to me and I find out they haven't been doing well. What sucks is that I don't know how to help people with their own problems. I feel like whatever advice I give them won't impact them in any way. So it's hard for me to try so hard to help people but remembering that I don't know how. I still feel like a third wheel to them. They both are best friends with each other. It's almost like I'd never find a way to fit in with them.

I'm just so tired. I don't seem to be doing anything for people. Which is why I contemplate about suicide sometimes. I just feel so alone. I do so well a day or two in a row and something has to make it tumble back down. It's difficult to even like myself at times- I can be the biggest disappointment towards myself. I'm lost on what else I can do. It just seems like a continuous loop I'm stuck in. And I can't seem to end it.

I'm sorry to give you guys this. But it's been tough lately. And my mind is fried. I just figured I'd let some of it out.

Thank you for reading. I hope you all have a wonderful day/night.

 

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MaepleSyrup,

I am sorry you are suffering.  Venting can sometimes be really helpful.  At least it has been to me.  

You are a blessing to us here on the Forums.  You have helped me and many others here with your posts because they are so honest and poignant.  I wish I knew how to help you, because you have helped me so much.  You may feel that you don't seem to be doing anything for people, but to me you a hero here on the Forums!    - epictetus

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Hi Mae it's good to see you back here and sorry you're frustrated. I get that you want to unload the frustration and that's always welcome here. While you do that, I hope we can support you by finding some encouraging words and similar or different perspectives. 

It's good to know you're having some decent  days, that you're doing well at work and that  you're still socializing with your two buddies. 

I was reading somewhere that mental health progress is halting - full of ups and downs, discoveries and setbacks. I guess that stuck in my mind because it rang true for me. Looking back to how you were just a month ago and tracing all the ups and downs, do you think there's any progress?

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12 hours ago, Epictetus said:

MaepleSyrup,

I am sorry you are suffering.  Venting can sometimes be really helpful.  At least it has been to me.  

You are a blessing to us here on the Forums.  You have helped me and many others here with your posts because they are so honest and poignant.  I wish I knew how to help you, because you have helped me so much.  You may feel that you don't seem to be doing anything for people, but to me you a hero here on the Forums!    - epictetus

Thank you so much- I really appreciate those words. I didn't know that it was possible for me to help you or others- especially with my posts. I hear it helps people reading posts that relate to them, so I'm glad mine has managed to help others

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13 hours ago, MaepleSyrup said:

Lately, I've been trying to do better. I'm doing what I can to not feel as stressed or as unhappy as I sometimes am. My anxiety, however, has stayed the same. My job, so far, is the highlight of my life. And I've been having actually decent days.

But lately, I've felt so alone. It's been so hard to trust people with my own feelings. And trust me, I have bad trust issues. It's a huge flaw of mine. Hence why I haven't shared my problems with other people in person. I've found myself feeling mentally exhausted and fighting through suicidal thoughts here and there. I can't think straight sometimes because I am so mentally drained at times.

Those two people I've been socializing with are decent to me. I still haven't brought myself to call them my "friends". But matter of factly, they have their own depression and problems. Sometimes, they talk about their day or their feelings to me and I find out they haven't been doing well. What sucks is that I don't know how to help people with their own problems. I feel like whatever advice I give them won't impact them in any way. So it's hard for me to try so hard to help people but remembering that I don't know how. I still feel like a third wheel to them. They both are best friends with each other. It's almost like I'd never find a way to fit in with them.

I'm just so tired. I don't seem to be doing anything for people. Which is why I contemplate about suicide sometimes. I just feel so alone. I do so well a day or two in a row and something has to make it tumble back down. It's difficult to even like myself at times- I can be the biggest disappointment towards myself. I'm lost on what else I can do. It just seems like a continuous loop I'm stuck in. And I can't seem to end it.

I'm sorry to give you guys this. But it's been tough lately. And my mind is fried. I just figured I'd let some of it out.

Thank you for reading. I hope you all have a wonderful day/night.

 

Thanks, my friend for you being you and I just want you to know that you do matter,

even though you might not think you matter you do my friend.  Also, it's not what a

person says what count but just knowing you are there, can mean all the world to

someone, who is down and out.   

  

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8 hours ago, Atra said:

Hi Mae it's good to see you back here and sorry you're frustrated. I get that you want to unload the frustration and that's always welcome here. While you do that, I hope we can support you by finding some encouraging words and similar or different perspectives. 

It's good to know you're having some decent  days, that you're doing well at work and that  you're still socializing with your two buddies. 

I was reading somewhere that mental health progress is halting - full of ups and downs, discoveries and setbacks. I guess that stuck in my mind because it rang true for me. Looking back to how you were just a month ago and tracing all the ups and downs, do you think there's any progress?

Honestly? I noticed that I'm not breaking down as much as I used to, and it's easier for me to push away those suicide thoughts. Lately, I've been pushing myself to get out more with my family because I find it as an opportunity to get my mind off of my worries and stress- which really helps me de-stress and exercise to lose some more weight.

Beforehand, I stayed at home a lot, so it was really easy for my thoughts to come back and stress me out. But even so, I've been trying to push myself to walk more at work too: it's a good workout. I'm improving a bit on my lazy and unmotivational side

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23 minutes ago, Floor2017 said:

Thanks, my friend for you being you and I just want you to know that you do matter,

even though you might not think you matter you do my friend.  Also, it's not what a

person says what count but just knowing you are there, can mean all the world to

someone, who is down and out.   

  

Those words really say a lot- I'll be sure to keep them in mind 🙂

I always thought it was the words that matter, but even with words it's some times hard for me to see how much I mean to someone. I'll remember this advice- thank you so much

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8 minutes ago, MaepleSyrup said:

Those words really say a lot- I'll be sure to keep them in mind 🙂

I always thought it was the words that matter, but even with words it's some times hard for me to see how much I mean to someone. I'll remember this advice- thank you so much

You are so welcome my friend

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On 12/28/2018 at 11:27 PM, MaepleSyrup said:

My anxiety, however, has stayed the same. 

The anxiety sounds like it's having a pretty serious affect on your peace of mind. Do you think anxiety is being caused by trying to maintain relationships with people or is anxiety there regardless and making those relationships difficult?

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1 hour ago, Atra said:The anxiety sounds like it's having a pretty serious affect on your peace of mind. Do you think anxiety is being caused by trying to maintain relationships with people or is anxiety there regardless and making those relationships difficult?

Anxiety has always been there, regardless. I've had social anxiety almost my entire life- I adapted it as a child, and even as a teen, it was hard talking to people.

Now, it's not as bad as it used to be. I can talk to people, but once something makes it awkward or I start stumbling over words, I turn hot and begin sweating. I recently discovered too, that it comes naturally. Sometimes, I'm not even doing anything to trigger it and it just happens.

So now I know that I won't always have complete control over it. It gets especially bad when I'm the center of attention or I'm being acknowledged. My anxiety has always made it hard to communicate with people. And sometimes, it affects the way how I think and what I believe people think about me.

I don't know- it's always something I've had. Like I said, it comes naturally at this point, so I know it's not likely to get rid of it. But talking to people has never been easy for me

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Here's a thought, maybe way off, but here goes..

Are you a perfectionist?

Are you afraid to confide in anyone because it will reveal you have problems and are not perfect?

Are you afraid to give advice to others because you think it could be wrong...not perfect?

Are you constantly feeling judged? Hence the anxiety?Just a thought...

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12 hours ago, MaepleSyrup said:

Sometimes, I'm not even doing anything to trigger it and it just happens.

Yep, I deal with that as a symptom of GAD - it is annoying at best. There was a point when my anxiety reached my tolerance level and it affected my physical health so I was prescribed Temazepam, a benzodiazepine. That helped me get through some awful months but it came with some side effects and risks. Eventually I learned skills to manage daily symptoms and I save the pills for when everything else I try fails. 

I wonder if any of the information about APD might be useful to you. I don't know if this is a condition you've been diagnosed with, just thinking that there may be some resources or comments from members that could be useful. There's a sticky post on it in the Personality and Mental Health Disorders forum. 

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12 hours ago, Steveab63 said:

Here's a thought, maybe way off, but here goes..

Are you a perfectionist?

Are you afraid to confide in anyone because it will reveal you have problems and are not perfect?

Are you afraid to give advice to others because you think it could be wrong...not perfect?

Are you constantly feeling judged? Hence the anxiety?Just a thought...

I'm not necessarily a perfectionist. But I do believe that my advice is not helpful to others and that it's something they've already heard before, or they've heard many other times. It's easy for me to feel constantly judged, which is why I sometimes feel insecure too.

Its not that I don't want to show people that I'm not perfect, but rather that I'm going through things I'd rather them not know about. Trusting people is not something I can always do. I don't want people to either use it against me in some way or just know me truly. I'm not comfortable with it- I never have been

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12 hours ago, Atra said:

Yep, I deal with that as a symptom of GAD - it is annoying at best. There was a point when my anxiety reached my tolerance level and it affected my physical health so I was prescribed Temazepam, a benzodiazepine. That helped me get through some awful months but it came with some side effects and risks. Eventually I learned skills to manage daily symptoms and I save the pills for when everything else I try fails. 

I wonder if any of the information about APD might be useful to you. I don't know if this is a condition you've been diagnosed with, just thinking that there may be some resources or comments from members that could be useful. There's a sticky post on it in the Personality and Mental Health Disorders forum. 

I'm sorry to hear that @Atra, but I'm glad you've gotten better and you can handle and manage your symptoms without constantly needing the pills. That is wonderful that you've been conquering it successfully 🙂 I'm happy for you!

Honestly, I haven't been diagnosed with anything. I haven't even gone to get diagnosed at all. So whatever I have, I don't know what it is and how bad it is. I never go to doctors or anything for that matter, but any info that you think might help would be great 🙂

I'll be sure to look into that thread- thank you!

 

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