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SqueezeWax

I believe I am in love with my psychotherapist and it could not end well

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I am a gay male possibly in love with my heterosexual male psychotherapist. I didn’t believe it could really be in love because I only know him from the vantage point of being his client. I sadly can’t ever truly know him as a person. I have always felt that the only people who truly know each other, for better or worse, are family anyway. 

I have always found him incredibly psychically attractive and sexy—he’s an ‘older man’, brown eyed, very much my type—he’s simply a handsome man—but more importantly he is admirable and dignified. I respect him a great deal.

I fantasize about him sexually constantly. At times, I have a somewhat guilty wish that he were my father, even though I have a father who deeply loves and accepts me, and tolerates me to an unreasonable degree.

At times I feel I want to be his lover, to be him himself, and for him to be my father all at once. It is bizzare and I don’t understand what it means. I feel like I want to entirely consume him.

It has been painful to want something so completely unattainable. I’ve resigned myself to jerking off to his photos. I’ve tried to avoid even fantasing about our having a friendship because it is unlikely at best and knowing this is painful. I never felt there could be a point in discussing any of this with him because in the end there is so little to say. It’s simply not possible to be in a relationship with him outside of a therapeutic session, period. Admitting this to him could also make him or the both of us so uncomfortable that we couldn’t bear to work with each other anymore. 

I have never been in a romantic relationship in my almost thirty years. I haven’t had a substantial friendship since I was about 10 or 11 years old. I’m sure this has some bearing on what I am feeling for this guy. 

However, I am now concerned that my feelings for him are causing me so much anguish that I could end up causing real damage to myself.

A few days ago, I was searching online for information on a art therapy lecture he would be speaking at in a few months where he is planning on displaying and discussing my work—his therapy incorporates art therapy, and he is fairly well known for working with war veterans. He’s incorporated my artwork into a couple of his lectures during the past year, and I was curious about these events. I accidentally on purpose ended up on his personal Facebook page. I truly didn’t think him to be the type to use social media at all...I considered searching anyway before, but I doubted he would even have a facebook or any other social media account. I am not a social media user myself. I rarely visit social media websites at all. 

I found him through his wife’s Facebook page...I knew her first name....and although I feared I might see something I couldn’t unsee, the temptation was too great.

To say the least, I was quite disappointed with what I found. Maybe shock is too strong a word, but I was greatly dismayed at what I was seeing. It’s not the fact that he is a Christian or a staunch conservative—but that he is both at once. I at least believe that there is so much profoundly hypocritical about the Religious Right...I can’t fathom that this man I respect and admire so much—and who was miraculously able to instill just the slightest granule of self regard within me—could be blind to this. It’s crushed me....who the f-ck is this guy? He’s told me he is a Catholic before, but I figured him to be of the more intellectual, pragmatic type, that is if he seriously practiced Catholicism at all. It didn’t bother me. 

I’ve been so distraught by this that immediately after closing his page I grabbed at a pair of sewing shears and sliced at my arm five or six times. Deep cuts, probably the worst and bloodiest I’ve ever inflicted on myself. I was completely, utterly, searingly distraught by what I had seen. 

I don’t know what to think of him or myself anymore. I can’t properly describe what any of what I found out about him means to me. I feel weightless and unreal and at the same time leaden. My perception of him is fractured. I don’t know what to make of this guy anymore. I don’t entirely know what any of this means. 

I had my first appointment with him since today. It was strange. All I would tell him was that I’ve been greatly disillusioned with someone—or something—and that it’s been so upsetting that I cut myself up pretty badly.

He asked me if this was about him. I said it could be about him, someone he knows [I’ve worked with several of his colleagues at the same organization], or ‘some thing’. He was completely baffled. All he could say was that it concerned him that I would suddenly stonewall him like this when I’d been so revealing with him throughout our entire experience. He’s also concerned that I may end up being hospitalized because my psychiatrist has been worried about my suicidality lately. The subject wasn’t pursued further. The session continued pretty well, and my confidence in him was restored to a degree...and then I stupidly alluded to something about the Religious Right to test him, and he was clearly irked. I want very badly to apologize to him and will broach the incident next time. 

I’m still unable to process all of this. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by SqueezeWax

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Man, I'm sorry you're experiencing all this.  It may go without saying that it's not uncommon for patients to develop feelings for their therapists, even romantic/sexual ones.  The good ones have been trained for this and are prepared to handle it.

I'm particularly concerned that you're cutting.  In that respect alone, I'd encourage you to get with your psychiatrist ASAP...and, yes, as you described it, it's an emergency.  Please do this.  If you're in crisis, yes, get to the ER or call 911.

I'm not a professional.  But this sounds particularly dangerous to you psychologically.  The sooner you get with your psychiatrist, the better, imo.  Despite the progress you may have made with this therapist, it sounds to me like it's time to move on.  Can you at least take a break from this guy for a couple weeks while you re-evaluate?  You don't owe him an explanation.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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I don’t believe there’s any fault on the part of my therapist because I have never addressed the fact that I’m attracted to him. I am confident he would handle it intelligently and sensitively.  But, I don’t know what he could tell me that I haven’t read about the topic on Psychology Today or anything similar...It’s transfence [which I think is a stupid theory honestly], I only have these feelings because he doesn’t place judgement on me, which means what—if I were his son, and not a client, he would tell me what he really thinks—that I’m a lazy self indulgent sack of sh*t and he’s ashamed of me? 

Why see a therapist at all if they will only ever sugarcoat things? That is a question that has also been looming in my mind since reading about this topic. Do they only ever tell you things which wouldn’t trigger you?

If what you are saying is that if I’m still this prone to self harm it would be best I work with someone else, if continue to bother with therapy at all, the thought is too painful to consider. The thought that my entire relationship with this guy will only ever be grounded in my depression and recovery from that is hard to deal with too.

I haven’t had a meaningful relationship outside of an immediate family member in my entire life. My family will always cheer me on, tell me I’m handsome, intelligent, talented, etc. but they can only ever see me through the perspective of someone who can’t hurt my feelings.  The only friendships I ever had were silly kiddie ones when I was in middle school.

 

I haven’t sought out or wished for relationships since I graduated from junior high. I was bullied and mostly ostracized from second grade until I began high school, and then I was mostly left alone. All I wanted was to be comfortable in my own skin from then on. I didn’t really care if anyone else liked me or not. I only wanted to be at ease with my self. The only people I have socialized in any way with since have been my immediate family and therapists, psychotherapists, etc. I think it has screwed with my perspective on myself and the world to a degree. Now I desperately need some unique, outstanding quality or ability that would make me feel like I need to be here even though I’m bored with life anyway.

 

 

 

Edited by SqueezeWax

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Frankly, I do not think you should see him again. Nothing good will come from this, you have developed feelings for him which in itself is problematic enough (though definitely not unusual) and invaded his privacy. There is a reason therapists don't share much about themselves, it is not helpful to the patient. As much as they may seem like it, they are not friends, they are professionals. This does not mean that they do not have empathy, most do, but they have to put up a wall to protect their own emotional well-being. They cannot allow themselves to get involved the way a friend would. Any therapist who does this will not last long, depression and other mental illnesses rub off, they would reach a breaking point within months if they didn't separate therapy from real life. 

So your spying revealed that he wasn't exactly the guy you thought he was. That's normal. Therapists listen to us and fulfill many of our emotional needs while at the same time being a blank canvas making it all to easy to idealize them. In a way they're like celebrities that people develop crushes for, it's the facade they love, the things they project onto them, not the real person. Also, why would a therapist share all of his beliefs? Unless you 100% agree on everything it will be counterproductive. It may feel hypocritical to you but it's no different than a cashier smiling at you despite having a shitty day, it's her job. 

If you need closure then write him a letter, if you're up for it you can even book one last session and hand it to him. I'd advise against it though.

You are clearly not well so like @MarkintheDark already suggested I would strongly urge you to see someone else. Yes it sucks having to start over but it will be better for you in the long run. 

54 minutes ago, SqueezeWax said:

Why see a therapist at all if they will only ever sugarcoat things? That is a question that has also been looming in my mind since reading about this topic. Do they only ever tell you things which wouldn’t trigger you?

A good therapist will not sugarcoat things. Yes, they're careful with what they say and how they deliver it but it is not their intention to make you think everything is great if it isn't. At the same time they have to be constructive so simply affirming your negative beliefs (assuming they are founded in reality and not just your perception) would not do you any good, they would try to get you to see it from a better perspective and help you find possible solutions. Some will even use tough love and straight out tell you when you're wrong but this needs to be done carefully and they have to be sure you're ready for it. 

Edited by lonelyforeigner

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I’m still reeling from this and I don’t entirely understand what motivated me to react that way.

I don’t want to become defensive over this. I’m only not sure I’ve made my thoughts about therapy and therapists entirely clear. You may be entirely right; I was hoping this attractive guy would eventually become a friend. I have tried to keep the fact that he is simply a professional doing his job firmly in mind from the beginning.

Considering what I ended up doing, maybe I failed to truly understand that. 

I didn’t realize how much I idealized him and how warped my perception of all this was until this happened. I think what I did was more of a reaction to fact that I found that he isn’t the guy in his personal life that I would hope him to be.

I don’t think I truly realized that he is a three dimensional person. I don’t think what anyone believes completely adds up....It doesn’t mean he lacks credibility. What do his political and religious beliefs matter? Somehow all of this has made me question myself and whether I was mistaken to trust what he expressed as his belief in me. 

I hope I’m not in denial in thinking that I can move on from this and things will continue between us as if nothing had happened. I’ve done spontaneous, suicidal things in the past only for whatever triggered it to dull, and for the event to be quickly forgotten. 

There are other things to consider, and the fall out from this would be huge. At age 29 my father is still my keeper. It would **** him to know that this has happened, and why, and what the consequences would be. He would entirely lose hope for me, as well any trust in the mental health field. He already distrusts anyone involved in it and this would likely be the final straw. Knowing him he would entirely place the blame on the therapist while considering me a hopeless nutcase. He already knows I self harm. I’ve self harmed several times in the past few months, and I let him know. It worried him, but he understood that they weren’t serious attempts to take my life. I get the sense I’ve done something more serious this time. 

I don’t want to believe I was naive enough to think we were anything more than one person paying another to simply do their job. I liked to believe I was at least smart enough to know that. Are you only ever this disappointed in people you consider to be a friend, or have fallen in love with?

I don’t think I would want to go into therapy again if things were to end with this guy this way. It would be many years at least. I think my entire perspective has been screwed up because I’ve been so isolated. Maybe I don’t remember what friendship involves. I don’t want to confide in someone whose simply making their living. It’s too confusing.

 

 

 

 

Edited by SqueezeWax

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Hi @SqueezeWax,

@lonelyforeigner is probably right.  Your feelings will start to cloud what you will say to your therapist.  I would just quietly find another therapist.  He sounds like a decent and non-judgemental person and someone who is a good therapist. 

Get the necessary care for your cuts.  Please do not hurt yourself.  It will not help and every time you do you are only letting those assholes who mistreated you have power over you again. 

Please take care of yourself.

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14 hours ago, Rattler6 said:

He sounds like a decent and non-judgemental person and someone who is a good therapist.

Yes, he is. He is well respected and greatly liked by his patients. 

Everything I’ve read on this topic before doesn’t state that this is something to leave a therapist over. All you need to do is address the issue with them, and they should understand, and everything would be fine. I didn’t think this was anything more serious than simply being attracted to him. I thought I had a handle on it. 

If I were to leave him, I don’t feel like simply leaving him a letter would be the best approach. As timid and socially inhibited as I normally am, I would much rather address this in person. I have ‘broken up’ with a therapist before, and it was sad and difficult but I felt I did the right thing by telling him in person. 

And unfortunately, there would be no quiet way to leave him. My father is thoroughly immersed in my personal affairs. He would be gobsmacked by this. As much as he dislikes therapists or any kind of mental health professional, he has at least been pleased that this one had taken an interest in my artwork. He must feel this shows at least a slight glimmer of hope for me. If I were to abruptly leave this therapist and over something so left field, it would shatter any little hope he holds for my recovery. Like I said, from his perspective I am a hopeless mess, and everyone in the mental health field is either entirely incompetent or a con artist, and they have all failed me.

I didn’t mention that I also have the hots for my other therapist, who I have been seeing for almost three years now. He’s a husky, hairy, young Italian American guy. My two types are ‘bears’ and handsome older men, and I ended up with one of each as a therapist at once. I’ve been wondering for some time if this was not for the best. I don’t think I ever idealized him the same way though. I think I’ve always understood that he is simply a flesh and blood person.

Also, I don’t feel I ‘owe’ this guy anything. He wasn’t guilting me at all over withholding who or what exactly I was talking about. He understood I at least wasn’t yet comfortable revealing who this was all about, and he moved on. What I regret is antagonizing him by bringing up his politics.

Even before any of this happened, I have been questioning for some time whether I was becoming addicted to therapy because a therapist will only ever tell you that whatever it is you hate about yourself is simply a ‘distortion’. They will always provide doubt in your mind over your perception of yourself.

At the same time, it kills me to think that I’ve only ever spoken to a bunch of Yes Men, that they’re only ever going to tell you what you want to hear. It’s made me question the entire profession.

It’s wonderful to hear that I am not as ugly, stupid or untalented as I believe myself to be, but that’s all worthless—and worse harmful— if they’re only saying so as part of their job. It can really f—kwith your head.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by SqueezeWax

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I spoke to someone on a suicide hotline last night solely to get a another opinion on whether I should continue with this therapist. They weren’t of much help, only telling me they understood it’s a difficult situation and that I need to speak to one or the other of my therapists about it.

I don’t care as much right now whether this therapist was the guy I’d hoped he was. I’m not as bothered by all of that at the moment. I’m far more concerned as to whether I can trust these people to tell me what they truly think. I’m rather anxious to talk to him about this. I unfortunately won’t be seeing either therapist for two weeks, which seems like a lifetime because I’m dying to get this off my mind. 

On a side note, over the past few months he has gotten into the habit of taking unannounced leaves to do lectures and other things. I understood at first because the first couple of times he at least informed me beforehand. Now almost every other week when I book the next appointment after a session, I get told by the receptionist that he will be out of town. I’m never quite sure of when I will be seeing him again, even though he tells me after every session he’d be seeing me ‘next week’. I almost have the impression he has one foot outside the door as far as this ‘institute’ is concerned, because he is constantly disgruntled over the staff, and I’ve seen a lot of practioners come and go from this place in the three years I’ve been there. Would it be appropriate to ask if he is changing his availability?

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Suicide hotlines are usually staffed by volunteers, not fully certified therapists so they are very careful dispensing advice. They have their use if you need to vent but it's definitely no replacement for a therapist. 

I think it would be OK to ask your therapist if he plans on leaving. Some offices have quite a high turnover indeed, many struggle with conflicts in the office and not getting paid enough. Sure, it seems like they all make a lot of money based on the fees they charge when self-paying but insurance pays them way less and they also have to split with the office and then still pay all kind of other expenses so while they may ask for $150 or more an hour it's definitely nowhere near as much as they get to take home. 

Also, not all therapists are well equipped to handle crisis situations. Remember, much of the industry is focused around the frustrated housewife who no longer feels fulfilled being at home with the kids and suffers from minor depression. Many therapists get overwhelmed handling patients with serious mental health issues. 

Edited by lonelyforeigner

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29 minutes ago, lonelyforeigner said:Suicide hotlines are usually staffed by volunteers, not fully certified therapists so they are very careful dispensing advice. They have their use if you need to vent but it's definitely no replacement for a therapist. I think it would be OK to ask your therapist if he plans on leaving. Some offices have quite a high turnover indeed, many struggle with conflicts in the office and not getting paid enough. Sure, it seems like they all make a lot of money based on the fees they charge when self-paying but insurance pays them way less and they also have to split with the office and then still pay all kind of other expenses so while they may ask for $150 or more an hour it's definitely nowhere near as much as they get to take home. 

Also, not all therapists are well equipped to handle crisis situations. Remember, much of the industry is focused around the frustrated housewife who no longer feels fulfilled being at home with the kids and suffers from minor depression. Many therapists get overwhelmed handling patients with serious mental health issues. 

I wasn’t expecting much from the hotline anyhow. I feel like I can continue with this therapist without being driven to harm myself, but who knows. I definitely want to address the situation with him in one way or another. It is going to be incredibly awkward. 

Also, is it strange that my therapists don’t speak to each other? They work in the same office, doors down from each other, and each has brought up the fact that they don’t speak. I only know that at the very beginning of this year they along with my psychiatrist had a “pow wow” to discuss my progress and treatment plan. I don’t think the two have spoken since. I have gotten the impression that my psychotherapist doesn’t think much of this other, younger therapist. 

 

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1 minute ago, SqueezeWax said:

Also, is it strange that my therapists don’t speak to each other?

I guess that really depends on the office dynamics. If you have a good team then they will share notes but yeah, if they don't get along too well and don't work as a team that's obviously not ideal. 

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I fell in love with someone in health care before.  This person was wonderful.  So nice to me but then I saw this person a couple of times outside of the work setting and found out the niceness was just an act for work.  Away from work the person treated me terribly so that ended that.

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47 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I fell in love with someone in health care before.  This person was wonderful.  So nice to me but then I saw this person a couple of times outside of the work setting and found out the niceness was just an act for work.  Away from work the person treated me terribly so that ended that.

 

Terribly? As much as it may seem I interpret this therapist and myself to be the best of friends, I would at most expect him to be cordial if he bumped into me in public. We’ve had a couple of uncomfortable ‘hellos’ passing by in the hallway of his building before. What happened, if I may ask?

It feels so odd, working with these people now. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I'll just interject that, in the midst of all this confusion, your posts continue to indicate you've taken the initiative to do a lot of work on it.  That's pretty advanced stuff, imo.

Yeah, this has been upsetting.  But you're also evaluating the various relationships and how you've reacted to them.  DF, I've found, is about the best place for me to to that.

For one, I encourage you to continue to post your thoughts, particularly since you've been so rigorously honest about them.

For another, on those occasions when I've had to call a hotline, I just keep calling any hotline I can find, even out-of-state, until I find someone who will let me get it all out, tears and all, until I feel better.

Again, you're doing a lot of good work.

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Thank you for your encouraging words. Even if no one responds I’m happy to have a place to sort through all of this before I see either of my therapists again. 

I’ve been in and out of therapy since 2004 when I began high school, and had developed an attraction to the last four of the five I’ve seen. I probably would have had developed feelings for the very first had I been with him long enough. This has been a reoccuring issue, but I’ve only ever reacted this way over this one psychotherapist.

I’m still trying to get used to this other, more accurate version of who he is. In the end, I don’t feel like I like him any much less because of his personal views. He has at least respected me enough to do his job well which is all I can ask of him. I also felt a bit of shame in thinking that unlike him, I don’t have the intellectual curiosity to champion Marie Curie as he does, and not a rock star or 70s porn queen like I probably would if I had a Facebook page. I admire and envy people like him. Still, he is not the gleaming, shining god I thought he was, and if I hadn’t been driven to harm myself, I would think in a way this was a good learning experience. 

 

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On 12/30/2018 at 10:42 PM, SqueezeWax said:

 

Terribly? As much as it may seem I interpret this therapist and myself to be the best of friends, I would at most expect him to be cordial if he bumped into me in public. We’ve had a couple of uncomfortable ‘hellos’ passing by in the hallway of his building before. What happened, if I may ask?

It feels so odd, working with these people now. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It doesn't matter.  I shouldn't have said what I said.  It was the wrong approach.  Mark was right to interject.  Things could have gone in the wrong direction.

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Posted (edited)

The past couple of days I’ve wavered between once again deifying this guy, and still being bitterly disappointed he’s not the person I created. Before the Facebook debacle, I would commit to memory and treasure every tiny biographical detail or insight into his personal life he might share. I’d be fascinated by every banal thing he’d tell me about himself, and proceeded to fill in the blanks. I don’t suppose he would ever make complete sense to me unless I were someone close to him and knew him intimately. I want him to make as much sense to me as the imaginary version did. 

I don’t think I’ve been delusional enough to think he would end up liking me so much that we would eventually spend time outside the office together. I think I did lose sight of the fact that he is being paid to take an interest in me.

I’ve thought before about what I would possibly do with him as a friend. I don’t think we have much in common...He’s on another planet intellectually, for one. Not that I think it’s necessary for friends to have anything in common.  I don’t remember what friends do among themselves. All the friendships I had were in childhood and revolved around toys, fads and middle school gossip. I have no experience with adult friendships, which from what I can tell mostly revolve around talking about what kind of day you’ve had. 

A purely physical relationship would be really, really cool. As a father, I would expect to inherit his good looks and intelligence. His own son—who he stands so proudly beside in a photo taken at his college graduation—seems to have. 

My New Years resolution is to accept him as a person in my life who is acting purely as a professional, to be grateful that he has any presence in it at all, and that he has made some amount of difference. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by SqueezeWax

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On 12/27/2018 at 8:11 PM, MarkintheDark said:

Man, I'm sorry you're experiencing all this.  It may go without saying that it's not uncommon for patients to develop feelings for their therapists, even romantic/sexual ones.  The good ones have been trained for this and are prepared to handle it.

I'm particularly concerned that you're cutting.  In that respect alone, I'd encourage you to get with your psychiatrist ASAP...and, yes, as you described it, it's an emergency.  Please do this.  If you're in crisis, yes, get to the ER or call 911.

I'm not a professional.  But this sounds particularly dangerous to you psychologically.  The sooner you get with your psychiatrist, the better, imo.  Despite the progress you may have made with this therapist, it sounds to me like it's time to move on.  Can you at least take a break from this guy for a couple weeks while you re-evaluate?  You don't owe him an explanation.

Agreed.

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At the end of the day, we're all human. While he isn't what you thought he is, he seems pretty professional and able to separate his private and personal self, which is generally good news with therapists. It's a shame, however, that you don't feel you can try another one, especially as he seems so unhappy with that particular workplace. He might leave one day to be replaced with someone else, and I guess you have to work out how to deal with that. On one hand, it would mean you have an excuse to go to someone different, and your father won't be upset. On the other hand, it can be hard to find good therapists.

In regard to the attraction, you're definitely not alone. I think this is something that happens commonly, and of all the people I know who have experienced it, (and there have been a few), what usually happens is it's painful for a while, then it goes away completely as they shift focus to other things. For some of them, it got easier or disappeared even when they were still seeing that therapist/doctor. It is probably best not to fantasise about it, and definitely don't mention it, or it will be an uncomfortable experience for both of you.

I'm concerned to hear about the cutting. It definitely isn't superficial, and you could hurt yourself very badly or do lasting damage. If it's a matter of life or death, you need to find another therapist.

Also, (and I hope this isn't an invasive question at all), does he know you like men? It seems like he's professional about personal and political differences, but I know a lot of therapists who are not, and who can do some damage to patients who don't quite fit their view of the healthy-minded individual. (Which is weird, to be honest,, considering that they especially train for years to work with non-neurotypical people, so it shouldn't be a problem for them to work with people of differing opinion or sexual orientation to themselves. Unfortunately, for some of them, it is a problem they never get past, and I don't want you to end up getting hurt over it.)

Stay safe!

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Posted (edited)

He doesn’t have any issue with homosexuality. On our second appointment almost exactly a year ago, he very gently broached the topic of my sexuality. I’m guessing he read that I was gay from the other therapists notes. He told me that it was natural,  he has many gay friends in his personal life, has worked with many gay patients, etc.  He also did post something on his Facebook about the danger of ‘rehabilitating’ LGBT people, amid other things like there being scientific proof of demonic possession. 

As far as him leaving, I don’t have much to go on to think that he could be planning to. Just some occasional grumbling about the front desk girls not doing their job properly. I don’t know what to make of the fact that he is away so often, which to me is troublesome, and irritating. I acknowledge that he does have a life of his own, and he does a lot of other things—he’s also a professor, for one, and he seems fairly in demand for his expertise. I don’t know whether it is common for a therapist to be away every other week on other business.  This place seemed to sort of roll out the red carpet for this guy. The front page of their website is half a giant, lengthy advertisement for his services. I’m not sure I can believe he would leave this soon. 

Also, a few weeks ago he did coordinate for me to begin working with a brand new art therapist that was just hired. I’m a bit paranoid that he is gently giving me the brush off by putting me in this other persons hands. From the two appointments I had with them, I definitely get the impression art therapists don’t delve as deep or offer as much insight into your problems as a typical therapist. So, I don’t think he would think they would be a proper substitute. However, he does know that I still have another therapist at hand...

I still feel it is important to address this one of the other of the therapists. It is too important of an issue to myself not to. I’m only not sure yet how I will. I’ve made some drawings alluding to all of this, and if he asks the right questions, I will hint around that there is some transference happening. 

 

 

 

Edited by SqueezeWax

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It seems like he doesn't have a closed mind then, which is good. He does seem very professional.

In regard to hinting at transference, I think it might help, but you don't have to say it's a physical attraction. You could just explain that you're getting too attached to him because of his big role in your life and it's going to interfere with your therapy in the future if you have to see someone else. It might be less awkward for you if you said that.

Obviously,, I'm not in your position, and you ultimately have to do what's best for you. I'm just worried about it being more difficult than it has to be.

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I don’t want to be so childshly evasive. I will just waste time, likely confuse him, and make myself look completely stupid in the process. I sadly can’t imagine he would think it would be for the best to continue if I were completely truthful, considering I have self harmed over my feelings. It would be a very disappointing end. 

I am planning to discuss this with my other therapist first, if I have his word it will be between us for the time being. I don’t want this to get sillier. 

I wouldn’t be nearly as uncomfortable admitting I’m physically attracted to him as I would be about ‘spying’ on him and taking umbrage with his personal beliefs.

What political-social-philosophical beliefs I have are just as if not more tangled and incoherent as those this psychotherapist holds. I went back into therapy four years ago because my entire perception of the world was turned upside down and inside out, so I don’t completely know what I believe anymore. Maybe what I was doing all along was projecting what I thought was a coherent take on my own beliefs onto him. 

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It's hard, sometimes, to know what to believe, so I understand 100% what you mean. Sometimes, I feel like I know the truth, and sometimes, it feels like I must be all wrong. The fact that you are able to say that you could be wrong about some things is a positive thing, because it means that once you're feeling better within yourself, you'll be able to change your mind if you see evidence contrary to a belief you hold. This is important, because I think that if all human beings were like that, the world would be a better place. It seems like maybe your therapist is also able to make these rational decisions, considering that his beliefs have not caused him to treat you badly or try to change you.

I wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do. I hope you'll feel better soon. :hugs:

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I finally saw my LPC for the first time today in nearly an entire month, and admitted I was struggling with thoughts related to him and/or my other therapist. I didn’t get into the transference aspect—and I do have affectionate feelings for and am attracted to both. I did admit to my concerns about their honesty. He stressed that he would never ‘bullshit’ me and waste my time, that he in fact strove to be brutally honest with his clients. He said what concerns him is that I tend to ignore his advice and act on destructive thoughts no matter what he might tell me. Sadly, he gave the impression that he has been beginning to doubt his ability to help me. I like this guy a lot, and would greatly miss working with him. If I want my psychotherapist to be my father-lover-alter ego, I would want this therapist to be my brother-lover-second alter ego. I’m also now working with an art therapist as well, which also seems to make him doubt whether he is still needed. He was not guilting me in any way shape or form. He was speaking like a professional who wants his client to make the best decision. 

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